


The Nearness of You

by OverTheRainbow2



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:19:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 49,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22020184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverTheRainbow2/pseuds/OverTheRainbow2
Summary: The prospect of two weddings brings the past, present and future in to stark focus for two families but can it mend two shattered hearts?
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Comments: 226
Kudos: 740





	1. Just The Mention of Your Name

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been dancing around in my mind for a while. I hope to get it finished in the next week, reality permitting.😁

He’d been back in Sanditon for three days. 72 agonising hours. That’s how long it had taken before someone finally mentioned her name. Up to that point, he’d been just about coping in this fresh Hell. If “coping” meant spending every waking hour in a state of low grade torture. It was mollified only by the well practised, frequent application of port wine and opium cigarettes. Both served to numb a gut-wrenching pain, which far from easing with the passing of time, had grown ever more acute. Six months had provided no evidence of healing. It had served instead, to turn the wound septic. Away from this place, he missed her with every fibre of his being. It was a dull, ever present, leaden ache that left him feeling exhausted. In Sanditon, her absence was like a knife to his chest. Sharp and searing. So much so, that at times it took his breath away. Here, she was everywhere and yet she was nowhere at all. The irony was not lost on him that he had once lamented her ubiquitousness. What he would give now, for just a glimpse of her.

He had spent much of the time since his return, habituated in the study at Trafalgar House, up to his eyes in bills and desperately trying to turn his brother’s shambolic book-keeping into something vaguely coherent and manageable. In her absence, all semblance of order had fled. She had taken so much with her when she’d left. Not least of which was his heart and soul. In her wake, there was only chaos and neglect all around and little of any joy to be found. He was there not through choice. He had precious little of that these days. Instead, he was in Sanditon at the behest of his erstwhile betrothed. He found that much of his existence was now dependent upon her whims and endless commands...and it was merely an “existence”. It sure as hell wasn’t a life. She hated the place and didn’t hesitate when articulating the extent of her loathing but the prospect of an £80,000 outlay had a way of focusing the mind if not engaging the emotions. Indeed, emotion was the very last thing involved in this whole squalid, demeaning transaction. Her initial “down payment” had been most reluctantly given and only with the express stipulation that they would never reside in Sanditon after the wedding. Either temporarily, or permanently. He had offered no particular objection to that order. In parting with some of her money ahead of their union, she was also at pains to emphasise that she did so only to avoid the prospect of a damaging scandal and the ignominy of affording herself connections whose financial circumstances were so decidedly beneath her own. He found himself contemplating, not for the first time, how very much altered she was from the beautiful, lively creature he had once loved so desperately.

The other “terms” of their agreement were somewhat less easy for him to accept, or to accommodate. Upon their marriage, he was to spend no further time in the company of Crowe and would only be permitted the society of Babington on those occasions to which an invitation was also extended to her. This had pained him greatly. They were both dear friends, Babington most particularly. Her aversion to Crowe was as a consequence of his general lifestyle and excessive drinking. Babington’s “sin” in her eyes, appeared to be little more than his recent unguarded observation made at a dinner, on the talents and energy of Miss Charlotte Heywood, how greatly she was missed in Sanditon and the affection with which his wife held her maid of honour. The unexpected mention of her name had momentarily disturbed his countenance. He knew immediately that she’d seen it and had taken note. He cursed his inability to better school his features and tame his traitorous heart. With a fatalism which had become all too familiar, he anticipated the consequences. He didn’t have to wait long. In denying him the company and comfort of his friends, Eliza’s punishment was petty and based on nothing more than cruelty and an effort to replace them with her own. A more vacuous bunch of preening dullards he had never had the misfortune to encounter. He felt that he was a drowning man, yet knew he had little choice but to accept his fate. 

Her final stipulation had proven the most difficult to acquiesce to. Eliza insisted that after the wedding, Georgiana would leave them, in the company of a Governess, for an extensive tour of Europe, to be followed by a year at a Swiss “Finishing School”. By the time she returned, she would have reached her majority and would thus be in full possession of her fortune and responsible for her own destiny. She would never reside with them. He had begged her not to send his ward away. He tried desperately to explain his duty and obligation to her late father, that Georgiana could be “challenging” but that her adjustment to society in England had proven difficult and her spirits were low. In all matters, Eliza’s view was that a “change of scene and society” would do her the world of good. She asserted that she could not have “an ill-tempered stranger, of questionable birth” in her own home. Least of all as they embarked upon married life. Besides, Georgiana would certainly “benefit from new friends and influences.” The caustic manner with which she had said this, gave Sidney little doubt as to whom she was referring. If he was sickened by the knowledge that he no longer loved this vapid creature, worse still, was the increasing realisation that he was growing to actively hate her. A sentiment which intensified with every passing day.

Thus it was, as a result of yet another instruction, that he found himself doing her bidding in Sanditon and continuing his never ending role as his brother’s keeper. Eliza had heard rumours among the Beau Monde that Tom was once again spending extravagantly. He was speculating based on a rumour that the Prince Regent was growing tired of Brighton and might take the waters in Sanditon the following January. He had allegedly commissioned architectural designs for a Romanesque spa to rival that of Bath. The elaborate treatments were to be provided by Dr Fuchs. Sidney had wanted to dismiss the notion as a nonsense and an idle report but he knew it held more than a ring of truth. Sadly, his fears were realised. He’d arrived to find that history was repeating itself, as it had a want to do. Tom’s attentions were indeed drifting from the practical to the fanciful and the ever dependable James Stringer, was despairing at Tom’s erratic behaviour and impossible, impractical and ostentatious demands. Sidney had immediately set about restoring order and attempting to focus his brother’s energies, not to mention the Campion money, on the immediate priority of stabilising the project and rebuilding what had been lost. That some loses could never be rebuilt or retrieved, was something of which both he and Mr Stringer were all too acutely aware. The only thing that could be said for his imposed labours, was that it afforded him much needed distraction from his misery, his impending fate and the continuing turmoil afflicting his mind and his heart. 

As he focused on the numerous invoices and receipts, Tom and Mary’s voices had drifted in from the drawing room. As usual it was his brother’s boisterous tones that drowned out all others and proved impossible to ignore. “That’s splendid news Mary! Truly. Most excellent! We must send our congratulations to the happy couple forthwith and of course, they must come to Sanditon. Indeed, I can think of no more excellent honeymoon destination. You must suggest it to the bride in your reply.” “I think they were contemplating a pre-wedding excursion Tom”. With these words echoing through the air his brother swept in to the study, with Mary at his heals, clutching a letter in her right hand. She had a pained expression on her face. One which, sadly, had become omnipresent in recent months. “Did you hear that Sidney?!” “Tom, I was trying to concentrate on this month’s accounts. There are several missing invoices. You really must give these matters your full attention.” “I’m sure they’re about here somewhere. They won’t have sprouted legs. You know I’m a creative mind Sidney. I’m not one for such details.” Tom’s continued inability to recognise the precariousness of his situation infuriated him, “For God’s sake!..My apologies Mary. You must apply yourself Tom! The success of Sanditon has never been more vital!” “Nor has its prosperity been more assured Sidney! Thanks in no small part to your lovely fiancée.” Sidney struggled to hide his disgust. Mary was less successful. She closed her eyes, covered her face with her hand and hung her head. After a moment she spoke, “Tom, please. It is deeply distasteful for you to speak so.” “How so Mary!? Sidney’s nuptials are most fortuitous. He will have the woman he has long desired and Sanditon will have the capital required to establish itself as THE premier resort on the south coast. Serendipity Mary! Serendipity.” Sidney moved to the window. He wanted to put his fist through the glass. He felt like a caged animal being taunted by those with no comprehension of his true nature or the violence of his emotions. He could feel Mary’s eyes burning against his back. In addition to her kindness, forbearance and generosity of spirit, Mary was an intelligent and perceptive woman and he had long suspected that she was not ignorant to his suffering. Or to the cause from which it resulted.

In a desperate attempt to locate more palatable subject matter, he drew his brother back to the cause of his initial exuberance. “You appeared to have received some news which gave you joy Tom. Have I missed a matter of import?” “Oh yes! I’d quite forgotten already. Indeed you have brother! Mary has just received the most delightful news. There is to be a wedding in Willingden in the spring!” In that moment, with those words, it was as though every one of his senses shut down, one by one. The world around him narrowed, until it centred only on the letter still clutched in Mary’s hand. His heartbeat raced and the sound of it thundered in his ears. His focus blurred, his knees turned to liquid. His hands shook. Round and round in his head the words repeated, “There is to be a wedding in Willingden”. His brothers lips were still moving but he couldn’t hear a word he uttered. Sweat was breaking on his forehead. He felt nauseous. “There is to be a wedding in Willingden”. 

Six months. It had only been six months. Could she have given her heart to another in such short a time? She could not marry without love. He knew that. Then again, she now understood something of love. In that, he had taught her a painful lesson. She had now seen what cruelty he and love, were capable of. He had ruined their hopes, their dreams, their happiness. He had broken her precious heart. Perhaps she no longer sought love? Who would after such agony? Who was he? Who was this man who would live the life he yearned for? The life that was rightfully his. The life he had thrown into the ashes of his brother’s folly. The man who would receive her smiles, hear her laughter, hold perfection in his arms, kiss her, caress her....He had to get out of this room! He couldn’t breathe! He couldn’t... ”Sidney! Are you alright!? You look quite ill brother”. “I think I need some air. I’ve been too long indoors. Too long by the fire...please excuse me.” With that, he fled. As he made his way hastily to the door, he suddenly heard fast moving footsteps behind him. A hand desperately grasped his arm. He looked down. It was Mary. He was certain that her distressed, anxious features reflected his own. “Sidney. Please. Please stop. Do not distress yourself, my dear brother. The wedding in Willingden? It is Alison...Miss Alison Heywood, not Charlotte. It’s not Charlotte.” 

For what seemed like an eternity he simply stood there, staring at her. Struggling to comprehend. Desperately trying to process what she’d said. After a moment he whispered, “Alison?” “Yes. Charlotte’s younger sister. She is to marry a young Lieutenant in the regulars. Apparently they’ve known each other since they were small children. I thought perhaps, in a month or two, after you’ve returned to London of course, we might invite Charlotte and Alison to stay with us for a few days as a pre-wedding treat? I understand that Alison has not been far from home.” “After I’ve gone?” “Yes of course Sidney! I would never inflict such discomfort upon you.” “Discomfort Mary?” “Yes my dear brother. Only Tom in his blind ignorance could fail to see it. Oh Sidney, I know that you loved her then and you love her now! I know that you are in torment and it breaks my heart as sure as it has broken yours!” Sidney’s expression remained one of shock but as Mary spoke, his eyes were slowly filling with tears. Tears of pain, yet also of relief. “I should wish her joy Mary. If I were a better man, I should wish to receive the news that she had forgotten me so soon. That her love had an earlier death than my own. That she had condemned me to a mere afterthought. A fleeting moment in her history. It is all I deserve. I shouldn’t be such a selfish brute. I should crave her happiness above all things. Yet I am selfish Mary. I long to remain first in her affections, as she is always in mine. I am wretched and miserable. I miss her as though she were my own flesh. I feel as though I have been torn in two. My life is worthless without her.” “I know how very much you have sacrificed for us Sidney. I do.” “I could not see him imprisoned Mary. I could not see you and the children pauperised. Our family name disgraced. But the shame of what I did Mary... to hurt her so...” ”It has come at such a terrible price Sidney”. “You cannot comprehend. It is unending. Eliza is my jailer and she rejoices in it daily.” “What do you mean?” “I had already destroyed my love and my happiness. Laid them at the alter of her fortune. I had already sacrificed my honour, integrity, decency in pursuit of this “bargain”. But she continues to extract her pound of flesh. When the knot is finally tied, I am to be deprived of my friends and Georgiana, who has already suffered so much, is to be banished.” “Sidney, no! She cannot be so cruel?” “Oh Mary, her cruelty knows no bounds. This is her only power over me and she will use it and rejoice in it. Whatever Eliza once was as a girl, she is not now as a woman. I neither know her nor regard her.” “We cannot allow this! We cannot condemn you to this!” “There is no choice Mary! Tom would be ruined. You would all be ruined. I must endure this. I must find a way. There is nothing else for it. There is nothing else for me in this life.” He hastily wiped his eyes and composed himself, “Invite her Mary. Please. She always loved this place. Make her happy, make her smile. Give her joy. The thought of it will sustain me.” With those words, he left, leaving behind a distressed and tearful Mary. She heard her husband’s voice calling to her, “Mary! Has Sidney gone?! Come and see these delightful new designs for the promenade!” Mary Parker found herself thinking that nothing was worth this agony. Nothing. Certainly not this God forsaken town.


	2. In Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Invitations and provocations.

Mary had written to Charlotte the following day to request the pleasure of her company and that of her newly betrothed sister Alison, in Sanditon, at Easter. They were to stay at Trafalgar House for a fortnight. Mary promised sea air, the society of good friends and lively entertainments. She also took pains to ensure that her correspondence subtly reassured her dear friend of Sidney’s anticipated absence from town during that time. It gave her no joy to do so but she understood that Charlotte might find such intelligence comforting, as she contemplated a return to a place which held its fair share of sorrows. Within a week, she was in receipt of a reply. Mr and Mrs Heywood had agreed to permit their journey and they would arrive one month hence. She was, as ever, grateful for their kindness to her and most eager to introduce her beloved sister to her Sanditon friends. Alison was particularly excited and was already hoping for pleasant early April weather, which might permit her to sample the delights of sea bathing. The virtues of which, Charlotte had extolled at great length. They would return home to Willingden in time for the banns to be read and the final preparations made for Alison’s wedding, which was scheduled for the first week in May. It gave Mary no pleasure to consider that the Heywood celebrations would coincide with the Parker family’s journey to London for a somewhat less eagerly anticipated event. 

Upon receipt of Charlotte’s confirmation of arrangements, Mary had informed Arthur and Diana of the prospective visitors. The news was greeted with delight by both. Charlotte had also begged leave to inform Lady Babington, Georgiana and Mr Stringer of their impending visit. Mary had offered no objection and expressed her sincerest belief that the news would be welcomed by all. Mary also took the time to write to Sidney. It was a correspondence required by sisterly affection and concern. One of necessity, which affected her deeply and afforded her little pleasure.

Dearest Sidney,

I trust that your journey back to London was swift and free of incident and that this letter finds you in your usual robust health. We all miss you greatly. The children and I most especially I believe. I cannot thank you enough for the generous gifts you purchased for them during your most recent stay and more particularly for the time you spent with them. You are so very thoughtful, indulgent and kind and I hope you know that they absolutely adore you. Henry is truly delighted with his pony and is making such progress already. He will be quite as fine a horseman as you, I believe. He has named him “Admiral” for reasons known only to himself but he delights in it and looks forward to demonstrating his skills to his Uncle Sidney, on your return.

This brings me to the principle subject of my letter. As you know, it has been my intention to invite the Miss Heywoods to Sanditon ahead of Miss Alison Heywood’s forthcoming nuptials. I recollect that this was something of which you approved. I have recently received correspondence from Willingden confirming that the sisters will join us for a fortnight’s stay from the 2nd April to the 16th April inclusive. I have taken the liberty of offering your apologies that pressing matters of business will keep you in London. Thus preventing you from having the pleasure of their company during their stay with us. You know that in doing this, I think only of your feelings and that of one we both hold so very dear. That I should cause either of you any further anxiety through an unexpected encounter, would be a source of great pain to me. However, I cannot begin to express the extent to which I wish, most fervently, that circumstances were different and that I might now offer you the promise of a new friendship and the opportunity for a much desired, renewed acquaintance. One which I am certain would bring great joy, to more than myself.

Forgive me for not mentioning it earlier in this correspondence but I send my compliments to Mrs Campion. I sincerely hope she is treating you well Sidney. The thought of you alone and friendless in London, is a cause of much distress to me. I have always desired your happiness. Should I believe that it lay with your intended, it would have given me such pleasure. You have a loving heart and soul, which deserves to find it’s mate. Or rather, to be returned to it. Please do not think me impertinent when I urge you to consider that it is not too late. As yet, nothing is irretrievable. Please give my warmest regards to Georgiana. We hope to see her once more in Sanditon before her travels begin. We hope that will be soon. In addition to our own dear Arthur, there is of course another, who will be most desirest to see her during her visit. They remain such very good friends, I understand. 

Take good care of yourself. We all send our love to you and hope to see you again very soon.

Your Loving Sister,

Mary

He had read the letter in the drawing room at Bedford Place. He’d poured himself a brandy and drank it as he took in the contents. She was to return to Sanditon in the spring. Like Botticelli’s Primavera. Bringing with her, her bountiful beauty, her spirit, grace and energy, creating renewal. He could think of nothing more perfect. He marvelled at Mary’s remarkable ability to say so much about her, without ever using her name. It seemed they had developed their own, mutually understood language of loss, sympathy and polite condolence. Mary made it all seem so very simple. Seek for happiness. Escape before it was too late. “Nothing is irretrievable”. God, how he wished that were true. How he yearned to see her again. To take his horse and ride to her side. To be free to choose his fate. Free to solicit her company without arousing suspicion or condemnation. To dance with her. To talk with her about something and nothing. To hear her pert opinions and observations. To gaze upon the finest eyes he had ever beheld, in the face of the most exquisite woman. To feel his heart beating out of his chest. To be sleepless with excitement at the promise of love restored and renewed. But it was futile. Impossible. Lady Denham had made her position clear. In the absence of the blunt they required, Tom was for debtors prison. No bank in London would so much as consider another loan. His brother was already in over his head, or “over exposed” as they so decorously put it. He could sell every asset he possessed, the warehouse, his investment portfolio, none of it would come close to the extent of the debt. He couldn’t burden his friends with his brother’s fecklessness. Besides, he had no idea if they were in a position to help. He knew Babbers and Crowe were wealthy coves but £80,000 was on another scale entirely. Babington had a wife now. The niece of Lady Denham. As fond as she was of his dearest love, Esther had never displayed any sympathy with his family. He wasn’t sure that “sympathy” was in her purview. Besides, they were establishing their married lives and it wouldn’t be long now before they had children to provide for.

Children. Now there was a thought. He’d never given much consideration to parenthood. Largely because he’d assumed he’d end a bachelor. He loved his nieces and nephews as though they were his own offspring and found their lively company a joyous distraction but beyond that, fatherhood seemed a fanciful notion and to own the truth, an unintended state he’d spent much of his adult life actively trying to prevent. There was a brief moment when the prospect felt tangible. When he’d begun to envision a life with her. She was so good with the children. They loved her so dearly. Indeed, who could not? Whether she was Admiral Heywood in charge of the French Fleet or Princess Charlotte being rescued from the clutches of the evil Queen by good Prince Henry, she was there to run and jump and laugh and embrace. To hold little hands, build sandcastles and soothe the occasional wounds of battle. He knew now, with an absolute certainty which he felt to his very bones, that she should have been the mother of his children. He should have wept with joy in her loving arms, soothed her brow after her labours and known the unimaginable rush of love and pride as he held their first born, with dark hair and dimpled chin. With their mother’s sweetness of temper and glorious, inquisitive eyes. He had denied himself all of this. He had denied it to both of them. No man’s money could ever compensate for such a deprivation. It was something he would never forgive himself for. It was a loss from which he would never recover. 

Eliza did not want children. She’d already made that clear. She lacked the temperament for the nursery. Given that her previous ten year union had failed to produce any, and that Campion had two daughters from a previous marriage, he suspected that it was an impossibility in any case. It was for the best. To bring children into a loveless marriage would be a cruelty. He’d seen it enough times before not to wish it upon his own. It was at these times, in the quiet of a late winter’s evening, by the fire, that the future before him seemed so dreadfully bleak. So empty. So utterly devoid of warmth and tenderness...and love. He contemplated how cruel it was that fate had demonstrated to him how much he had wasted on a foolish, youthful inclination, while finally showing him what it truly was to love. It had placed before him riches beyond any material gain he could conceive but at the last, had ripped it from his grasp. He could bear to think on it no more this night. He was growing weary now. He would reply to Mary’s letter in the morning. He felt his eyes closing slowly. Tonight, as with every night, he would dream of her. In that other world, she was with him always. Alas, when he awoke, she would be gone. 

He was chasing her through a wood. They were laughing together. All around them was a carpet of bluebells. Her hair was loose, just as he remembered and loved it. The soft curls were lapping against her cheeks as she ran, looking back at him every few steps. He reached for her but she was moving faster somehow. She was always just out of his reach. He called to her “Charlotte! Wait for me!” She smiled back at him, “You’ll have to catch me! Take my hand! Follow me! Don’t let me go Sidney!” He tried again to reach for her, yet again he couldn’t quite grasp her hand, “Charlotte! Charlotte!” She was disappearing into the distance, “Sidney! Come to me Sidney! Don’t leave me! Sidney! SIDNEY!” He woke with a start, not to the sight of his beloved but to that of his intended. “SIDNEY! For God sake. I’ve been standing here like a fool for ten minutes!” She was prone to exaggeration. He doubted she’d been there for that long. “Have you been drinking again?!” “I was tired Eliza. I must have fallen asleep here last night. I was reading some correspondence from Sanditon.” “I should have known. That ridiculous place! What now? Does Tom intend to construct a full size replica of the Palace of Versailles?! It’s a complete farce. Lord Emerson told me, only yesterday at luncheon, that we are utter fools to waste funds on your brother’s ridiculous schemes. Or, to be precise, to waste MY funds. Now that matters are largely resolved on the continent, no one will want these cold, damp, depressing little fishing villages. Who would want to surround oneself with unfashionable provincial types and filthy locals.” “Eliza, I’ve told you before, I would prefer that you did not discuss my brother’s business arrangements with strangers.” “Lord Emerson is not a stranger. He’s a dear friend and confident.” “Not to me!” “No, of course not. You prefer drunkards and farmers daughters”. Sidney turned to her with a face like thunder and eyes which bore every trace of the intense anger he felt, “You have a vicious tongue Eliza and you know nothing of those you seek to disparage!” “Temper, temper Sidney. You wouldn’t want to say anything which might prove...costly...now would you?” God how he loathed her.

She observed him for several minutes before she spoke again, “Why do you keep looking at the floor?” “What?” “You keep looking at the floor around your chair. Have you misplaced something?” “A letter. From Mary. Nothing of import.” “Oh dear Mary! How is she? Still tolerating your brother’s whimsy, while juggling her hectic schedule of tea and cake? However does she manage?” Eliza laughed at her own attempt at humour. Sidney found nothing of amusement in her cruelty. “My dear sister has endured a great deal from us all, with her customary dignity and good humour. She is a lady in the truest and finest sense. Not something every woman of my acquaintance can rightfully claim.” Eliza’s face soured. “Was there a purpose to your visit at this hour Eliza?” “I didn’t think your betrothed required a specific reason to seek your company Sidney but now that you mention it, there was a purpose. We have been invited to dine this evening, with Lady Worcester in Grosvenor Square.” Sidney was stunned, “Lady Worcester?” “Yes. Not someone often in my circle but she is a leading light in the Beau Monde. Always a useful connection. She did visit your brother’s wretched sandpit last summer and seemed rather fond of that little farmer’s daughter who was staying with your family. What was her name again?…Caroline...Catherine...oh, something beginning with a C...” Sidney turned his back to the fireplace and closed his eyes against the ache in his chest, “Charlotte. Her name is Charlotte. Miss Charlotte Heywood.” “Oh yes. That was it. Charlotte Heywood. Good with the children. Quite a sweet creature. Completely lacking in style of course. Not that you could expect much more from a little countryside bookworm. The society in those rural villages is something savage I’m told. Seemed fond of rowing, as I recall.” She looked at Sidney like a cat sizing up a canary. His expression remained neutral throughout her blatant provocation. “What time does Lady Worcester require us this evening?” “Seven thirty for eight. I’ll send my carriage to fetch you. Don’t be late. You know how I hate tardiness.” With that she swept from the room. 

Damn it! Damn her! She had to taunt him. It was sport to her. He had a searing headache and now he couldn’t find Mary’s letter. Where the hell was it? It must have fallen from his hand when he fell asleep. Perhaps the maid had picked it up. He’d go upstairs, bathe, get some breakfast and find out where she’d put it. The last thing he needed today was the prospect of a society dinner and with Lady Susan of all people. His last thought as he headed to his room was the possibility of finding any excuse, to get out of it. 

Meanwhile, in her carriage, en route to her modeste, Eliza Campion seethed. When she’d arrived in the drawing room he’d been asleep. There was a half drunk decanter of brandy beside him. He stank of it. He was mumbling. At first she couldn’t make it out. Something about waiting for someone or something. Then he said her name. Over and over, crying out like a child. Charlotte. That upstart, precocious little bitch! She reached in to her reticule and drew out a letter, addressed to Sidney, in Mary Parker’s hand. She’d found it lying on the floor at his feet when she first entered the room. So Mary Parker would presume to thwart her. This mousey little mistress of Tom Parker’s empire of dust, would encourage her betrayal and humiliation. She had the audacity to conspire to bring it about. She could bring them to their knees if she chose. These Parker’s would have to learn the hard way that she never forgot and she didn’t forgive. More importantly, she never entered a race without the intention to win it...at any cost.


	3. An Evening In Mayfair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever. - Linda Lambert

The Campion carriage arrived to collect Sidney from Bedford Place a little after 7pm, and thence, to convey the unhappy couple the short distance across town to Lady Worcester’s Mayfair residence. Eliza had established the rule that Sidney’s valet must enquire of her maid exactly what she intended to wear, ahead of any social event. The object of the exercise being that his evening attire should blend suitably with the chosen colour of her gown. She placed a disproportionate importance on such trivial matters. It gave the superficial illusion of compatibility in all things, when in reality, there was none. On this occasion, Sidney had not anticipated the evening engagement and had therefore given his valet the night off. In his absence, he had merely chosen the first waistcoat which came to hand. As he entered the carriage to her look of disapproval, it became clear that he had, once again, failed to meet her exacting standards. She was dressed in a richly embroidered gown of silver thread. His waistcoat was gold. He refused to think about the last time he’d worn it. On that occasion, he had made his own enquiries about the gown to be worn by the woman he would accompany. He had felt suddenly possessive and territorial. He wanted to display to all the world her utter perfection, yet keep it cherished, for himself alone. He wanted her to be proud to stand with him. As proud as he was to have her by his side. He remembered with a smile, the bliss of holding his love so close in his arms, the way her hand fit perfectly in his own, the fact that he could still smell the faint hint of her rose water scent on the fabric. His expression changed as he reflected on the pathetic shambles his life had since become. “I am glad this awkwardness amuses you Sidney. You must have words with your valet first thing in the morning. Have I not clearly impressed upon you the requirement that we must coordinate in matters of evening attire? If the man is incapable of following the simplest instruction, he must be dismissed forthwith.” “The fault is my own. This engagement was not scheduled Eliza. Mathers is on leave, with my prior consent.” Her expression was one of distain. He could not resist the temptation to seek amusement at her expense, “Surely you had no intention of wearing satin breeches this evening too!” She wasn’t amused. She seldom was. “Don’t be facetious Sidney. Had we more time, I would insist that you return to the house and change to the silver brocade waistcoat I purchased for you. We look ridiculously mismatched!” Sidney muttered, “Nothing new there then.” “What was that?” “I said, I’m sure they’ll all be looking at you, when we get there.” Eliza eyed him with suspicion, “Hmm. Well. As it would appear that you will be a source of sartorial embarrassment to me tonight, perhaps you might endeavour to compensate by moderating your drinking and at least attempting to engage in conversation. You’ve become excessively dull of late.” “Is there anything else Eliza?” “I beg your pardon?” “Well, my friends, my family, my attire, my mood, my alcohol consumption, is there anything else I should seek to alter for your approval?” “Yes. You can moderate your tone.” Sidney sighed deeply. The walls of his prison cell were closing in more with every passing day. Just as his urge to rail against his confinement intensified. 

The rest of the journey took place in silence. By the time they finally arrived in Grosvenor Square and were introduced by the liveried footman, Eliza was, as usual, clinging tightly to his arm with a vice like grip, her features wreathed in her customary obsequiousness and efforts at civility. Sidney had his equally familiar, polite, closed-lip smile, one which never came close to reaching his eyes and which looked less like joy and more like exactly what it was. A silent, unending scream. As always, Lady Susan was a stunning vision of fashion and elegance, in black velvet and dripping in diamonds and rubies. Fashionably, they were not the first to arrive but not the last and she approached the couple immediately upon their arrival in the salon. “Mrs Campion, Mr Parker, welcome. How delightful to see you both again. I’m so pleased you were able to join my little soirée.” As Sidney rose from his bow, he noticed that Lady Susan was carefully appraising him. He knew of her deep affection and regard for his beloved Charlotte and anticipated that she must be all too aware by now, of his callous conduct. He despised himself for it and felt once again, awash with the shame of this devil’s bargain he’d made and it’s consequences for the one he loved. “I believe I am to offer you both congratulations. A spring wedding in town. How delightful.” Sidney’s jaw clenched to the point where the muscles visibly twitched and the bone seemed almost certain to fracture through the skin. In stark contrast, Eliza could scarce contain her pleasure, “Thank you Lady Worcester. Sidney and I could not be happier. Could we my dear?” Sidney offered no reply. “Indeed, I believe we are made for each other. To be reunited after all these years and to set a seal upon our joy with a wedding in St George’s in front of all our society friends. Indeed what could be more perfect?” Lady Susan smiled politely, “It sounds like a veritable dream come true.” Once again Sidney offered no response. Just the dying embers of his haunted smile. Throughout Eliza’s rhapsodising, Susan had watched Sidney like a hawk. His eyes stared, fixed and glazed, into the middle distance. He blinked slowly, then began searching about the room, as though looking for the nearest exit. Eliza’s grip on his arm looked almost painful. Like the claw of a raptor. “I must confess, as charming as St George’s is, I’ve always preferred a country wedding myself. I understand that the Babington’s nuptials were quite delightful. I was most disappointed to be unable to attend. Particularly as it would have afforded an opportunity to spend time in the company of a very dear young friend. What do you think Mr Parker? Are you a town or a country man...at heart?”

Sidney froze. He fully understood her meaning and the implication. Lady Susan seemed determined to draw him out. He opened his mouth to reply but was quickly silenced. “Oh, Sidney has no view on such matters! You know how men are. He will simply show up at the allotted time on the appointed day and repeat what he’s told.” Eliza laughed awkwardly. “Really? The men of my acquaintance have always displayed much more character and sentiment than that. You disappoint me. I had been led to believe that Mr Sidney Parker was a man of impulse, adventure and independent spirit. That you were not insensible of feeling.” The use of that term left him in no doubt as to where she had heard it. It momentarily took his breath away. He struggled to maintain his countenance. She continued, “Is that your intention Mr Parker. To simply do as you are told?” Susan’s eyes bore into Sidney’s as though attempting to reach his very soul, “I find I have little choice in the matter, Your Ladyship.” “Susan, please. We are all friends here...and I find that we always have choices in this life Mr Parker. The art is in making the right ones.” They continued to appraise each other until Eliza broke the tension, “Well. I’m sure we would not wish to prevent you from greeting your other guests Lady Worcester. I see the Findlaters are arriving.” “Ah yes, so they are. Please excuse me. I look forward to continuing our conversation later. I trust you will have a pleasant evening.” Sidney bowed and Mrs Campion curtseyed. It was not lost on Eliza that the offer of first name terms, had not been extended to her. Such social slights made her even more peevish than usual. Sidney handed her a glass of champagne from the silver tray of a passing footman and they moved to mingle, “It would appear that you have been greatly favoured, Sidney.” “I know not what you speak of Eliza.” He muttered, “Not that that is unusual.” “You know exactly what I refer to. How did she put it? “Susan, please. We are all friends here.” I must give deference to her preening majesty, while you are granted every civility. Who does she think she is? She’s nothing more than the Regent’s bed warmer.” Sidney rolled his eyes in exasperation. “...and yet you are happy to accept her hospitality. Then again, the champagne tastes the same whoever’s paying.“ “I have a good mind to leave right now! How dare she slight me.” He sighed as he attempted to mollify her, “I’m sure she meant no disrespect to you Eliza.” “What do you know?! You just stand there and say nothing!” “I find it best.” “I know exactly why she despises me!” “Oh, so now she despises you? You are being ridiculous.” “Oh! I’m ridiculous now am I?” “In this matter, yes you are.” “It will doubtless be the result of her intimacy with that little....” Sidney’s head snapped up to meet her eyes. 

He knew exactly to whom she was about to refer. Once again his thinly veiled temper rose to the surface. He snarled like a chained dog, “Finish that sentence and I will leave this room immediately and damn your social standing.” “Who are you to threaten me?” “I will not listen to any more of this filth and bile Eliza.” “You will do as you are bid. I intend to get my money’s worth.” “What are you talking about?” She hissed, “Why, you are bought and paid for dearest. You seriously think I don’t know? You believed that I, not to mention half the ton, was unaware of your pathetic brother’s foolishness and exorbitant debts?” Sidney blanched. “You think I don’t know that you want to lay your hands on my money Sidney Parker? That otherwise your ridiculous family are finished. She leaned forward to whisper in his ear, “You think I don’t know about your feelings for Charlotte Heywood? Tell me Sidney, do you pine for your little farmer’s daughter? Do you call for her in your sleep perhaps? Does she keep you awake at night? What did she let you do? Is she as much of a whore as her friend Susan?” Without thinking Sidney exclaimed, “ENOUGH!” He could have strangled her with his bare hands. He clenched them into fists to stop them from shaking. The room fell silent. They were surrounded by the shocked faces of virtually the entire Beau Monde. Sidney continued to look furious, while Eliza blushed and lowered her head. The commotion had attracted Lady Susan’s attention. In that moment the dinner gong sounded and with all the elegance and ceremony she could muster, Susan made her way towards the warring pair. The assembled throng separated like the parting of the Red Sea until Susan stood before Sidney. “Mr Parker, perhaps you would be so kind as to escort me in to dinner. I believe that cook has out done herself. We mustn’t let it spoil.” Sidney immediately offered her his arm, “But of course ma’am. Please forgive me.” Susan looked at Eliza, then took Sidney’s arm, “Something tells me no forgiveness is necessary. Viscount Ellerby?” “Yes Your Ladyship”. “Please escort Mrs Campion.” “But of course”. With that, the shocked guests proceeded slowly in to the dining room. 

To Sidney’s astonishment but considerable relief, he was seated next to Lady Susan and some distance from Eliza. Conversation was initially somewhat muted. There was nothing that the upper echelons of society despised more than “a scene”. If Sidney was initially embarrassed, it was tempered by his intense anger. Nonetheless, he felt the need to apologise to the hostess. “Lady Susan...” “I’ve told you Mr Parker. It’s Susan.” “Susan. Please accept my sincerest apologies for my outburst earlier.” “Mr Parker...” “Sidney, please. If you are to be Susan to me, then I must be Sidney to you.” He smiled. The first genuine smile she’d noted in their limited acquaintance. It lit up his handsome face and in that moment, she could see something of the man her dear friend loved so. “Sidney. As I said. I suspect you had some provocation.” He looked down the table towards Eliza, who was engrossed in conversation with Viscount Ellerby. “Forgive me if I’m intruding on your personal circumstances but if I might be so bold, for a betrothed man, you seem desperately unhappy. Indeed, I confess I’ve seldom seen such tension in a couple about to undertake matrimony.” “I did not wish to discomfort you or your guests.” “Sidney, this isn’t about me or my guests. This is about you and yes, it’s about Mrs Campion. I’m not naive enough to believe that all marriages are born of love but equally, in those devoid of it, I know how they often end and it is in misery and torment. For all parties involved. How could you condemn yourself to such a fate? You do not strike me as a self-serving man. You have fortune enough, surely. Certainly enough to make a more prudent match. One that would also please your heart. I confess, I do not understand your choice...particularly as I’d thought it might tend towards another.” “It did...it does. I cannot lie to you. Perhaps it would be advisable to do so but I will not. This is not my choice. It is a necessity.” “Your brother?” “Yes. I am reluctant to go into the particulars while in company but he faced an impossible burden. Largely of his own making. The consequences however...” “Would be felt by more than himself?” “Yes.”

His reply hung in the air for some time before Susan remarked, “So you thought that in marrying Mrs Campion...” “I would solve the problem. I loved her once. At least, I believed that I did. I was seventeen then. The passage of time has made me realise that it was a youthful inclination. Indeed, I can scare imagine anyone more altered than she. She is not the Eliza I knew.” Lady Susan pondered this for a moment as she moved some food around her plate with her fork. Sidney drank deeply from his wine glass. “Few of us are who and what we were in our youth Sidney. Fortune has spoiled Mrs Campion I fear. Fortune and a weakness of character. Let it not spoil you.” Sidney took this in. “...and what of my dear Charlotte in all of this?” Sidney looked at her with an expression of such raw emotion that it broke her heart and removed any lingering doubt about the sincerity of his emotions, “I was never worthy of her. I could never have deserved such a blessing as she.” “She loved you Sidney. I believe she loves you still. Such a tender heart would never forget so soon.” He could barely tolerate to hear these words, “I beg of you Susan. Please, do not say these things to me. You pierce my soul. No man ever loved more than I have loved her...than I love her.” “Then you cannot do this. You cannot make this sacrifice. It is not solely yours to make.” “Charlotte is young. She is beautiful. She is the sweetest, the most perfect... She is deserving of love and devotion. Not of a worthless brute who would discard her, or of a man whose family name is disgraced. She will find another.” “You seem to think little of her if you believe that she would judge you thus or dismiss you so easily.” “You are wrong. I think nothing of myself. I think everything of her. She is the finest woman I have ever known. I will love her till my last breath but I do not wish her to regret me. I would rather she forget I exist. That she leave me here, in the Hell I have made. It is all I deserve.” 

Susan regarded his evident agony with some distress, “Indeed that is not so Sidney. You should not have hurt her. In that regard you should lament your course but your tenderness of feeling for your unfortunate family, speaks well of you and of your character. You did not seek for your own gain. Indeed, I fear the loss you have endured is incalculable. I have heard rumours of your brother’s indebtedness. If I may ask, is the sum involved very great.” Sidney looked around cautiously. The noise levels had grown substantially and all the other guests were engaged in conversation. He felt it safe to proceed. “Yes. It is almost beyond comprehension.” “Fifty?” “Eighty”. Susan’s face reflected her shock. “Dear God. This resulted from the fire?” “You heard of it?” “Our dear Charlotte informed me. As is her honourable temperament and character, she confined her remarks to that which was publicly known. You know her well enough to apprehend that she would never gossip or betray a confidence. Surely there was insurance enough to cover the damage?” Sidney slowly shook his head and whispered. “There was none. The premiums were large. He took a gamble. None of us knew what he had done. Needless to say, had I known...It proved to be a catastrophic mistake. I went to London immediately. I thought about every possibility. No legitimate source would so much as consider covering the debt. Lady Denham was the principle investor. Understandably, she was furious. She insisted she would see Tom in debtors prison. As you know, he has a wife and four children. The youngest is a mere babe in arms. He could never have satisfied such a debt. He would never have been a free man again.” “...and now you will never be.” “I had only my own fate to consider.” “No Sidney. You had Charlotte’s”. He hung his head. “You’re right of course and I hate myself for the pain I have caused her. To break such a heart. To see her tears. It repeats in my mind every minute of every day. It is my torment. My torture. It has killed me a thousand times over.” Tears threatening to fall, Sidney ran the thumb and forefinger of his right hand, across his eyelids, to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I can see that. All is not yet lost.” “You sound exactly like my sister in law.” “Mrs Parker knows what you did?” “Yes. She feels as you do.” “I only met her briefly at the Regatta but given the circumstances, she must indeed be a woman of considerable fortitude, forbearance and generosity of spirit.” “Mary is all of those things and more. She wishes my happiness above all else.” “Then we must restore it.” “I wish it were possible but I cannot see it.” “That is all too clear to me. You cannot see the forest for the trees at present. It is entirely understandable. You must rally your spirits and your strength for the fight ahead Sidney. Leave the vision to others with greater perspective than you currently possess. There is something you must promise me though. If somehow she is restored to you, will you swear to me that you will love her and cherish her all the days of your life?” Without hesitation Sidney replied, “Yes. Yes I will. I swear on my life.” Susan looked deeply into his eyes to establish the truth of his vow. She was satisfied as to his sincerity. “Then God help you to make good your vow. We have work to do. Think no more on it now.” Eliza was staring ominously at them. “You must pacify that creature. You have chosen a dangerous opponent. However, she is a worthy one. We must move swiftly. She must not have time to prepare her attack.” “You sound like a General.” “I was married to one. If he taught me anything it was to know your enemy as your friend and always maintain the element of surprise. I understand that Charlotte and her sister are for Sanditon next month.” “Yes, they are.” “Excellent. I look forward to seeing you and Mrs Campion there Sidney.” “Susan, there is no way...!” “If you’re the man I think you are, you’ll find it. Leave the rest to me.” Slowly Sidney smiled at her, “Well then. Let the games commence.”


	4. A Way Through The Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A real friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world, walks out.” Walter Winchell.

To avoid raising any further suspicion or speculation, Sidney acted upon Lady Susan’s urging to “pacify” Eliza. It had proven to be no easy task. Their journey that evening, from Grosvenor Square had been conducted in a silence so thick with tension, that it could be cut with a knife. Sidney was deposited at Bedford Place without acknowledgement. He bade her “Goodnight”, to which she responded with a curt command to the coachman, “Drive on Rossiter!” In the following days he had sent notes of apology, small gifts and bouquets of flowers. The gifts and flowers were promptly returned. He suspected that the notes merely served to add fuel to her drawing room fire. She refused to receive him. It was to be almost two weeks before she sent a card, instructing him that they were to attend a luncheon in Cadogen Square, Knightsbridge, the following afternoon. Their esteemed hostess was Lady Mary Bainbridge, a friend of Susan’s. Sidney smiled. He detected Susan’s hand in this. He’d made her aware that his insincere but necessary overtures had been soundly rejected. Sidney was fully aware that Susan could provide the kind of inducement that was guaranteed to draw this particular serpent from her lair. In her relentless pursuit of position and social cache, Eliza was nothing if not entirely predictable. It would be an entertaining afternoon. 

If Eliza imagined that Sidney had genuinely spent the previous fortnight fretting and lamenting their estrangement, she was greatly mistaken. He had thoroughly enjoyed every minute of his temporary freedom. In fact, he had rejoiced in it. Rediscovering his independence, impulsiveness and rebellious streak, he was positively revivified. He had taken Georgiana to the theatre at Drury Lane and Saddlers Wells, to see the curiosities in the Strand, for tea and ices at Gunters and to Ranelagh Pleasure Gardens in Chelsea, to enjoy the nightly illuminations. Their relationship, which had always been hostile, was not exactly warm. Her resentment of him, having only increased after his recent behaviour towards Charlotte. However, she appreciated his willingness to fight not to send her away after his marriage. In truth, temporarily freed from the shackles of Mrs Campion and the weight of his brother’s relentless expectations and demands, she found, much to her surprise, that her Guardian was somewhat less wretched than she thought and could actually be lively and engaging company. If there was still a chill in the air, there was also perhaps the hint of a thaw.

After a relaxing week of sheer fun and indulgence in town, on a whim, Sidney had ridden to Sanditon, stopped at the coves, collected as many shells as his saddle bags could carry and ridden back with them to London. The following day he had parcelled them up and placed a single pressed flower alongside them. A pink Camellia. He sent the package anonymously, by express, to Charlotte in Willingden. He delighted in the thought of her opening the box and imagined the little puzzled expression, he had come to so adore, which would grace her beautiful face as she saw the contents. He knew this blissful interlude would not last long but he could feel his spirits rising once again and his strength returning. He intended to make the most of it while he could and damn the consequences. Having introduced Lady Susan to Georgiana, he found that Susan was proving to be a kindly and indulgent patroness who had begun to take his ward under her wing. It was shortly after depositing Georgiana in Grosvenor Square for an afternoon of musical diversion, that Sidney found himself in St James’s Street. As he approached White’s Gentlemen’s Club at number thirty seven, two familiar voices could be heard above the throng, “PARKER!” “By Jove it is him! It’s Sidney!” Crowe and Babington approached with broad, delighted smiles. Babington, was as ever, the picture of the elegant gentleman about town. Crowe, as was his custom, was the very essence of a sardonic, well oiled Dandy. Sidney was no less pleased to see them both. His forced exile from their society and companionship, had been yet another source of sorrow to him. Although neither man knew of its true cause. “Babbers! Crowe! Well met.” Babington embraced him warmly, “Well met indeed old friend! We’d quite despaired of you.” 

After the minimum amount of persuasion, Sidney had agreed to join his friends in Whites and spent much of the afternoon laughing and imbibing, while he listened to Crowe’s latest exploits involving three bottles of Port wine, a blindfold, a parlour maid named Daisy and the remnants of his Great Aunt’s feathered headdress, in which she was presented at Court. Babington took great pleasure in extolling the virtues of matrimony and the importance of marrying a woman you could love to the point of insanity but never quite predict. It was during this portion of the conversation that the laughter which had caused tears to stream down his cheeks and his ribs to ache, for the first time in months, gave way to a more sullen and reflective Sidney. It did not go unnoticed by his two friends. Babington was naturally the first to comprehend the sudden change in mood, Crowe’s cognitive skills now rapidly declining with every passing carafe. “You’ll soon learn of the pleasantries and peculiarities of the married state old friend.” Babington observed warmly. Sidney’s response was to reach for a bottle and accompany it with a monotone, monosyllabic, “Yes.” Babington and Crowe exchanged a knowing glance. This version of Sidney was sadly all too familiar to them both. He could be morose in drink. In the past, he had also been quick to temper and not averse to violence. If they had hoped that an impending union with his erstwhile love would enliven his spirits, they were greatly mistaken. Babington had long suspected the cause. “If you’ll forgive me Sidney, you don’t exactly strike me as the most merry groom to be. In truth, you seem...how can I put this...less than enthusiastic.” “I think the word you’re wrestling for is miserable Babbers”, Crowe interjected. Sidney looked at the pair and with a sigh observed, “For a drunk man, you’re a veritable thesaurus Crowe”. “We are sincere my friend. We’ve been concerned about you.” “Save your concern for one who deserves it.” “What makes you think you do not?” “Babbers, I want to enjoy some precious freedom! I want to get blind drunk with my old friends! I do NOT want to discuss the bloody disaster that is my life! Do I make myself clear!” 

To his credit, Babington pressed on. It would have been easy to retreat given that he had some familiarity with the consequences of enraging Sidney Parker. He’d witnessed it often enough and bribed enough landlords and unfortunate patrons, over the years, to be cautious. However, on this occasion, the price for the truth seemed worth paying. “You can shout at us all you want. You can slam tables. You can punch me in the face, though I hasten to add that I’d prefer it if you didn’t, but we are not seeking idle gossip. We are not set to make you the talk of the ton. We see with our own eyes that something is very wrong. That, until today, you have rejected our invitations for weeks, that when we have seen you since your betrothal you’ve looked less like a man in love anticipating his union and more like a condemned man anticipating the gallows!” At that point Babington paused. He knew what he was about to say, would cause pain. He wasn’t sure if it might be inflicted on him. “Sidney...I know that you loved another.” Sidney’s head snapped up from his drink. His eyes flashed momentarily with the anger of provocation but settled instead on the intense pain of loss. “Do not importune me on this subject Babington.” Crowe replied, “I fear he must Sidney. The truth may be unpalatable but it is curative, in its own way.” “I’d forgotten you can be quite the philosopher by the fifth bottle Crowe.” He smiled, “How do you think I got you to tell us the tale of your exploits at the coves!” Sidney laughed but it quickly turned to an expression of sorrow and regret. 

He lowered his eyes. “I should never have told you about that. I should never have discussed her in such a way...in such a place. She deserved better from me...she always did...but she never received it. I did nothing but cause her pain.” Babington saw his opening, “Miss Heywood?” “Yes. Miss Heywood. Charlotte.” Sidney closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, his heartache was all too evident, “God. You have no idea how much I’ve missed saying her name. The very sound of it on my lips.” “Did she reject you?” “Reject me!?” “On the night of the Mid Summer Ball in Sanditon. I knew you intended to ask her. It was clear you were besotted. I’m so sorry old friend that I let my own concerns blind me to yours. I should have spoken to you earlier about this. Certainly before my wedding. I know enough about the pain of rejection to know that discussing it is difficult and humiliating. I must confess I cannot fathom it. I had thought the two of you made a most arresting pair. Indeed she blushed delightfully in your presence and in London...Crowe you should have seen them together in a dance...it was positively erotic...to turn you down at the last..” “She didn’t.” Babington was halted mid flow. “She didn’t turn me down. I never got the chance. I was about to ask her when...I apologise Babbers for invoking his name...that reprobate Edward Denham, arrived. You know the rest. We removed him, I put him in a carriage for London, then all Hell broke loose.” “The fire?” “Yes. It’s what happened after the fire that put paid to it. That shattered all my hopes. That destroyed my life.” Crowe who’d been listening as intently as possible in his state slurred, “What happened?” “Tom.” Babington was suitably puzzled, “Your brother?” “My brother. My dear brother. The heir to the Parker dynasty! The King of Sanditon! Tom Parker! God bless him and all who sail in him!” Sidney raised his glass as though in a toast and knocked back the contents in one gulp. 

“Sidney. We don’t understand...” “Of course you don’t Babbers! I’ll let you into a little secret...neither did I. How could a man understand how the brother he’d always looked up to, admired, defended, would risk himself, his wife, his children, his family’s name and reputation on the destiny of a pathetic fishing village! Huh? Could you understand it?” Babington watched as Sidney poured himself another drink. “We found out the day after the fire that the bloody fool hadn’t paid the insurance premiums on the building works! He’d ruined himself! He’d ruined us all! He’d ruined my life...my love...my Charlotte.” “Sidney how could it ruin...?” “£80,000.” Crowe dropped his glass, causing several other members of the club to look at them with barely disguised contempt. Crowe looked back with complete indifference, “Butterfingers! My apologies!” He declared in a sing song tone. “Dear God Sidney! £80,000!” Babington was stunned. “Yes indeed. Quite the pretty sum wouldn’t you say? Sadly, it wasn’t his only debt...I shouldn’t be telling you this...” “Sidney, you are like a brother to us both. What you say, you say in confidence. You know that.” “I do Babbers. Forgive me.” “No forgiveness necessary. But I still don’t understand what happened with Miss Heywood? She never struck me as one to care for money. Indeed she said so at Lady D’s wretched luncheon.” “You’re right. She doesn’t care for such matters. Her heart is pure and unselfish. Indeed she was so wonderfully supportive to us all...” Sidney’s voice broke and he took another drink as his emotions began to overwhelm him, along with the alcohol. “My dearest love is an angel. Truly. Angelic. An angel who fell in love with the devil himself.” “Sidney!” “Well! I am. I am the devil. Who else would break such a heart!? Do you know what I did Babbers? See if you want to continue to befriend me when I tell you. I gave her every reason to believe that I would make her an offer of marriage. Then I went to London and engaged myself to my former intended. A fine pile of blunt she is too! Eliza Campion! What do you think of that? Am I not the very epitome of honour and distinction!? Then...oh the next part is just perfect...I travelled back to Sanditon and promptly told Charlotte, “Guess what my dearest love!? I was going to offer you but I’ve changed my mind. You’re out! She’s in! Be happy!” Then we stuck her in a carriage and packed her off to Will...to Willin...home. I listened to her cry! I watched her and I did NOTHING! Do you have any idea what that was like! DO YOU!?” By now the other members around them were muttering and attracting the attention of the waiting staff. Babington attempted to appease them, “My apologies once again. My friend has had some distressing news. He is not himself.” He turned back to the table, “Sidney you must lower your voice. Between you and butterfingers here, we’ll be thrown out on the street!” It was only then that Babington noticed Crowe passing his handkerchief to Sidney. “Here my friend. Do not distress yourself.” “I am embarrassing myself and you.” Crowe was swift in his reply, “Nonsense! I cannot be embarrassed. I would have thought you would know that by now. Besides, how often have you removed me from an unfortunate circumstance?” Babington replied, “Of your own making or others? Now THAT would be incalculable.” It made Sidney smile. Babington continued, “So your betrothal is a sham?” “A total and utter farce. A Hell of my own making. Do you know, I don’t even recognise this woman. She’s a stranger to me. I can’t even remember why I once acknowledged her, let alone loved her. She’s hideous. She dangles that poor dead bastard Campion’s money in front of me like it’s the last drop of water in a desert. I almost envy him his fate. Instead I live on in this paltry existence. She parades me like a prize stallion. She taunts me like the jailer she is and I am the worthless creature she torments at her leisure. Upon our marriage, she will send Georgiana abroad. She will deny me your friendship. So perhaps you can see why I make such a poor groom to be. Is this all not enough cause for my current state of misery? It is all I deserve for my actions. That and the knowledge that the only woman I will ever love is denied to me forever. The joy that would have been ours, will never be. In every way that matters, I am a ruined man.” Babington and Crowe sat in shocked silence. 

Babington eventually spoke first, “Dear friend I am sorrier than I could ever express. This is truly the most dreadful circumstance. My only wish is that you had felt able to speak of it to us before now.” “What would have been the point? There was only one solution. No bank in London would cover the debts.” “There were options.” “Yes! Debters Prison for Tom.” Crowe pipped up, “Perhaps it would have done him some good!” “Crowe!” “Well Babbers! Damn it! He’s ruined his life!” “He has a lot of life left to live.” “Do not remind me Babbers...” “Do not speak like that. Never speak like that. Where there is life there is hope and this situation is not as hopeless as it may seem.” “I admire your optimism my friend, believe me I do but I can see no way out.” In that moment, Sidney was suddenly reminded of Lady Susan’s observation that he couldn’t see the wood for the trees. “Let us help you Sidney. Let us try to find a pathway.” “Babbers...” “Do you want this fate!?” “No!” “Do you still love your Charlotte?!” “More than life itself!” “Then let us try. Please old friend. We will not abandon you. We will never do that and we will never let her keep us from you. Let us help you. Let us try to find a way.”

Sidney had left White’s that day, unsteady on his feet yes, but with a renewed sense of purpose and hope. Perhaps there was a chance. He had to take it. He knew that he would have to live this lie for now but it might not be for long. With his friends and Lady Susan beside him. His path to freedom was just beginning. Thus it was a few days later, that he awaited the arrival of the Campion carriage once again and the first stage of his escape.


	5. A Plan Comes Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s funny how we feel so much but we don't say a word, we're screaming inside but we can't be heard- Sarah McLachlan

Lady Mary Bainbridge, known to her nearest and dearest as “May”, was a delightfully plump dowager with a passion for three things in life, her Maltese, “Mr.B”, endless matchmaking and copious quantities of marzipan. Her Knightsbridge salon was a monumented to old money and to generations of good taste. Her good opinion was a ticket to swift progress through the upper echelons of society. Thus Eliza Campion was positively salivating as she and Sidney arrived at her highly polished front door for what promised to be an afternoon of social climbing of such magnitude, that it would make even the most ardent outdoor adventurer, demure. 

Ahead of their anticipated arrival, Lady Susan had been ensuring that May, the very soul of discretion in all matters, was fully appraised of every particular of the Parker/Campion betrothal and the unhappy circumstances which had given rise to it’s necessity. May’s pronouncement was immediate, “An abomination! It cannot be! Young Parker must reconsider his course with haste. He must not abandon his love, for the Campion widow and her inheritance. It is not to be borne!” Lady Susan smiled, “I knew my dear May, that as a true romantic like myself, you would find the whole episode profoundly objectionable.” “Poor Miss Heywood. Poor, dear girl. And to have her heart broken in her first season too.” “Oh May. I think the season was the very least of her concerns. Indeed I believe that Charlotte cares little for the vagaries of society.” “Still Susan. A blow to the heart, so severe, it must not be allowed to dampen her spirits.” “Trust me, my dear friend, I will not permit Miss Charlotte Heywood to be defeated by this. Indeed it is my very sincere belief that this entire episode, far from weakening their mutual affection, has served to strengthen their ardour. I am certain that is the case for the gentleman.” “Is he a “gentleman” though Susan? To lead her to believe an offer would be made. To display such caprice. I know the burden his family faced but to injure another so cruelly...” “I understand your concern and believe me I shared it. However, the gentleman has fully appraised me of his motivations and his torment and I believe both to be sincere. He is in agony May. He does not deserve this fate.” “Hmm. I have heard enough of the Campion widow to apprehend that a lifetime with such a vapid, grasping creature could not be to the taste of any man possessed of some strength of character, an independent nature...or a lively countenance. I look forward to observing if my intelligence is proven correct.” “I fear it will be my friend.”

“So. What are your plans? I’m certain you have them. The requested addition of the Babingtons as well as Mrs Campion and her unfortunate betrothed, to my guest list this afternoon, cannot be coincidental, I am sure.” Susan smiled, “You know me too well May. No indeed, it is artifice of the most cunning kind. Charlotte and her sister Alison are for Sanditon in a fortnight’s time. Alison is to wed and being as she has been little from home, the young ladies are to enjoy a visit to the seaside, with all it’s charms.” “Does it have many? I had rather heard it to be a somewhat ramshackle place.” “Let’s say it is in it’s infancy, having had a somewhat difficult birth....and it remains something of a problem child.” May laughed long and hard at the description. “Dear Susan, you have such a way with words. So the young ladies will visit and I assume Mr Sidney Parker will happen upon them during their stay?” It was Susan’s turn to laugh, “That is indeed my intention. I do intend some degree of subtlety though. I will host a grand ball and picnic on the beach, to celebrate the Heywood nuptials. I intend to extend the invitations today, with your permission of course.” “As long as I am included in the party, you are most welcome to do so.” “May! Did you think I would exclude you from such an auspicious occasion? Never! I do so firmly believe that at such a moment, a young woman should be afforded an opportunity to celebrate in style. Don’t you?” “But of course...and they do say that one wedding makes another.” “They do May. Unfortunately in this case, we must break one to make one.” “Not an easy task. Particularly given the financial issue. How will you resolve that particular conundrum?” “That’s where the Babingtons come in. I have been corresponding with the couple of late. They share an affection for both Sidney and Charlotte, indeed she was Lady B’s maid of honour. While my dear Charlotte has largely concealed her pain, so forbearing as she is and so far from us all, in Willingden, Lord B is all too aware that his friend is in deep distress. As you know, Lady B is Lady Denham’s niece. Lady Denham’s threat to send Sidney’s brother Tom to debter’s prison is at the heart of this ghastly imbroglio. She has a certain affectionate regard both for her niece and for Charlotte. She “amuses” her apparently. Lady B has persuaded her Aunt to call off the hounds. To rescind the threat of imprisonment. At least for the time being. It would seem that despite having a heart, not easily touched, Lady Denham was herself once left heartbroken by a suitor who chose money over affection. She wants no part in inflicting that fate on another. I believe she understands where such pain can lead. It hardened her. I can see why she would not wish that for Charlotte”. “If I know anything of Lady Denham her sympathies will not extend to the return on her investment!” “No. Nor should it. She has provided extensive capital to the Sanditon project and she has a right to seek a return. Mr Tom Parker has managed the whole scheme most poorly to date. Whatever his talents as a “visionary” and impresario, he is not a man for the task of business. A number of Mr Sidney Parker’s friends, myself included, are exploring potential solutions to the matter of Sanditon’s finances. I have not discussed this with Sidney as yet. He is, despite the evidence of some of his recent conduct, a deeply honourable man. I think any notion of “charity” would appall him. No. It must be a viable proposition. We are working on it.” “Well. Work fast. For here comes the bride...” 

With that, Eliza Campion swept into the salon, trailed, as always by Sidney Parker. Lady Bainbridge’s Butler Ketteridge, announced them with full ceremony. Eliza smiled like the cat who got the cream. Sidney’s expression was fixed, as he gazed into the middle distance. For a moment Lady Bainbridge appraised them both. Eliza, an undoubtedly beautiful, elegant and painfully fashionable young woman, was looking around the room with excitement and anticipation. Looking for approval and acceptance among the gathering. Endlessly seeking. She was a visibly anxious presence, entirely ignoring the proximity or comfort of her companion. However, what was most striking about her, was a complete absence of any discernible warmth. Sidney Parker, in contrast, was intriguing. He was unquestionably one of the most handsome creatures Lady Bainbridge had ever beheld. Tall. She estimated somewhere close to six feet. Broad shoulders, slender of waist...and such a face. The dark eyes, the cheekbones, the jawline. The coquettish young woman still deep within her, fully understood how young Miss Heywood could be entirely swept off her feet. Indeed the task would surely be in resisting such a man. For any woman drawn by beauty and physical perfection, this would indeed be the greatest prize. “He is a fine, handsome fellow is he not May?” “He is as fine as ever was seen. She appears all too aware of her own merits however.” “Such as they are.” “It would appear that the time has come for me to discover them.” May gave a knowing smile to Susan and like a stately galleon, made her slow progress towards the couple.

Eliza physically braced herself as Lady Bainbridge approached. She lifted her chin, straightened her shoulders and affixed her customary polite smile. Not too eager, never too “desperate”. She told herself she was not a supplicant after all but an equal. Sidney made eye contact with Susan, who offered an encouraging smile, which he returned with a nod of acknowledgment. “Mrs Campion, Mr Parker, well met. You are most welcome. My congratulations on your betrothal. My dear Lady Worcester has informed me that society is to anticipate quite the event.” Eliza was swift in her reply, “Well met my Lady. Sidney and I were delighted to receive your kind invitation. Indeed, we are most fatigued from our preparations for the happy day. Are we not Sidney?” His reply was as monotone as it was telling, “Positively exhausted.” Eliza’s expression soured. May on the other hand stifled a laugh. His was caustic wit. She liked that. “I understand you are a man of affairs Mr Parker.” Sidney opened his mouth to respond but Eliza intervened, as was her habit, “He is my Lady. Sidney owns a large warehouse here in London and has extensive interests in the West Indies.” Attempting once again to draw him in to the conversation, May proceeded, “I hear you spent some time in Antigua Mr Parker?” Once again, it was Eliza who responded, “He did, in his youth. Like most young men, he was somewhat rudderless for a time. He required discipline and focus. In some respects he still does.” Eliza gave an awkward laugh. Her attempt at “humour” fell flat in the face of the evident discomfort of her betrothed. “Sidney needed some time away from his family commitments to make his fortune. It proved to be a most advantageous decision.” May was profoundly disconcerted by this odd young woman. So earnestly extolling her false narrative. Demeaning and diminishing this fine fellow. Trampling the man she allegedly loved, into the dust, simply to appear superior to a total stranger. He, on the other hand looked completely, drained. It was a tragic sight. She had had quite enough, “Really, Mrs Campion. I had heard that Mr Parker had other motivations for seeking his adventures abroad.” She had finally succeeded in silencing Eliza. Equally, she had awoken Sidney. At last he found his voice and in his deep timbre said, “You are quite correct my Lady. I was most grateful for the opportunity to escape England at the time. I found myself partaking in some rather foolish, self-indulgent behaviour. Which, with the benefit of hindsight and experience, I deeply regret.” His betrothed watched him with thinly disguised contempt. 

“Well, what is youth for if not to make our fair share of mistakes. If we are fortunate, we emerge all the wiser for it...and determined not to make them again.” May looked intently at Sidney as she spoke. He suddenly realised that Lady Bainbridge had been taken into Susan’s confidence. If he felt momentarily disconcerted by the thought, it was edged with intense relief that pretence was no longer required. “I hope I can find a way to ensure that my future actions can make amends for the errors of my past.” “I am a great believer Mr Parker, that we must always strive to rewrite such history as we find disagreeable.” Sidney’s expression shifted to one of shock tinged with confusion and the pain and pleasure of the surfacing of a familiar, long cherished memory. He seemed momentarily haunted. “Mr Parker? Are you well?” “Erm, yes. Yes indeed my Lady. Your remark was uncanny. It reminded me of some wisdom I once received...Forgive me.” “Perhaps a little wine for Mr Parker, Ketteridge. I had rather feared you might be sickening for something. A cold perhaps.” May looked pointedly at Eliza. “I thought when you first arrived, you had quite lost your voice Sir.” Sidney stifled a smile. Eliza squirmed. “Sidney is blessed with a strong constitution Lady Bainbridge. I can’t always vouch for his manners.” Dear God, she treated him like a recalcitrant child. “Really Mrs Campion? I find his manners quite charming. I have no doubt they will be enhanced by greater acquaintance and more varied company. Mr Parker, perhaps you might accompany this old dowager in to Luncheon?” “I should be honoured my Lady”. “Well then. Let us process. It has been a very long time since I have been on the arm of such a fine young man. I believe I shall be the envy of the room.” Sidney presented his arm with a warm smile and they made their way towards the dining room. Eliza was momentarily abandoned and she could not help but consider the ease with which Sidney had simply left her behind.

The luncheon was lively. Sidney was delighted to see the Babington’s take their seats. He had been distracted by his own thoughts and had missed them upon his arrival. He found himself seated next to Lady Bainbridge at the head of the table, with Esther Babington to his left and his old friend directly across from him. May was a delightful hostess. Her observations about the Beau Monde had all three of them laughing long and loud, so much so that it caught the attention of the other guests. It seemed that May had an opinion on every subject and a willingness to share them liberally. Not for the first time that day, or indeed any given day, Sidney found his thoughts drifting to Charlotte. Oh how she would love this. How she would laugh. That beautiful sound. That magical smile. How blissfully happy he would be if she were by his side. The very thought brought the most acute pain to his chest, so sharp he momentarily closed his eyes and drew in a long breath. It was noted by those around him. “Mr Parker. You have that look again.” “What look is that my Lady?” “A look of distraction and contemplation I believe. It quite alters your countenance. To what does it attend? If you feel able to share it.” Esther and Babington exchanged knowing glances. “I was merely recollecting someone whom I know would have relished your company. I feel certain you would also have enjoyed theirs.” “Oh. Now you cannot tease me so. You must elaborate Mr Parker. I always enjoy meeting new people. Particularly young people. I find such company always enlivens my spirits and challenges my perspectives. One should never be too old to learn new things.” “No indeed ma’am. I speak of someone from my past.” “Someone you held dear perhaps?” Sidney contemplated the wisdom of answering the question. Sensing his discomfort Babington spoke, “Someone we all held very dear my Lady.” Sidney gave him a look of thanks. “This person sounds intriguing. Perhaps I shall have the pleasure one day. Are they from Sanditon?” Esther answered, “They visited Sanditon last summer ma’am.” May knew exactly to whom they were referring but decided to sport no further for now, with Mr Parker and his friends. “Everyone is talking about Sanditon these days. I feel I must pay a visit. Now that you have promised me the prospect of engaging company, I must have my share in it! What say you Susan!” Lady Susan turned from her pleasant if dull conversation with Lord Stockley, to respond, “What matter are you discussing May?” “Sanditon dear girl!” Eliza flashed an angry look at Sidney. “I was just saying to these delightful young creatures that I must pay a visit. What do you say!” “Why, I say that sounds like a splendid plan. Indeed I may be able to provide the perfect opportunity.” “How so?” Susan was enjoying this. May could always be relied upon to assist with the execution of a successful scheme, “I have a very dear friend whose sister will marry in the Spring. They are to visit Sanditon ahead of the wedding. I wanted to offer my congratulations and help them to celebrate. I could think of nothing more wonderful than a Spring Ball in the Sanditon Assembly Rooms, followed a picnic on the beach the next day. Think of it May. You could indulge in a spot of sea bathing.” The guests enjoyed a gentle laugh. All but Eliza who was rapidly sensing the emergence of a plot. “Sea bathing indeed. Me, in one of those bathing contraptions?!” Babington commented, “My Lady Sanditon has some of the finest machines on the south coast and my understanding is that a number of new, machines have recently been acquired. The most luxurious to be seen.” Dropping a piece of cold chicken on to the Persian rug for her little Maltese, May smiled, “Luxury bathing machines. Well I never. I suppose one should try something new as often as possible in this life. Very well then. You have persuaded me. I am firmly decided. I am for Sanditon in the spring!” There was laughter and a smattering of friendly applause. Lady Susan looked at her friend conspiratorially, “Excellent May. I believe you will find it as diverting as I do.” “I have but one proviso, that we might be joined in our merry party by Mr Parker and Lord and Lady Babington. You know the town well and will afford us all excellent guides. Mrs Campion, of course, you must come too.” Eliza responded, “Quite impossible!” There was an audible intake of breath from the guests. An invitation extended by Lady Bainbridge was not rejected lightly, or so bluntly and was in fact, seldom rejected at all. Sidney spoke, “Eliza. Lady Worcester and Lady Bainbridge have been most kind in extending their patronage to Sanditon. On behalf of the Parker family, we would be delighted to host you Lady Bainbridge and of course, to welcome your return Lady Worcester. It would be an honour.” “Sidney, we will be finalising our wedding plans.” Sidney’s tone indicated his increasing anger, “I am certain there is nothing of such importance that it cannot be addressed upon our return.” May was delighted to see him assert himself, “The matter is settled then.” She raised her glass in a toast, “To Sanditon, to sea bathing, to new friends and to the renewed pleasure of being near to those we hold dear.” As she raised her glass May looked at Sidney. Babington observed that for the first time in months, his smile reached his eyes. 

Eliza left Cadogan Square in a fury. Stepping in to her carriage, when Sidney attempted to follow, she reached for the door, “I have an appointment at my modeste. Make your own way back to Bedford Place. I shall receive you in the morning. Not before.” With that, she slammed the door before the coachman had an opportunity to do it for her. Sidney noticed his slight look of surprise as he walked to the front of the carriage. When he was situated Eliza’s shrill voice snapped, “Drive on!” The Babingtons and Lady Susan witnessed the exchange. Babbers patted his friend on the back, “Take courage old friend. This too shall pass.” Susan offered him a kind, indulgent smile, “Sidney, you must travel back with me.” “I would not wish to inconvenience you Susan.” “Hush. I believe we have much to discuss concerning my forthcoming visit to Sanditon. I intend that it will be a most memorable event.” “If my family and I can assist in any way.” “Sidney, I believe that your presence will be absolutely essential to the outcome.” Saying farewell to Lord and Lady Babington, Susan took Sidney’s arm and led him to her carriage, “Yes indeed. That was a fine afternoon’s work. Wouldn’t you agree?” Sidney was in awe of her. After a moments contemplation she continued, “Our plans are progressing nicely. Very nicely indeed.”

Willingden

Meanwhile in Willingden Charlotte Heywood had just received a box. Inside it was another. This one lacquered, with an elaborate floral design. Inside it were sea shells. A multitude of them and there, on top, was a single pink flower. It was exquisite. “It’s a Camellia,” observed her sister Alison who had joined her in their room to unwrap the item. “How beautiful. I must get my book,” she added, hastening to her bedside table. “What book?” Charlotte was utterly bewildered by this unexpected, anonymous gift and was still rifling through the outer box in the hope of finding an explanatory note. “My book on the language of flowers.” “The language of flowers!?” “Yes. What they mean when someone sends them”. “Oh Alison, really!” “Don’t tease me! I bought it for the wedding. Let me see...pink Camellia...pink Camellia...THERE it is!...Oh Charlotte.” Alison placed her hand across her heart. “What!? What is it?” “It symbolises a longing for someone. That someone is missed.” Charlotte looked at her sister in astonishment and confusion. No. Surely not. It couldn’t be...there was no possible way...and yet.....


	6. A Secret Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The soul has no secret that the behaviour does not reveal.” - Lao Tzu

Charlotte could scarce believe that she was once more in Tom Parker’s carriage, en route to Sanditon. The thought filled her with such conflicting emotions. The pleasurable prospect of renewed acquaintance with dear friends, mixed inexorably with the endless pain of absence, loss and regret. However, principle among her feelings, was that of fear. Fear of the ghosts of yesterday and the spectre of what tomorrow might bring. It was all so familiar and yet so very new. Part of her began to wish that she had refused this invitation. Another part condemned such sentiments as cowardly. She was anything but a coward. Once again, the smiling, waving figures of her family members faded into the distance as the carriage made its way down the drive and off through the village, until Willingden was left far behind. The only change was that, this time, Alison was by her side. Her sister was smiling eagerly, resplendent in her pretty new green Spencer and bonnet. All the while, twisting her gloves in her hand in an unconscious gesture which betrayed her excitement, anticipation and no small amount of trepidation. Oh how she longed to be that girl again. To feel the excitement of such infinite possibilities. To know little of the cruelties of the world beyond her cosseted village existence.

Her father had offered her little advice this time. Perhaps the knowledge that her betrothed sister would accompany her had made him feel less anxious. Perhaps it was his mistaken belief that she had successfully navigated the potential hazards of this peculiar seaside town once before. Little did he know that far from being unscathed by the experience, she had been left with wounds so deep that they continued to bleed. Not as profusely as they did on their infliction but with a steady drip that still left her emotionally drained. It was undoubtedly for the best that he remained ignorant of the particulars. Besides, both her parents had been occupied on their departure, with pacifying the young lovers. Alison had wept as she’d left her fiancé Freddie, which in turn made him anxious and distressed. Lieutenant Frederick James Carter to give him his full name and title, was not prone to bouts of anxiety as a general rule. Cavalry officer and second son of a Squire from the neighbouring village of Pendlebury, he was lively and engaging, as fine a fellow as ever there was and utterly devoted to Alison. The feeling was entirely mutual and had been since they’d first met, at a village fete when they were just ten years old. They were destined for each other. It had all been so simple for them. No arguments, no anger or conflicting emotions, no fire and fury. No past loves and impossible choices. For Alison and Freddie, love had been a primrose path. So unlike her own vale of tears. 

They left Willingden in gentle, warming spring sunlight. They arrived on the outskirts of Sanditon the following day, in the grey gloom of April showers. Alison had pressed her face to the carriage window as they rode along the cliff tops. She was in awe, just as Charlotte had once been. “Oh Charlotte look! Isn’t it just beautiful?!”

Charlotte was deep in wistful contemplation. It was not far from this very spot that they had said their last goodbyes. That all hope had finally been lost. That her heart had been broken beyond repair. Yet despite her sorrow, she was an unselfish creature and the idea of diminishing her sister’s evident joy in any way, was unacceptable to her. She schooled her features into a look approximating enthusiasm and began to point out the sights to be seen. The bathing machines, the sand dunes, the coves. That thought had given her another moments pause before she launched into rhapsodies about the beautiful shells to be found there and the sea breezes and the long walks and the peaceful splendour of it all. Alison looked at her sister quizzically and suddenly sat back, “There is undoubtedly much to see Charlotte and much to know about Sanditon. I look forward to discovering it’s pleasures. However, you forget that I’ve already seen the beauty of the sea shells from the kind gift you received from a mysterious benefactor. I know that someone here or hereabouts still holds you dear. Dear enough to take such trouble and show such delicacy of feeling. You also forget that I know you as I know my own flesh. I am certain that something most profound is troubling you and I have long suspected that it has occupied your thoughts for some time. Is that what makes you so distant at times, so sullen of late, so mournful Charlotte? Is it the thought of seeing someone, once again. Or perhaps of revisiting the past? Is that why you seem so distracted?

She should have known that her sister would uncover her secret. She had never been able to conceal anything from her. Indeed, she had been astonished that she had managed to do so for so long. Upon her first return to Willingden she had told her sister that her pale skin and dark, reddened eyes were the result of a tiring journey. Her dull spirits in the ensuing weeks and months were merely a manifestation of the strain of readjusting to village life. The line in her letter about having exciting news to share was simply her role as Maid of Honour at the wedding of a Lord. So many lies and half truths from such an honest soul. Now she knew, she hadn’t fooled her at all. It was, as ever, impossible to attempt to fool herself. After a long moment of silence, Alison spoke again, “I had thought for a time it might be the Foreman, Mr Stringer. You spoke of him often and with great warmth, on your return. Then it occurred to me, you would not speak so freely of one you loved. You would hold him in your heart for you alone. Oh my dear sister. You must know that I would never share your sorrows with anyone. Not unless you expressly wished it. I would never betray your confidence.”

“I know that to be true Alison. I could never think that you would. I did not deny you my confidence through lack of trust but through...the agony of the telling. I could not bring myself to speak of it and yet it lies within me. I cannot free myself from it.”

“Have you considered that perhaps you are not meant to? Free yourself I mean.”

“I must. I must find a way, for it is a hopeless attachment. It ever was and yet I could not escape it. He belongs to another now. I am not sure that he ever truly belonged to me. It was all at an end before it even began.”

“Who is he Charlotte?”

She fought for a moment against every effort to resist uttering his name. Making him real once again. Sharing this incalculable burden, this loss. But it was futile. “His name is Mr Sidney Parker. He is the younger brother of Mr Tom Parker with whom we are staying in Sanditon.”

Alison reflected in silence for a moment before she spoke, “You mentioned him once or twice in your letters. I seem to recall that you found him somewhat disagreeable.” Charlotte let out an laugh borne of the ridiculous irony of it all, “Yes. Indeed I did...for a time.”

“He obviously improved upon closer acquaintance. I recall that you said he was most diligent in assisting his brother during their crisis. Isn’t love peculiar!? That you might believe someone to be dreadful one moment and delightful the next! How cruel our emotions can be. Do you wish to tell me more of what transpired, or would you prefer that we simply observe the scenery for now?”

“I think perhaps it is best if you know. At least as much as I can bear to tell. It may make this next fortnight easier on us both. Before I begin, I want you to know that I wish more than anything for you to come to adore Sanditon as I did. It is the most extraordinary place. I want you to take every opportunity of enjoying yourself and not for one moment to think that I am downhearted, or begrudging, or reluctant to share in it with you. Please understand that.”

“My dear sister. I could never think for one second that you would endeavour to make me unhappy. Our bond is one of the greatest joys of my life. I missed you most dreadfully while you were away during the summer and longed for your return but like you, I only ever wanted your happiness...in all things. My only concern is that this visit might cause you great sadness and I would never wish that upon you. Though Sanditon is close by now, if you wish it, I will instruct the coachman to cease our progress and turn around and we will return to Willingden at once. I would readily settle for my little adventure to date, rather than cause you any unnecessary pain.” 

Charlotte reached across the carriage and embraced her sister. “Alison, you are indeed the very best sister any girl could wish for. Indeed we will not retreat. We will proceed and I will tell you my sorry tale.” She took a deep breath and then began, “I should preface my recollections by saying that I do not wish you to think ill of Sidney, though I know this narrative may make you question his character. He is a profoundly good man. I did not always regard him as such but I do now and I always will. I first saw him in a portrait in the hall at Trafalgar House. No doubt it is still hanging there. It didn’t do him justice, for he is truly, the handsomest man I ever beheld. I never believed that a man could be beautiful but to my eyes, he is. He is perplexing and fascinating and infuriating and joyous. He is perfect imperfection. We had an unfortunate first meeting not far from here. I was walking with Tom’s wife Mary. We were for Sanditon House, to take tea with Lady Denham. I have no doubt you will meet her soon and as a keen observer of human frailty, I think you will be greatly entertained. He thought I was the maid.”

“He thought you were the maid?! How very rude!”

Charlotte laughed,”He was definitely abrupt and careless of my feelings. Indeed he had little regard for them then and had no hesitation in telling me so. Do not look so appalled. I too was less than discrete in giving my ill-informed opinions about his family. They appeared strange and eccentric to my inexperienced eyes and I was indelicate and presumptuous about them. Consider for a moment, the wisdom of sketching the characters of people you barely knew, then relating them to one who loved them dearly...and he does so love his family. For a time, we could barely speak to each other without insult and offence. Every time we met, whether at a ball or a luncheon, we parried with each other. I have never met anyone who inspired such anger in me and yet I so desperately wanted to understand him and to be understood by him. I craved his good opinion and I knew not why. 

In time, I came to befriend his ward Georgiana. I hope very much that you will have an opportunity to meet her while in Sanditon. You recall I told you about her. She is an heiress from Antigua. She has been exposed to such cruelty and disrespect from strangers and all because of the colour of her skin. It is truly dreadful, heartless and ridiculous! Sometimes I do not understand my fellow human beings. Sidney and Georgiana are not on the best of terms sadly. She had fallen in love with a gentleman named Otis Molyneux. Otis had accrued gambling debts, unbeknownst to Georgiana. He had foolishly invoked her name in the presence of his creditors. He had spoken of marriage. They had anticipated that her money would discharge his debts. Sidney was understandably fearful that his ward would become pray to a fortune hunter and had removed Georgiana from London to Sanditon for her protection. Alas, my general prejudice against him led me to believe her narrative, that Sidney was opposed to Otis on the basis of the colour of his skin and was determined to keep the lovers apart purely through his own prejudice and malice. It wasn’t true. Yes he had earned much of his fortune from the sugar trade in Antigua, with its reliance on the use of slave labour but he had renounced the trade for that very reason. He despises slavery and the profits gained from it and had returned to England to pursue other means of earning his living. It was only after I made a most dreadful mistake and tried to assist Georgiana and Otis to arrange a tryst, that I discovered the truth. In acting as a go between for them, I placed Georgiana in grave danger from unscrupulous men. I won’t detail the particulars but it necessitated my journeying to London to attempt to retrieve her, a desperate chase towards Scotland, to avoid a forced marriage and the most extraordinary bravery, kindness and generosity on Sidney’s part. Thankfully she was saved. 

It was during this time, that I came to see who Sidney really was. He is a deeply loving soul. He feels things most acutely, though conceals it well. He cares greatly for his family and indeed I believe, for Georgiana. Though she has yet to acknowledge his merits. I confess that as we grew more familiar with each other and allowed ourselves to accept that our initial impressions may have been wrong...I fell in love with him and I do believe Alison that he felt something for me.”

Alison who had been listening attentively, questioned, “Something? You believe he felt something?”

“Yes. He never really told me exactly how he felt. He intimated it. His actions and words spoke of affection and regard but I don’t flatter myself that his feelings were equal to my own. Though, I came to hope that perhaps we might find happiness together.”

“Charlotte. Did you believe he would make an offer to you?”

“Yes. On the night of the Sanditon Midsummer Ball. He began to speak so tenderly to me...then all was lost. We were interrupted in our conversation. There was an altercation, then a dreadful fire. Poor Mr Stringer’s father lost his life. Properties were damaged in the town. They were newly constructed and uninsured.”

“Who would be so foolish as to....?”

“I fear it was the folly of our host. Sidney’s brother Tom Parker. He is in many ways an extraordinary man. A man of vision and enthusiasm but alas not blessed with probity and judgement. The resulting debt was beyond your wildest imaginings. The family was ruined. Lady Denham is Sanditon’s principle investor. She had lost a great deal of money as a result of Tom’s senseless risk taking. She threatened him with debtors prison. For such a sum as he owed, he would never be a free man again. Mary and the children would have suffered greatly. The family name would have been disgraced.”

“What did he do?”

“Tom did nothing. Nothing but fret. It was Sidney who acted. He went to London to seek funds. We parted with his pledge to resume our conversation on his return.”

“I assume he succeeded in his mission?”

Charlotte’s face fell. This was the part of the story she found most difficult to recollect and to impart. “To understand what transpired, you should know, that Sidney was once greatly injured by an earlier love. I came to know her name. Mrs Eliza Campion. It has haunted me since. She has haunted me since. They had been engaged many years ago, in their youth. At the last, she had thrown him over for an older, wealthier man. He was heartbroken and set out on a self-destructive path. Tom saved him by paying off his debts and purchasing his passage to Antigua to rebuild his life. When I first encountered Mrs Campion at a ball in London, she had recently been widowed. It was clear to me that she still held some sway over him and that she desired to revive their prior affections. I suppose that was to be expected given their past. I must confess to you Alison, though you know I am not predisposed to disliking people in general, I find her most disagreeable. She is cold and cruel, particularly to me.”

“She sees a rival in you, that is why. She identifies a threat.”

Charlotte was once again reflective, “A friend once made a similar observation. I was no threat to her. A farmer’s daughter of no wealth and little standing in society, who reads books and can recite Heraclitus. What is that to a fine lady of fashion and influence, with wealth enough for a dozen lifetimes?”

“That very much depends upon the feelings of Mr Sidney Parker. All of her status and fortune is as nothing to the demands of his heart.”

“His heart could not discharge his brother’s debts...”

Slowly, the reality of the situation dawned upon Alison. Her expression became one of deep distress, “Oh Charlotte...no. Please tell me he did not...”

“He returned from London engaged to Mrs Campion. He said he was obliged to do so. He begged me to understand that there had been no other way.”

“Nonsense! There had to have been! He acted to you as she once did to him!”

Charlotte knew that her sister’s anger was borne of her affection for her but her desire to defend him was almost overwhelming. She raised her voice and cried out, “ENOUGH! PLEASE! DO NOT SAY SUCH A THING! THERE WASN’T!...forgive me...I should not speak to you in such a way but you must believe me. There was nothing else he could do! He would not have acted so cruelly had he been able to find another solution, I know it! I know him. People are so willing to see him as an unfeeling creature. He is not Alison! It is a facade. A means of protection. It is not that he cannot love, it is that he loves too much! He is not selfish but selfless. He could not bear to see his family ruined. We could not build our happiness on such foundations.”

“...and so he broke your heart? He sacrificed your love?”

“He did what had to be done...he doesn’t love her.”

“He told you that?”

“Yes.”

“You do not think there is also some cruelty in subjecting her to such a fate?”

“I hope he will overcome his feelings. I hope he will forget what we once were, for such a brief, perfect moment in time. I hope he will find a way to love her again.”

“How can you be so sanguine? Do you really believe there is a possibility that he will?”

“I have to believe it Alison. I love him so very dearly and my loss is so great, that I must content myself with the belief that it was not all in vain. I do not care to think of him unhappy, trapped, miserable and pining. I would not wish such a fate upon him. I hope he will love and be loved. He will forget me and that is as it should be...”

“Charlotte...”

“Please Alison. Let’s us speak no more of it for now...please....Look, we are entering the town!”

Alison looked out of the carriage windows at the passing buildings. An odd amalgam of the old and the new, the rich and the poor, pretentiousness and stark reality. The thin glass was now spotted with raindrops. She watched as one trickled slowly down before her eyes, like a teardrop. So this was Sanditon? The carriage finally came to a halt outside one of the grander premises she’d seen. Standing in the doorway was an elegant, fair haired lady, with a gentle, almost wistful smile. She was surrounded by small children, all eager to escape her grasp. As one, they chorused “CHARLOTTE!!” Her sister’s face broke into the broad beaming smile she so loved and had witnessed so infrequently of late. She was soon enveloped in a chaotic embrace. This was Mary Parker, wife of the mercurial Tom. Mary hugged Charlotte, almost with an air of desperation and shed a tear. She seem oddly regretful, apologetic but kind and more than a little forlorn. It seemed that the past held uncomfortable memories for her too. Mary greeted Alison with warmth and offered her congratulations on her impending nuptials. She was solicitous for their well-being after such a long journey and anxious to get them inside by the fire and out of the rain and chill breeze. Alison could already smell the salty sea air in her nostrils. They made their way into Trafalgar House. It was a manifestation of ostentation, which seemed to Alison, strangely incongruous in it’s small town setting. She scanned the hallway, taking in her surroundings as the children pulled Charlotte in several different directions at once, while Mary endeavoured to rescue her and calm them down. Then she saw it. The portrait. It was a handsome face but she had not seen the original. It seemed now that she never would. Perhaps it was for the best. Charlotte looked towards it momentarily. Then looked away, as though dazzled by the light of the sun. She never returned her gaze.

After introducing the children to Alison and promising them they would get better acquainted after tea, Mary led the sisters to their rooms. Charlotte found herself once again in the bed chamber she knew all too well. While Mary took Alison to a nearby guest room. She looked out at the familiar view and at the hotel just across the way. The place where her love had once lain his head. Just as her thoughts turned mournful once again and her heart began to ache, her sister’s voice broke her from her reverie. “My! This is all very grand! I don’t know if I can bring myself to disturb my bedsheets! They are silk Charlotte!” 

“Indeed they are. Mary is such a kind hostess.”

“She is. I can see why you became so fond of her. Do you know, she even placed fresh flowers in my room. Pink Tulips no less.”

Charlotte smiled, “You are about to tell me what they mean, no doubt”.

Alison replied smugly, “Why yes I am and I will brook no cynicism.”

“Very well. Tell me.”

“They mean a joyous event. Don’t you see. They are to celebrate my forthcoming wedding. How very generous and solicitous she is....oh look. There are flowers by your bedside too. Charlotte looked into the corner of the room to a large glass bowl filled with little purple flowers. She moved towards them. For a moment she contemplated the sight, before turning back towards her sister, still standing in the doorway.

“Well? What are they?”

.....

“What are they Charlotte!”

“....they’re Forget Me Nots.”

The two sisters looked at each other for a long moment before Mary’s approaching voice was heard in the hall. “I hope you’ll both come down for tea when you’ve settled in. I also hope you’ve found your flowers. I must confess, I haven’t had a chance to see them myself. Our new maid Sally was instructed to fetch them by Sidney. That’s Tom’s younger brother, Alison. He is sadly in London at present but was most anxious to welcome you both and to extend his very best wishes for a most enjoyable stay.” Alison smiled, while Mary searched Charlotte’s face for any sign of distress. She was afforded no opportunity to discern it, as Charlotte’s eyes remained cast downward from the moment his name was mentioned, as though suddenly fascinated by the grain of the wood on the bedroom floor. It was Alison who replied, “Mr Sidney Parker is very thoughtful Mrs Parker. We are very grateful.”

“Mary please..”

“Mary. I shall write a note to thank him for his gift. On behalf of us both. They are indeed, such very pretty flowers. He is too good to take such trouble.”

In that moment Mary casually looked across the room and suddenly saw the bowl of Forget Me Nots. Her smile disappeared and turned instantly to an expression of concern. Finally, Charlotte lifted her gaze towards her and Mary beheld her expressive dark eyes, filled to the brim with unshed tears. Her first thought was, “Oh Sidney. What are you doing?


	7. Past Imperfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How can a man begin to make amends until he’s willing to face his own faults.” - Sidney Parker

On reflection, he thought, perhaps the Forget-Me-Nots had been a step too far but his desperate need to find some way to communicate with her, to let her know that she remained his heart’s only desire, had completely overwhelmed him. He knew he was being selfish. That she must be so confused by his actions. Oh, if she was in half as much pain as he...but no. He would not think on it. He could not bear it. In any case, it would not be long now. They were for Sanditon in ten days time. Lady Susan’s plans were in place. He trusted her implicitly and yet he felt like a mere pawn in the game of his own life. Then again his beloved Charlotte was unaware that play had even commenced. 

Since Lady Bainbridge’s luncheon, Eliza had been even more terse, hostile and distant than before. It was not a development which surprised him, nor was it one that he lamented to any significant extent. If he felt some degree of shame that he continued to savour every moment they were apart, he could not locate the sentiment. Instead, he used the precious time to continue replenishing his diminished spirits, to consolidate his friendships and to endeavour to forge a relationship with Georgiana. He had begun that effort during his last estrangement from his domineering betrothed and during this current brief respite, had continued to try to find common ground. They had talked a great deal of Antigua and of her late lamented father. They spoke of her mother, of the unconscionable cruelty of slavery, of the love and passion her parents had shared. They had tentatively discussed Otis. To Georgiana’s surprise Sidney had kept in touch with him. They found themselves broaching the subject over tea, in the drawing room at Bedford Place. In addition to paying off his debts, it transpired that Sidney had assisted Otis to obtain a commission in the Navy. He appeared to be doing well and would soon return to England. Sidney informed her that he had a vacancy at his London warehouse, for an overseer. He intended to approach him with an offer. He gauged her response. At first she contemplated the thought silently, then responded, “You should do as you feel best.”

He was somewhat surprised that she appeared quite so sanguine, “Would my employing Mr Molyneux cause you any distress?”

“Would my distress be of any real concern to you?”

Sidney sighed, “Of course it would Georgiana. I would take no pleasure in your pain. I never did. I am not the monster you believe me to be. I only ever sought to protect you. To do as your father wished. To introduce you to polite society as a lady and to afford you every advantage, dignity and respect that entails. You did not realise the dangers you faced. To my eternal shame, I have been neglectful in my duty to you. Had it not been for my selfish disregard and abdication of my responsibilities, you would not have been exposed to that dissolute Howard. I wished to prevent you from falling prey to men like him. To the greed and brutality of fortune hunters.”

“Men like you, you mean. Do not flatter yourself. You are not so very different from the beast you condemn.”

Sidney had been placing his tea cup on the saucer. He was so startled by her reply that he misjudged the distance and the resulting clatter of china, startled them both. “You have a cruel tongue Georgiana. What do you mean by such a remark?”

“You know exactly what I mean. You are marrying the ghastly widow Campion for her money. Are you not?”

He could not deny the veracity of her statement but it’s frankness disconcerted him, “Georgiana...”

“You do not love her do you? I am not sure that any warm blooded man could...”

“Do not speak like that!”

“Why? Do I speak in error? With love there is passion and desire is there not? Or at least, there should be. She has ice water in her veins.”

Sidney’s embarrassment was evident, “This is not a ladylike conversation Georgiana!”

“Well yours is not “gentleman-like” behaviour Sidney Parker.”

He blanched, “To what exactly do you refer?”

“Do not feign ignorance. It does not suit your character. You led Charlotte to believe that you loved her. She adored you. I could see it. For God’s sake, a fool could see it. I begged her not to fall in love with you. I knew what you would do to her. I knew that you would ruin her happiness. She is innocent of the evil men like you can do. She is one of the kindest, most generous souls I have ever met. She offered me friendship while others offered me scorn. You destroyed her. I will never forgive you for that. I remember her urging me to consider that I had misjudged you. That you had a tenderness which few people saw. Such is the soul you tore apart.”

Sidney’s heart was aching as she continued, “Look what you did! For money! You are all the same. Ruthless, mercenary, heartless.”

He could hear no more. He raised his voice as he interrupted her, “You know NOTHING of my feelings for Charlotte! You PRESUME too much! You do not know why I acted as I did!”

“So TELL ME! What justification could there be for your actions!?”

Sidney stood and took several calming breaths as he moved towards the window. His back was to Georgiana as he spoke. “You think this was my choice? That I could ever have aspired to this pathetic existence? You were there the night of the fire and you witnessed the aftermath. You know of my brother’s misjudgment and the debt that resulted. You do not know of the extent. It was grave. Very grave indeed. Beyond retrieval. Lady Denham intended to see him imprisoned for it. You may imagine the consequences for Mary, for my nieces and nephews, for my brother and sister...for my family name.”

“So you sold yourself to her for her purse? You prostituted your love?

He suddenly turned back towards her. Shocked by her use of the term. “I sought to save my family. There is no love. There was none to sell. My heart is not my own to barter. It belongs to another. It always will. I had no choice but to act as I did. There was no other way to satisfy the debt. No other way to prevent my family’s ruination but to partake in my own.”

“And to inflict it upon another. You ruined Charlotte’s happiness. You broke her heart. That was a price worth paying?! What kind of man are you?”

He turned away from her once more, “One who grievously misjudged. One who thought it was merely my own heart that I was breaking. Such agony I could endure. I had done so before. I think...perhaps I did not flatter myself that she could feel so deeply for me as I did for her...as I do for her. Then when I told her....” Sidney closed his eyes, wishing the images away. “I knew in that moment, that I had hurt her beyond comprehension. I knew what I had done. I knew absolutely, that she loved me as I loved her. That I would never know happiness again, as long as I lived and that I would deserve my fate for forcing her to walk the same path on which I had once been broken.” 

“She did not deserve that which you imposed upon her.”

“No. She did not. Saying my final goodbye to her, was the hardest thing I have ever done. I believed that I had known what it was to have my heart broken but I did not. Not until I watched Tom’s carriage take her away from me. I watched it until it was out of sight. Then I wept like a child. You cannot imagine such a thing can you? You believe me devoid of all human emotion.” Suddenly he remembered a phrase which brought to mind yet another glimpse of the past, “You would not be the first person to think me insensible of feeling...It would not be the first time that I wished I were.”

“You know what you have done to Charlotte. But do you not also see what you have done to yourself? You have been rendered little more than a slave to that woman. Once you are wed, you will never be free of her. She is cruel. I see how she treats you. I know how she treats me but at least I may bide my time to achieve my freedom. You will not have that option. She knows that you are powerless. That you and your family are forever beholden to her. She will exact a heavy price.”

Sidney replied with an air of exhaustion, “She does so already.”

“I know she still intends to send me away.”

“I will not let her Georgiana. I promised you before and I will stand by my pledge.”

“There is nothing you can do. If you would cast off the woman you love with such ease, what chance have I? Charlotte and I both know where your loyalties lie. In the face of your family, your blood, we were neither of us of much value to you.” 

Sidney was silent for some time. When he spoke it was with a tone of voice, barely above a whisper and broken with emotion. One which Georgiana had never heard before. “You speak of loyalty. It seems in this life, I cannot do right for doing wrong. I’ve made so many mistakes. As a young man, I believed myself to be in love with Eliza. I devoted myself to her to the neglect of my family and my studies. My father was dying and I spent little time with him. Instead, I focused on my selfish pleasures. On pleasing the woman that held my happiness, my future, or so I thought. On the pursuit of a dream, an illusion. When he died, I was not by his side but by Eliza’s at a dinner hosted by her Aunt. Tom begged me not to go. He told me the hour was near but I did not listen. When it came to Eliza, I never listened. I refused good sense and caution. In consequence, I never got to say goodbye to him. This good, kind, loving man who adored us all. I never held his hand to comfort him or kissed his forehead. Instead, I looked on as Eliza cultivated her place in society and her family looked at me like the second rate prospect I was. They had other plans for her. She had other plans for herself.

When she turned me over for Campion, I set out to obliterate myself. To lay waste to my life. I almost succeeded. Wine, drugs, gambling and women. I brought shame on my family. On myself. My mother wept over my fate and once again Tom begged me to exercise judgement and draw back from the brink. It took almost dying in a drugged stupor, in a boarding house by the docks to bring me to my senses. Tom paid off my creditors and bought my passage to Antigua. Your father took me under his wing there. He showed me uncommon kindness. Within a twelve month he and your mother had helped me to establish myself and then nursed me through a fever, which once more, almost claimed my life. I stood with him over your mother’s grave, when it took her. I became a man in that time. I saw the worst of the human condition and witnessed the very best. But while informing my character, I believe that my experiences also hardened me to pain, to loss, to suffering. You were right. I did learn to cauterise my heart but not through a lack of feeling but to stop the torture of emotions which threatened to overwhelm me. My mother passed away during my time there. Then your dear father. So much loss. By that time I had had my fill of the sugar trade and the inhumanity of witnessing human beings treated as commodities, to be bought and sold, abused and worked to exhaustion. You know that your father had freed his slaves before his death. He had put his affairs in order and made me pledge on my life that I would take you from there to England. That I would protect you and ensure your every comfort. He wanted his daughter, his only child, to be a lady. He entrusted that task to a twenty five year old man barely able to look after himself. I did not know how to be a guardian to you and to my eternal shame I made no effort to understand my role. I paid lip service to it. I entrusted you to the care of others. I neglected you. I know it is no compensation to you but I am sorry. More sorry than you know. I cannot change my past errors, nor the consequences, only beg that you might allow me to make amends to you. To atone for my mistakes.

Georgiana watched, expressionless as he continued, “As for Charlotte, she was completely unexpected. That rare gift of fate, for which I was ill prepared and wholly unworthy.” Sidney smiled, “After Eliza, I was determined never to feel again let alone love. I first saw her on the cliff tops with Mary. They were for Sanditon House. Tea with Lady Denham. The Sanditon rite of passage. I thought then, as I do now, that she was one of the most beautiful creatures I had ever beheld and I was utterly determined to resist her at all costs. I was rude and dismissive. I was hostile and cold. I was every inch the brute I wished her to believe me to be. Yet she chipped away at me. Every time I looked into those glorious eyes, I slipped further and further from the familiar shore of my anger, resentment and isolation and deeper into the depths of my growing love for her. I believed that I loved Eliza. I had tortured myself with that belief. But I was merely a boy, with a boy’s feelings and emotions. It was a foolish inclination. An addiction, no different from alcohol and opium and every bit as destructive. With Charlotte it was something altogether richer. It felt real. It was exciting and passionate and yet comfortable and safe. Not in a way that rendered it bland or mundane but in the very best way. I could be myself with her. My best self, my truest self.” 

For a moment the recollection of those words disturbed his countenance. “I have never loved anyone, or anything, as I love Charlotte Heywood. I am hers, though she may never be mine. My heart will never stop bleeding for the loss of her. For the pain I subjected her to. I know that my position was impossible. I broke the heart of the greatest love I will ever know. I broke my own worthless heart. Yet I still cannot reflect that I could ever have built my happiness on the destruction of others. She made me see that I could love and be loved. She made me realise my responsibilities in this life. That I could not turn away from them. What kind of man would she have thought me to be if I had? Yet every day, I miss her with every fibre of my being. I crave her like my next breath. I ache for her. I am so very empty and alone without her near. I know I will never be whole again while we are apart.” Sidney lowered his head and struggled to control the tears which threatened to fall.

Suddenly, he felt a hand touch his arm. He looked up to see Georgiana looking intently at him. Her own eyes filled with tears. “Your heart is not worthless Sidney. You should not say that. I think we have both been hurt enough. Let us try not to hurt each other any more.”

“I would like that Georgiana. I would like that very much.”

“You must not surrender to your fate. As Lady Susan is fond of saying, the race is not yet run.”

Sidney smiled, “I am glad you and she have forged a friendship. I know how well she thinks of Charlotte.”

“She has been most kind to me. Do you know, she has suggested that I might stay with her if the widow Campion banishes me.”

“I did not know that. She is very kind. That may yet afford us a solution to that particular issue.”

“Do not think ill of her for raising it with me. I believe she intended to discuss it with you during your stay in Sanditon next week.”

“I do not think ill of her. I would not question her actions. Indeed I believe she is motivated by the very best of intentions. Speaking of which, I would like you to join us in Sanditon for the visit. I’m sure Arthur will be delighted to see you and I know you will enjoy getting reacquainted with Charlotte and of course, meeting her sister Alison.”

“Oh may I, really!? I would adore it Sidney! Truly. But how will you survive it? Seeing Charlotte again. The Gorgon will never let you out of her sight for a moment.”

“Georgiana moderate your language.”

“She is hideous.”

“She is wounded and trapped. In many ways every bit as much as me.”

“Sidney, promise me you will at least try to extricate yourself from this”.

“Georgiana...”

“Promise me! You must take heed of Lady Susan’s advice. There will be a way. There must be a way. Perhaps if Lady Denham could be persuaded to wait until my money...”

Sidney interrupted her, “Eh, not a word on that matter Miss Lambe! Do you hear me!? That money is your inheritance. It is your independence. Your freedom. Your future.”

“And may I not choose to use it as I wish?”

“You may when you are twenty one and not before. I want you to use it wisely.”

“And is my dear friend’s happiness not a wise investment.”

Sidney contemplated the thought that Georgiana now believed that Charlotte’s happiness lay with him. It gave him the first sensation of joy he’d had in months. “It is. But secure it in the way she would want. Through your companionship and society, not through your money. If I’ve learned anything, it is the corrupting influence it inevitably exerts. It is the ruination of good relations. Not it’s foundation.”

“Perhaps a return to Sanditon may at least afford you the chance to make amends to Charlotte. To have your proper parting.”

Sidney thought back to that agonising moment on the cliff tops above the town, “I fear that no parting from her will ever be something I can reconcile with my heart Georgiana but I confess, I would endure anything, bear any burden, for just one more glimpse of her.” 

“You have not yet promised me that you will listen to wise counsel and try to find a way.”

Though he thought it most likely futile, he also sought to comfort her, “I will try Georgiana.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Well, that must be enough. For now.”

The following Wednesday, the journey back to Sanditon, to a past filled with sorrow and to the prospect of an uncertain future, finally began.


	8. Everything Old Is New Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk about revisiting the past  
> I would, a million times  
> Till my memory itself fails me  
> Till my very breath leaves me  
> Coz my past is only where you were  
> And I would do anything to find you again  
> Even if it’s the past
> 
> Rheiweu Kreoh

After being initially disconcerted by the floral arrangement so assiduously chosen for her, Charlotte had resolved to think no more of Sidney Parker. If at first her heart had raced at the thought that he might miss her and wished her to think of him, that sentiment was soon replaced with burgeoning anger. How dare he embark upon a future with another, yet wish her to remain trapped in the past. It was cruel and thoughtless. It was conduct most unbecoming and unworthy of him. Not befitting of a gentleman. How could he wilfully hurt her so? Now appraised of their tragic history, Alison was equally unimpressed by his gesture towards her sister. Her subsequent, required correspondence, expressing their gratitude to him, was polite but sufficiently curt.

Dear Mr Parker,

My sister Charlotte and I, were most grateful for your gift of flowers. They are charming. How thoughtful of you to endeavour to make our arrival in Sanditon so comfortable and welcoming. We understand you will be unable to visit during our stay. We send our salutations to your betrothed.

Sincerely,

Alison Heywood

Charlotte had accompanied Alison the following morning, to post the acknowledgment, while en route to the beach. She watched as it was passed to the Postmaster at the Crowne Hotel. Her conflicting emotions tormented her. Try as she might, as disconcerted as she was, she could not help herself. Her mind began to drift to the thought of this fortunate missive being taken swiftly to where he was, being held in his hands, being looked upon by those eyes that she longed to behold once more. Alison observed her sister’s mournful look. It broke her heart to see her in such abject misery. She knew that the world could be cruel but to wound such a gentle soul so viciously, seemed particularly wicked. She resolved to distract Charlotte as much as possible in the coming days. They would occupy themselves with all the delights of Sanditon. Taking her arm swiftly and with a warm smile, she led her sister outside, into glorious early morning spring sunlight and the gentle bustle of the seaside town, “Come sister! You must show me all there is to see. You are my Sanditon Guide. I am at your disposal.” 

Charlotte smiled at her sisters enthusiasm, “Well. As we are already for the beach and we are blessed with fine weather, let us partake in a little sea bathing, then perhaps a forage for sea sells. Lady Denham has laid on a luncheon for you tomorrow. I suspect it shall be endured rather than enjoyed but nonetheless it is a thoughtful gesture. However, today we are at our leisure. So, I propose tea at Trafalgar House with Mary. Then if the weather holds, we will take a picnic by the river.”

“It all sounds wonderful. Even the prospect of Lady Denham’s interrogation...I mean luncheon.” The two sisters laughed as they proceeded on their way. 

As they arrived on the beach, Charlotte noticed a new construction. An elaborate building overlooking the sea. There was a large sign proclaiming, “Coming Soon - Hargreaves Hotel. The Finest Accommodations on the South Coast”. Tom had mentioned the new project over dinner, the evening before. It was every bit as elaborate as he’d suggested. The proprietor, surveying the scene and loudly barking orders at his workmen, was equally larger than life. Nicodemus Hargreaves, known as “Nic” to Tom, was a portly, self-made man of five and forty. He’d made a sizeable fortune in “speculative investments” and had recently taken a wife considerably younger than himself, who’d made a living on the London stage. Milly Hargreaves or “Magical Milly” as she was formerly known, was an east-end girl with a pretty face and a voice that could shatter glass. She possessed an aspiration to fashion and a keen eye for the main chance. Their’s was a union of mutual convenience. Nic got a wife of looks and some notoriety, Milly got more blunt than she could decently spend. Although she was making a thoroughly robust effort to do just that. She believed that seaside resorts were the future and the future was hers. Whether it was also her husband’s, she was somewhat less concerned. Standing on the beachfront, resplendent in purple silk, a tiny, bird-like figure beside her husband, Charlotte observed that Milly appeared less interested in the construction than in her old friend Mr Robinson, presently lifting some masonry and looking particularly dashing in the effort. Charlotte concealed a giggle as she and Alison continued on their way. 

To accompany this new hotel, was a stretch of beach which Tom intended to designate as private, for the exclusive use of the Hotel’s patrons. On it, would be the most elaborate and luxurious bathing machines yet seen. At Milly’s insistence they were painted white and gold, with a large “H” for Hargreaves, adorning the sides. They stood in stark contrast to the red machines currently dotted along the beach. They seemed to be twice the size and to Charlotte’s eye, looked odd and incongruous. She and Alison paused once more, to take it all in. 

“It’s simply beautiful.” Alison gasped. “Is it how you remember it Charlotte?” 

Her sister was wistful, “Some things change, some stay exactly the same. The hotel is new, as are those ridiculous things.” She pointed to the Hargreaves bathing machines. “We are thankfully headed for the more humble, sensible facilities.” With that, they set off towards the nearest vacant machine. 

The laughter of the two sisters as they entered the sea, pierced the morning air. Charlotte had long since gained her confidence and despite the encumbrance of the elaborate bathing costume, easily cut through the water, demonstrating the method of swimming to her sister. Alison was somewhat more reticent and still clung tightly to the bathing attendant. However, with her sisters gentle encouragement, she was soon attempting a few strokes between fits of the giggles. Charlotte could happily have stayed there all day. Floating amid the waves and the foam. Freeing her mind of it’s constant turmoil. Revisiting only those memories which gave her joy. However, Alison was tiring from her new pursuit and beginning to feel the chill. They clambered back into the bathing machine and redressed, chatting animatedly as they did so.

“Charlotte, I keep thinking of what Freddie would make of all this. Me, undressing in a bathing machine on a public beach!...and the gentlemen! I could see figures in the water some way from us.” At this point she whispered and blushed, “I don’t think they were wearing any clothes!” Charlotte laughed.

“Oh Alison! I was once exactly like you. No, indeed. The gentlemen do not wear bathing attire. That is why they keep to their own section of the beach.”

“Still Charlotte! It is quite scandalous...one does not know what one might see...”

It was Charlotte’s turn to blush at the recollection that so often occupied her thoughts, “No indeed. One might happen upon the most extraordinary sights.”

Alison knew her sister all too well, “Charlotte Heywood! You saw something didn’t you?! Or rather, someone...”

Charlotte smiled enigmatically, “Perhaps I did...”

“There is no perhaps about it! Was it your Mr Sidney Parker by any chance?”

“He is not my Mr Sidney Parker.”

“Do not obfuscate. You saw him did you not?”

Charlotte sank down on the tiny bench and looked down at the wooden floor, “Yes. Yes I did.”

“Charlotte!”

“Well! You wanted to know! I have given you the truth.”

“Hmm. The truth but not the detail.” Alison smiled.

“Oh, you wish for the particulars of the encounter do you? One minute you are scandalised, the next intrigued! A lady never tells.”

“Oh poppycock! A lady most certainly tells her sister. I told you about Freddie’s kissing technique. The one they like in France...and how he squirms and gets awkward when I sit on his lap, or run my hands too far down his chest...”

“Alright, enough!” I was at the coves not far from here. I had been walking with Georgiana. She was under the supervision of Mrs Griffiths, you’ll see her at Church on Sunday hanging on the Reverend Hankin’s every word. We suspect a fondness there.”

“Never mind the Reverend, get back to the coves!”

“Very well. Mrs Griffiths found Georgiana and I playing in the water. As with most amusing activities, she thoroughly disapproved and removed Georgiana immediately. I remained and walked a little distance collecting shells. I was so busy seeking them out and watching my footing on the sharp rocks, that I quite lost my bearings. When I finally looked up I saw some clothing strewn on a rock and a pair of men’s boots. Before I could comprehend what was happening, he rose, like Poseidon from the waves. Naked.”

“OH DEAR GOD! CHARLOTTE!” Alison covered her mouth with her hands.

“I know! I turned my back immediately...well...almost immediately...”

There was silence for a moment as Charlotte’s mind once again replayed the image and Alison considered how to ask the next question appropriately.

“Did you see very much?...”

Charlotte couldn’t resist teasing her sister, “Define “very much””

“Charlotte!”

“What!? He was naked Alison. I saw everything there was to see!”

“Scandalous!....was he very fine?”

Charlotte laughed. Then her laughter slowly turned to a sad smile as she recalled, “Oh, he was perfection Alison. He was beyond anything my imagination could conjure. He was nature and beauty personified. If I had not loathed him at the time, I would have given him my heart then and there. I would have fallen at his feet.”

Alison felt once again, the acute injustice of so much love in vain. She decided to lighten the mood. “I’m not sure that I will fall at Freddie’s feet. Unless I trip over my nightgown!”

Charlotte laughed, “Just you wait! Your dear Freddie may turn out to be an Adonis under that uniform...and he is your Freddie, Alison. I have little more than a memory. A fantasy. An illusion. A glimpse of something that was never mine to consider.” 

“I did not wish to make you sad. We were having such fun.”

“You could never make me sad. My own foolishness makes me so. Let us return to our amusements shall we?” With a bright smile, which Alison knew did not quite reach her eyes, they set off back along the beach, collecting shells as they went, before heading back in to town. They had almost reached Trafalgar House when Alison heard a cry of, “Miss Heywood!” both women turned their heads simultaneously. Standing in a large hat with and an equally large smile, was a tall handsome young man of no more than five and twenty. Charlotte’s face brightened, “Mr Stringer! How wonderful to see you again!” This was the Foreman she had spoken of so warmly. He immediately grasped Charlotte’s hand, “Well met Miss. I cannot tell you how delighted I was to receive your note that you would be visiting. I would have written to you but I feared it might not be proper. It’s been such a long time and if I may be so bold, you look remarkably well.”

Charlotte’s smile seemed to fade a little. Mr Stringer’s grip seemed a little too tight and intimate upon her hands. It was clear that Charlotte was more comfortable on its release, “Thank you Mr Stringer. You’re very kind. Please allow me to introduce my sister Alison. Miss Alison Heywood, Mr James Stringer.”

“Good morning Mr Stringer. I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“Likewise Miss. You are very welcome to Sanditon. I trust you will enjoy your stay. I understand I am to wish you joy.”

“Thank you Mr Stringer. Yes indeed. I am to be married next month. This is a happy pre-wedding excursion for my sister and I.”

“Well we are all most delighted to see you both. I can’t tell you how much your sister’s presence has been missed here, by us all.” Charlotte lowered her head and looked mildly embarrassed.

It was clear that Mr Stringer’s fondness for her sister knew no bounds. His enthusiasm was positively over flowing. He seemed like a man well and truly smitten. Looking at Charlotte, she knew her well enough to be equally convinced, that sadly, the intensity of his affection, was not returned. She felt a change of subject might improve her sister’s awkward countenance.

“I understand you are Foreman of the Sanditon works Mr Stringer?”

“Yes indeed Miss.”

“You seem remarkably busy at present. Charlotte and I were just admiring Mr Hargreaves Hotel and the...interesting new bathing machines.”

“Yes Miss. “Interesting” is a very good description.”

Charlotte‘s interest was peaked, “You do not approve of them Mr Stringer?”

“It is not that I disapprove Miss. I have concerns about their construction.”

“They do seem strangely out of proportion.”

Mr Stringer looked at Charlotte with unconcealed admiration, “Yes Miss. Exactly. The size and scale is all wrong. I shouldn’t say this but Mr Hargreaves and particularly Mrs Hargreaves, have been adding more and more embellishments. They’re built on the same frames as the old machines but they’re twice as heavy! Benches lined with velvet! How any poor animal will manage to pull the things I’ve no idea!”

Charlotte and Alison laughed before Charlotte added, “If you ask me they’re an offence to the eye. Then again, everyone’s taste is different I suppose. The men must be glad of all this new work Mr Stringer.”

“They are Miss. It puts food on the table. Since Mrs Campion’s investment...” Mr Stringer immediately stopped. Charlotte maintained remarkable composure. He continued, “I’m sorry Miss. It was very wrong of me to invoke her name to you.”

Alison thought, he really was a good, kind man. How very inconvenient were the singular urges of the heart. Charlotte replied, “Do not distress yourself Mr Stringer. I have no grievance with Mrs Campion, nor any objection to hearing her name spoken. I understand from Mr Tom Parker that she has been most generous to Sanditon during her betrothal.”

“She has...and she could not have bestowed her largesse on a more appreciative benefactor.” All three smiled knowingly. 

Charlotte was suddenly serious, “Oh, please forgive me Mr Stringer, I should have enquired before now, how you are managing since your father’s passing?”

“Well enough Miss. I must confess my father and I did not always see eye to eye on matters. I believe he thought me to have ideas above my station in life. He wasn’t one for ambition. I think he feared my disappointment. Nevertheless, I know he loved me a great deal and the house is very empty without him.”

“I can imagine. However, I have no doubt that you will fulfil your potential and that as he watches over you, your father will be very proud.”

“Thank you Miss. You are so very kind.”

Once again, Alison observed the adoration in Mr Stringer’s eyes. Her sister appeared wholly ignorant of the unintended cruelty she was subjecting him to. She considered whether it might be wise to enlighten her but as that was not possible at present, she decided to intervene to at least bring Mr Stringer’s suffering to an earlier end. “Charlotte, I think perhaps we must say our farewells to Mr Stringer for now. I know that Mary was most anxious that we should not be late for elevenses.”

“No indeed! We must away for now Mr Stringer. I am so very pleased to see you again.”

“And I you Miss and I hope you will enjoy your stay in Sanditon, Miss Alison.”

Alison smiled, “Thank you Mr Stringer. It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I hope to have the opportunity again during our visit. Good day.”

“Good day Miss Alison, Miss Charlotte.”

“Mr. Stringer.”

With that, the Heywood sisters linked arms and continued towards Trafalgar House.

When they were some distance from him, Alison whispered to her sister, “You do know that he is in love with you don’t you?” 

Charlotte looked stunned, “Don’t be ridiculous Alison! Mr Stringer is a dear, kind friend. That is ALL!”

“I have no doubt those are your sentiments. They are not his. Take care Charlotte. I fear, though you may not wish it nor intend it, that you may cause injury to a heart that holds you dear.”

“Oh Alison, no! Do not say such a thing! I never led him to believe...I always acted as a friend. I was kind and solicitous and...oh how could I have done such a thing?!”

“Dear sister, calm yourself. You did not set out to ensnare him! No more than you set out to fall in love with Sidney. Love is the most peculiar thing. You remember that chap Mr Robert Langton? He was excessively fond of me. I believe I spoke to him no more than twice and danced with him once at an Assembly in Willingden, when Freddie was in France. Do you know he approached Papa! Thankfully, he gave him short shrift, but still! To believe me in love with him! To believe himself in love with me?! With no foundation nor encouragement.”

“What is it Lady Susan says, oh yes, it is an affliction, like the Measles.”

“She is right Charlotte. One may overcome it or be overwhelmed by it. Perhaps in Mr Stringers case, it is best to know he has it. At least you can then proceed with caution.”

“I am in no danger of contracting it. At least where Mr Stringer is concerned. He reminds me of our brothers. My affection for him is a tenderness born of mutual understanding, familiarity and warmth. It bares none of the passion I feel for...I felt for...”

“I know. Do not distress yourself. Forewarned is forearmed, as Freddie would say. Let us say no more about it and join Mary for tea.”

If they had hoped that taking refreshments with their hostess would prove to be a pleasant diversion, they were wrong. The seed cake was of course delicious and the tea, the very best that could be had but Mary was strangely sullen and distracted. Eventually, the cause was discerned. She had received a communication from Lady Susan. She intended to host a ball and picnic to celebrate Alison’s forthcoming nuptials. It was to take place in ten days time. The sisters were delighted by the news and confused by Mary’s apparent distress. They sought to comfort her that they would assist if the thought of such elaborate arrangements were proving a daunting prospect. Mary explained that she had no cause for concern on that score. Lady Susan was sending her staff to ensure matters went smoothly and had sent an express to Tom to inform him of her plans. He was needless to say, ecstatic. No, it was not the plan itself but rather the consequences which caused her upset. She sought a moment alone with Charlotte. Alison politely acquiesced and decided to peruse the contents of the small library. With her sister gone from the room, Charlotte looked ever more confused and anxious. “Mary, you must tell me what disturbs you so. For I must confess, it is now having the same effect upon me.”

Mary reached across the table and took her hand, “Oh my dear Charlotte. You know I would never seek to cause you distress. You must believe me. Had I known there was any possibility that he would come to Sanditon during your stay. That they would come. I would never have brought you here to suffer so.”

“Mary, I don’t understand...”

“Lady Susan has invited Sidney and Eliza to attend the celebrations. I do not know why she would do such a thing but it seems that she has spent time with them in London. You know I have little experience with London society and their ways. Perhaps she felt it polite given Sidney’s connection to Sanditon.”

Charlotte’s expression was fixed and unreadable. Her eyes flitted about the room as she processed the news. Why would her dear friend do such a thing? Why would she expose her to this? Perhaps she did not understand Susan at all? She would go back to Willingden. Her sister could stay on with Mary, as she had done. She could enjoy her visit then return... No. She would not do that. She would not turn tail and run. Just as she had gathered her strength to come back to Sanditon, so she would gather her strength to see Sidney Parker and Eliza Campion once again. He could cauterise his heart. She would do the same. With a fortitude she didn’t know she possessed and a cold, steely expression Mary had never seen before, Charlotte spoke.

“Please do not distress yourself Mary. It is a matter of indifference to me. I hope your brother and his intended will enjoy their stay. My sister and I will look forward to the festivities. If you’ll excuse me. The weather appears to be holding and I promised Alison a walk to the river. We will take some food with us and eat there, if you don’t mind.” 

Mary was disconcerted by Charlotte’s calm countenance. Surely this could not reflect her inner emotions? Nonetheless, she thought it wise to pry no further for now, “Of course I don’t mind my dear. Please inform cook and she will make you a basket. Enjoy your afternoon.”

With that, Charlotte left the room. When she was at a safe distance, she broke into a run, dashing up the stairs to her room. She closed the door, rested her back against it and sobbed. Courage and strength could come on the morrow. For now, he was returning to Sanditon, her broken heart ached and her soul cried out once again, for it’s one true mate.


	9. Honesty & Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The Truth May Hurt For A While. But A Lie Hurts Forever” - Anon.

For Charlotte, the days proceeding the unwelcome news of the impending arrival of Sidney and Mrs Campion, were spent in private contemplation of her seemingly endless sorrow and on ensuring public displays of complete apathy on the subject. She was determined that no one should suspect her true feelings. No one that was, but Alison, from whom any effort at concealment was futile. Her sister was nothing less than a tower of strength, keeping her spirits as high as they could be and distracting her from her increasing anxiety. Together they had walked the clifftops above the town, picnicked by the river and in the Bluebell wood, bought items for Alison’s trousseau, enjoyed donkey rides on the beach and gone sea bathing as often as the weather permitted. They had also successfully navigated an excruciating luncheon with Lady Denham. After appraising Alison like a prize jenny from her drove, she had pronounced her a, “...fine young thing. Spirited but without any unsuitable airs”, before taking the opportunity to draw an unfavourable comparison with, “your elder sister, whom I note, still insists upon the poverty of spinsterhood.” Thankfully, the afternoon’s torture was enlivened by the presence of Esther and Lord Babington, newly arrived from London. 

Esther was proof positive, if any were needed, of the transformative power of love. Under Babington’s gentle care and indulgence, she was thriving. If she still possessed an acerbic tone with strangers and those who bored her, it was now tempered with a genuine warmth of disposition for those whom she regarded. Charlotte fell happily into the latter category. The new Lady Babington was nothing if not observant of the world and acutely aware of it’s cruelties. Where Lady Susan was an eternal optimist in all things, Esther perceived life through a much darker prism. She was all too aware of Charlotte’s distress and of the cause from which it resulted. She had always been suspicious of Sidney Parker. She knew of his ignominious past. That he’d been turned over by a former love, for money and for social status. She knew something of what had followed. She perceived him to be sullen, ill-tempered and wild of nature. Edward had drank with him on several occasions in the past and had never withstood the indulgence. There was talk of violence, of gambling, of opium, and of women of ill repute. In a month of Sunday’s she could never have imagined the effect which Charlotte Heywood, a pretty young creature from a small, inconsequential, rural village, with little knowledge of the world, would have upon such a man, nor he upon her. Yet she saw it now and had witnessed it these past months since their separation. Babington had been astonished by the news of his dear friend’s betrothal to the Widow Campion. He felt certain, his affections lay elsewhere. Esther was much more cynical and sanguine. Her reply to the news was delivered with her usual economy, “Money corrupts, dearest.” 

Her then fiancé’s assessment, was much more generous, “He regarded Miss Heywood greatly Esther. I know it. I believe he intended to make her an offer of marriage. Perhaps she refused him? I know their relationship was somewhat fractious initially but I believe their mutual regard most definitely grew, greatly. The way they looked at each other. The way they were together. She never struck me as cruel Esther...I simply cannot fathom it...Truly, I find you all such mysterious creatures.” 

“Dear Babington. You are far too generous I fear. Sidney Parker is a man who puts a price upon his heart. One which a young woman such as Charlotte, could never have afforded to pay.” 

She knew that Babington would never accept such a low opinion of his friend. Such loyalty was to his credit and was one of the finer qualities she was growing ever more fond of with each passing day. It was not until some weeks later, on her wedding day, that Esther began to question her own judgement on the matter and to suspect that her new husband’s assessment may in fact, have been quite correct. Charlotte had been an exemplary Maid of Honour. She had ensured the neat arrangement of her gown at all times. Had stood prettily by her side in the Church and had endeavoured to smile as she did so. But there was pain behind that smile and Esther knew it. While she met and mingled with her guests, she occasionally caught sight of Charlotte standing alone and apart from the throng, or walking by herself in the garden. A picture of solitude and isolation. She had moved on several occasions to attempt to draw her out but had been ensnared by her euphoric and triumphant Aunt, or by her new husband seeking to introduce her to yet another figure from the Beau Monde who simply had to be received by the new Lady Babington. 

Esther had also met with Eliza Campion. The woman was everything she despised. Trivial, superficial and utterly dreary. So this self-important, preening ninny was the great love of Sidney Parker’s life. The architect of his destruction. Little more than a pleasing face, wreathed in the trappings of someone else’s fortune. The widow offered her brief congratulations on their marriage before complimenting her on her gown, the house, the food, the wine, the champagne and enquiring about their forthcoming honeymoon tour. What then followed was an interminable one sided diatribe about her own wedding preparations, interrupted only by Eliza barking an instruction at her betrothed to fetch them more champagne. Like the lap dog he’d so clearly become, Sidney Parker silently did as he was bid by his mistress. A keen observer of the human condition, Esther noted that Babington looked pained throughout the exchange and his friend looked completely and utterly lost. Resigned, it seemed, to his fate. Campion continued uninterrupted and apparently requiring no contribution from her betrothed. Finally, she excused herself to retrieve Sidney. Her lap dog having strayed, upon the sight of another equally lost soul. He’d been speaking to Charlotte. Even from a distance the tension between the pair was palpable and intense. Esther observed them, until Babington whispered in her ear, “Tell me he does not love her?” Esther considered this for a moment, before replying, “Then his greed has made him even more capricious and cruel than I imagined. Let him suffer for his folly. My only sadness is for the pain he has imposed upon dear Charlotte.”

Upon their return from their Honeymoon, the Babington’s had hosted a small party of friends for a shooting weekend at their country estate. Sidney was a guest. He had arrived alone. Eliza had a prior engagement in town and was to join them only for the final day. Babington was determined to take the opportunity to lift his friends spirits. For a newly betrothed man, Sidney was funereally glum. His mood had improved somewhat with fresh air and exercise and the companionship of his old friends, including Crowe. However, Babbers knew that his smiles and efforts at levity, were largely superficial and aided by the liberal application of alcohol. Even this induced state was to be short lived. It was impossible not to observe the immediate change in Sidney’s demeanour upon the arrival of his betrothed. He became almost completely silent and withdrawn. He was distant and polite and devoid of any display of peculiar interest, or regard for the woman by his side. Eliza seemed content to ignore what seemed patently obvious to even the most casual observer. This was a miserable situation. Esther contemplated that it was a dreadful condemnation for them both. She could not fathom the gain for Eliza Campion in seeking this match. Yes, Sidney Parker was handsome, uncommonly so, but it was transparent that he did not love her. She must know that this was purely a business arrangement on his part. To enter into matrimony, to the marriage bed, to the prospect of a lifelong union, knowing this? When her personal wealth was such that she was at liberty to do as she pleased. It was madness. For her part, Eliza continued her almost ritualistic displays of insincere flattery to her hosts. Beyond cruel barbs which demeaned the teller more than the target, Esther observed that she possessed little wit or engaging conversation. Dinner on the final evening was excruciating. The tension was palpable as Sidney and Crowe imbibed copiously, while Eliza scowled. Esther began to sense that for Sidney, this weekend was a last desperate hurrah. 

As was so often the case, the topic of Sanditon and it’s future, raised its head. Sidney rolled his eyes at the very mention of his brother’s ill-fated project. Esther and Babbers were to return there before Christmas, to visit her Aunt and meet with Mr. Stringer to discuss the redevelopment of Denham Place. Babington had little inclination to set up residence there but out of respect for his wife’s family and seeing the potential of the property as a rental investment, he was keen to facilitate the necessary renovations and improvements. There was some discussion of Nicodemus Hargreaves, his extraordinary wife Milly and the new hotel which Tom was already convinced would change Sanditon’s fortunes for the better. Sidney was somewhat less optimistic, “How many times have I heard that?”

Babington attempted to lighten the mood, “Oh come now Sidney! Old Nic may yet prove to be Sanditon’s salvation! Besides, it’s not impossible to love the place. It did give me my dear Esther,” he smiled warmly at his wife and raised his glass to her, “and of course, Miss Heywood was excessively fond of it and she was as sensible and fair minded a young lady as I ever met.” He knew the minute he’d said it, that it had been a mistake. At the mention of her name Sidney had looked up from the venison dish he was toying idly with. His expression was one of shock, mixed with pain and anguish. Eliza Campion’s was one of thinly disguised fury. Crowe was now so intoxicated that any and all discretion had long since disappeared. He suddenly sought his share of the conversation, “Ah yes, little Miss Heywood! A fine, lively, buxom little wench she was too! Turned your eye, didn’t she Parker?” Sidney’s fist slammed down on the table with force. The guests, as well as the tableware, jumped at the sudden violence of the moment. 

Sidney stood from the table and hissed, “Shut your drunken mouth Crowe, or I’ll shut it for you.”

Babington intervened, “Sidney. Please. Be seated. Let us remember there are ladies present. Crowe. You ignorant fool. You’ve had your fill. It’s time you retired. Fletcher, please assist the gentleman to locate his room.”

With that the butler whispered instructions to two footmen and a chastened Crowe was assisted from the dining room. Sidney calmed and returned to his seat. A seething Eliza rose immediately from hers, “Please excuse me. I believe I will also retire. I suddenly find myself greatly fatigued. Lord and Lady Babington, thank you for your hospitality.” Sidney stood solemnly and offered her his arm. Her response was swift, “I do not require an escort. Stay with your friends. Goodnight.” Sidney sank back into his chair. 

Babington turned to him, “My apologies old friend. I should never have invoked Miss Heywood’s name. It was a momentary lapse. Still, it was thoughtless of me.”

“It is not your fault Babbers. That drunken buffoon should never have spoken of her in such a way. Her name should never be on his tongue. Miss Heywood is a Lady. The very finest I have ever known. I will not tolerate such disrespect towards her. I apologise Lady Babington. If I have damaged the table or any item of tableware, I will of course, replace it.”

Esther considered him for a moment and then replied, “Do not concern yourself Mr Parker. You were provoked. Your defence of Miss Heywood’s honour does you credit. Although, perhaps less so in the eyes of your betrothed.”

Sidney closed his eyes for a moment, then looked up to the ceiling as though seeking relief or inspiration from a celestial source. He eventually spoke with a wry, sad tone, “...The eyes of my betrothed.... I often wonder what it is they truly see.” 

Babington enquired, “I do not understand you Sidney.”

He looked back over his shoulder wearily, “Oh Babbers. Merely an observation. Ignore me.”

“Sidney...”

“Do not fret my dear friend. I am tired and in drink. I will be myself again on the morrow. Truly. I apologise once again for my behaviour. I bid you both Goodnight .” With that, he bowed to Esther and left. 

For a long moment Esther and Babington looked at each other with confusion and concern. Esther spoke first, addressing their butler, “Fletcher, please ensure that no further alcohol is provided to either Mr Crowe or Mr Parker tonight. Make any excuse you see fit.”

“Of course my Lady”

“Do you believe me now Esther? Do you see what I see?”

Looking at her husband with her customary reluctance to concede a point, Esther eventually sighed, “In this matter husband, I believe you are correct. Sidney Parker is a deeply unhappy man. I detect no sign of affection for his intended. However, there is one thing of which I am certain. He is a man in love. I think we both know where his heart truly lies.”

“Why did he do it then!? Why did he abandon Miss Heywood!?”

“That I do not know for sure but money is the spur. I am sure of it.”

“Esther, I have told you, I do not believe him capable of acting for himself in this matter. It is a tawdry accusation. It would be unworthy of him...”

“Calm yourself dear Babington. I accept that he may not have acted in his own interest. But I believe him capable of acting in the interest of others.”

“Others?”

“Yes. He has a megalomaniacal, feckless brother. One I was always most certain would ruin himself and his family. Though the extent of the ruination even I failed to predict. The fire. As we know, it has set Sanditon far off course. My Aunt is furious and had recently written to inform me that Tom Parker had failed to insure the terraces. She didn’t go into significant detail but I can only imagine the consequent debt. He has long been living off his expectations. Some might say fantasies...I know something of that dangerous tendency in a man...I only received her letter three days ago on our return. There was a further correspondence which arrived some ten days after the first, in which she stated that the crisis was now at an end. Ask yourself these questions, How do you suppose it was resolved so quickly? Where would a man of his reputation and credit have readily obtained such a fortune? How could he have achieved it Babington?”

“Oh God...surely Sidney did not...”

“I fear he did. A weak man like Tom Parker could never face the consequences of his actions. He’s not a visionary. He’s an arrogant fool. Playing games with the lives of others. Sacrificing their futures for his dreams.”

Babington struggled to accept the notion and yet it’s truth now seemed inescapable. The following day, Mrs Campion took breakfast in her room and left before most of the house had woken. Sidney took no breakfast and left a note for his hosts, apologising once again for his conduct at dinner and explaining that he had urgent business which took him back to London. Neither Babington, nor Crowe saw their friend again for several weeks. Though Crowe had written to Sidney to offer his profuse apologies. Finally, as they made their way to White’s Club, they saw him and over more wine than was prudent, the whole sorry tale was told. That evening an anxious, pacing Babington had informed his wife that she was correct. He stated with sincerity, that he would never doubt her wisdom again. From that moment on, their mutual determination, was to help resolve this apparently intractable dilemma. They needed a plan. They needed help. That help was to arrive in the form of Lady Susan Worcester. She was fully aware of the agony shared by Sidney and her dear Charlotte and had been appraised by Sidney of his situation. She had made plans to intervene. It would require considerable social skill, financial investment and a liberal amount of deception. It would be difficult, possibly ugly at times but it would be worth it. She extended an invitation for the Babington’s to join Lady May Bainbridge’s luncheon at her Cadogan Square residence. Afterwards the wheels would be set in motion. 

Thus, Esther and Babington returned to Sanditon for the grandest Ball and celebrations the town had ever seen, all in honour of Alison Heywood. A woman they had never met before but whose nuptials might just be the catalyst for another joyful event. When Lady Denham invited the two Heywood sisters to luncheon at Sanditon House, Esther had brought with her a note for Charlotte from Lady Susan. Charlotte had received it with trepidation. She was still hurt and confused by her friends decision to invite Sidney and Mrs Campion to the town during her stay. It seemed so uncharacteristically cruel. She was reluctant to open the missive. Esther offered her a smile and said, “Read it. It may calm your spirits.” Later that night by candlelight, she did. It read, “My Dearest Young Friend, I ask only one thing of you. Though you may see my actions as perverse, know that they are born of my most sincere belief that this will all be for the best. We may not see the destination while we are focused on the journey. Remember what I told you once before. The race is not yet run. Well my dear one, the starting gun has now been fired. We must steel ourselves for the competition. I firmly believe we will be victorious. Your friend, now and always, Susan”

Charlotte was more confused than ever. What did she mean? Surely the “race” was lost? There could be no happy destination and why did Esther appear to know the contents of the note? Oh, her mind and heart were reeling. She could think no more on it now. She must rest for the trial ahead. He would be in Sanditon in two days time. How would she bear it? The very thought of being near him again both tortured and delighted her. Her last prayer as she fell into slumber was for him and for her own forbearance, “Dear God. Though he may never be mine to have and to hold, bring him here safe. Deliver him back home to those who love him so. Give me the courage and grace to accept that my love will never more be returned. Help me celebrate his happiness as if it were my own. Help me to be kind to one who has taken him from me forever. Help me bear it oh Lord. Amen.” 

London

On receipt of Alison’s cursory note, Sidney reflected that he had been foolish to anticipate anything more substantial. Or better yet, that it might have been written by the hand he longed to hold once more. He now wished most fervently that he had exercised caution and restraint but he’d often found them in short supply, particularly in matters of the heart. He had it from Lady Susan, that at the time of writing the Miss Heywood’s were unaware that his plans had changed, that he would be visiting. Susan had received word from Mary. Charlotte’s spirits were low. She was distressed by the news. He was destroyed by the thought of her pain and that, once again, he was the cause. 

They were for Sanditon that morning. He was already so nervous that he had slept little and eaten barely a morsel. The journey would take them little more than a day. They would overnight at the Bell in Bromley. Eliza had decided to join them on the eve of the celebratory ball. Lady Susan offered Georgiana the comfort of travelling in her carriage. Sidney decided to take the opportunity to ride alongside them, on his stallion Thor. He preferred the fresh air and exercise it afforded. Not to mention some time alone with his thoughts. There would be no requirement to make polite conversation. Solitude would be a blessing as he contemplated being once again in the presence of the woman he loved, who still held his heart so very tightly, that he existed in a state of constant, exquisite agony. Instead he could prepare himself as best he could for what lay ahead. Trapped in a half world of longing. Of proximity without intimacy. He would once again return to Sanditon. He would once again be near to Charlotte.


	10. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Revenge is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist”. - Max Lucado

Lord Patrick Emerson, the tenth Viscount Covington, was one of the most eligible bachelors in the country. Covington Park was widely considered to be among the most splendid estates in England. Upon the passing of his infirm father, the Earldom would be his and with it a dazzling fortune built by generations of the landowning family and consolidated by the foresight and business acumen of Patrick and his father. The Earl had opened a highly successful investment bank in his youth, while the Viscount had greatly enhanced his father’s success by quickly identifying the considerable financial advantages of investing substantially in the burgeoning industry in the North. The rewards had been prodigious. It all served to add to Patrick’s other advantages. While his title alone would have made him an excellent catch, fine, fair features, some height and a noble baring simply added to his allure. Every debutante had attempted to ensnare him, every wealthy industrialist had paraded their daughters before him. Several of their bored wives had offered themselves. However, their efforts were futile. While his reputation was that of a libertine and philanderer, the truth was that Patrick’s interests and tastes never lay with the opposite sex. In a cruel and intolerant world, he was forced to live in the shadows. To allow false rumours to circulate for fear of the truth emerging. As a result, his life had become one of frustration, heartache and perpetual concealment. He knew that his father’s final wish was to see him “settled” in matrimony but to achieve that state would require the ultimate act of deception. A lie of the heart. He found it utterly intolerable and deeply distasteful. He knew however, that there would be those for whom the prospect of a prestigious union, with no or few “marital duties”, would be a very tempting prospect. He had long considered that Eliza Campion, might be one such woman. 

He had met her during her marriage to George Campion. Considerably older than his bride, his was a truly exceptional fortune. Enough for several lifetimes. He was a naturally generous soul, inclined to charitable endeavours and philanthropical pursuits but alas, he was too easily charmed. Too drawn by the superficial. Like most rich men, he liked to possess beautiful things. Eliza was just that, and she knew it. George had long courted a widow with an estate in Ireland, the Honourable Veronica Kinane. She was a kind, gentle soul who appeared to love him greatly. She proved to be no match for a coquettish, vain, single-minded and ruthless young woman. George was a weak fool in the face of such a calculating creature. Patrick was aware that she had broken an engagement to achieve her prize. Her former betrothed was an uncommonly handsome fellow barely out of his youth, Sidney Parker. A second son with limited prospects but blessed with energy and an intelligent, lively countenance. She had discarded and destroyed him. He had heard rumours of his subsequent self-destruction. He’d shown up in drink, to take a swing at old George at White’s Club. It seemed that Eliza Campion could make fools of the young and the old alike. He knew of Sidney’s self imposed exile and of his subsequent success in Antigua. While not particularly well acquainted, he knew that, like most of the upper echelons of society, he banked with their firm Emerson Capital & Holdings, who also held in trust, the fortune of his young Ward, Miss Georgiana Lambe. Sidney had made a pretty profit from the Sugar Trade but had divested for ethical reasons. He was now in import and export. Largely silks, rum and spices. He had a warehouse in London, a diverse and thriving portfolio of investments and less advantageously, some not inconsiderable financial stake in his brother’s peculiar seaside venture. It involved the development of a former fishing village on the south coast, called Sanditon. 

These odd towns were cropping up everywhere these days. For every Brighton, there was some odd little ramshackle town, which served merely to drain the pockets of those who sacrificed their blunt to little more than an ill-conceived pipe dream. Patrick firmly believed that Sanditon was one such place. He knew of Tom Parker’s flamboyance and eccentricity. It stood in stark contrast to his brother’s more practical, world weary persona. His youthful exuberance having long since disappeared. He also knew of Tom’s debts and of his brother’s efforts to address them. The bank had recently declined Sidney’s request for £80,000. A sum resultant, so the rumours had it, from a catastrophic fire in Sanditon and the negligent decision by Tom Parker, not to insure the town’s building works. A labourer had lost his life. While the whole scheme struck him as dangerous folly, Patrick could not help but admire Sidney Parker’s loyalty to his family. Even if it seemed certain to end in yet more disaster and ruination. It wasn’t long after Sidney’s unsuccessful application to the bank that he learned of his betrothal to Eliza Campion. While the Beau Monde would have it that true love had conquered time and estrangement, Patrick saw a very different narrative. This time the thing of beauty, had been purchased not by the wealthy man but by the wealthy woman. The tables had been turned. He almost admired her audacity...almost. 

Within weeks of the announcement of the betrothal, Sanditon was in possession of the first down payment against the Parker debts. The sum of £20,000. The re-building work could commence. Sidney Parker had arrived at the bank to arrange the deposit of the funds. He looked sullen, pale and drawn. For a man who’d supposedly reunited with his long lost love and secured the future of his family venture, he appeared less than joyous and triumphant. It wasn’t long before it became clear that Eliza Campion was also less than a blissful bride to be. At a Mayfair luncheon party she had drawn him into conversation and sought his advice on Sanditon. In addition to her initial outlay, a further £40,000 would be released in the coming weeks in the form of a bridging loan. Her betrothed would essentially borrow against his expectations. The impending marriage and the Campion money would act as surety. It wasn’t an unusual arrangement but it did strike him as somewhat premature and unnecessary, with a wedding just weeks away and the liquidity assured. Given her relationship with the bank, they felt unable to deny the request but Patrick counselled caution. It was a high risk investment with the potential for limited yield and the risk of substantial losses. He had begun to suspect that Sidney Parker was proving to be a very expensive acquisition for Eliza Campion and one which did not appear to be bringing her any discernible semblance of happiness. 

The loan proceeded. In truth, Patrick gave the matter little further thought. The Campion/Parker Union would not be the first to be based on nothing more than a business arrangement. Indeed he had contemplated a similar fate for himself. It was not until he learned some weeks later that the debt had suddenly been purchased from the bank, by one Nicodemus Hargreaves Esq, that he felt compelled to approach Eliza. It was a most peculiar turn of events. Had they decided it was wiser to divest perhaps? It seemed unlikely under the circumstances. Such transactions were uncommon among those for whom similar loans were easily discharged. It was sufficiently puzzling to prompt his intervention. A visit was thus arranged. The wealthy widow was awaiting his arrival for afternoon tea, in her drawing room. She was her usual charming self. Remarking on how well he looked, how dashing, how prosperous. He thanked her for her compliments and returned them with civility. He enquired after Sidney. She informed him that her betrothed and his Ward had left London that morning en route to Sanditon for a celebration hosted by Lady Susan Worcester. She added that she would join them in a few days. Pleasantries exchanged, an awkward silence descended before Patrick finally spoke. He decided to get straight to the point, “Mrs Campion, while I have long enjoyed your company, I must confess that my visit today is not entirely of a social nature.”

Eliza smiled knowingly, “I had suspected as much my dear Lord Emerson.”

“I am concerned by some recent developments with respect to Mr Parker’s bridging loan.”

“Concerned? Pray, what is the cause of your alarm? Are you not delighted? The bank has been reimbursed, with interest, I understand. The loan has been purchased has it not?”

“Yes it has. However, I cannot fathom why?”

“Surely that is of no matter. I remain satisfied with your services and your attention and your bank has been repaid. You will not be out of pocket. Do not make yourself uneasy my Lord.”

Far from feeling calmed by her response, Patrick felt increasingly uneasy, “I cannot help but feel that what has taken place here is irregular.”

“As I have said, it is none of your concern Sir.”

“It is, if it brings my family’s bank and our reputation, into disrepute.”

Eliza laughed, “Oh you men and your sense of honour and familial duty. Your thin veneer of respectability.”

Patrick took exception to her remark, “In the case of my family, it is no “thin veneer”. It is a reputation hard won madam, from many decades of distinction in public life and in business.”

Chastened, Eliza paused, “You are quite right Lord Emerson, forgive me. I did not intend to besmirch your family. I have the greatest respect for you and for your father. Let me assure you that no stain will fall upon Emerson Capital and Holdings in this matter.”

“Then you will have no qualms in explaining to what purpose these actions attend?”

“Revenge Lord Emerson. Pure and simple...do I shock your sensibilities?”

“Revenge upon whom!?...and for what!?”

“Why my betrothed of course...and his wretched family.”

For a moment Patrick was stunned into silence, “Mrs Campion...I....why on Earth should you wish to avenge yourself on the man you are to marry?”

“Oh, I think you know Lord Emerson. I think you fully comprehend my situation. You know exactly why he engaged himself to me. You know why he goes on with the engagement. You know that he wants my money...don’t you?”

“I...I am unaware of your private concerns. In matters of affection and regard I...”

Once again she laughed, this time with a bitter, dismissive tone, “Affection and regard!? You think that is what passes between myself and Sidney Parker!? Please Lord Emerson, you are no fool. Those sentiments are the very last things he feels for me. He has long since given his heart elsewhere.”

“He has been unfaithful to you?”

“Perhaps not in body...yet...but in heart, in soul and in mind he has betrayed me. He continues to betray me.”

“You are suggesting that he has injured you by falling in love with another?”

“...Yes...and in seeking to rid me of my fortune through a false marriage.”

“Mrs Campion, if he has injured you thus, I can understand your pain. Had you no notion of another attachment when you consented to marry him?”

“Our arrangement was of a particular kind.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I proposed to him. He was begging for my help. I saw an opportunity and I took it.”

“...an opportunity?! To render yourself miserable? Surely in doing so you invited the circumstances which you now view as a betrayal? You offered yourself and your fortune to a desperate man, of whose regard, you were uncertain at best.”

“I loved him! Was it so foolish to believe that we might love again?!

“No. Of course not. But time, life and injury changes us all. Sometimes the affections of our youth are not those we hold as we mature. I confess I do not understand how you could have offered him this bargain, only now to resent his acceptance of it.”

“I might have tolerated it were it not for her.”

“Her?”

Eliza sneered, “Miss Charlotte Heywood. A mere girl of no consequence. A farmer’s daughter. That this rural upstart! This creature of no consequence should humiliate ME! That she should PRESUME to usurp me!”

Patrick had seldom witnessed such raw anger and venom, “If revenge is what you seek, surely freeing him and thus depriving him of your fortune is enough?”

“Oh, I intend to free him. I have absolutely no intention of marrying Sidney Parker.”

“So you will leave him with a calamitous debt he cannot pay...”

Eliza smirked and watched with satisfaction as Patrick struggled to make sense of her scheme. Eventually he sought clarity, “I still do not understand Mr Hargreaves involvement in this.”

“When it all collapses, as it will, when I jilt him at a time of my choosing, not only will he be ruined, along with his feckless brother and idiotic siblings, Hargreaves will own half the town. The remainder he will get for a song. Desperate men have few options and even less collateral with which to bargain. Besides, it is not merely Mr Hargreaves who will benefit. He has a shadow partner in this matter.”

“Might I ask whom?”

“A Mr. Beecroft.”

Patrick’s blood ran cold, “Beecroft? I assume that Mr. Parker is unaware to whom he is now indebted? Mrs Campion, you should be aware, should he default, the prospect of debtors prison would be the least of his concerns. Beecroft has a most grave reputation.”

“Yes. I understand he does not look favourably upon his debtors...” She sipped elegantly on her tea.

As the reality of her plan began to dawn upon him, Patrick was horrified, “Perhaps you do not understand. Madam he could kill him. You could well cost Mr Parker his life...Dear God...this is your intention...”

“Mr Parker will learn that I am not to be humiliated. I almost destroyed him once before. Perhaps my success will be more complete this time.”

“You cannot do this! It is insanity. His blood will be on your hands!” Patrick stood and moved towards the door, “I cannot listen to this! It is barbaric. It is cold blooded Murder! I will not permit it!”

“...and who will believe you my Lord? Particularly when I tell them about that splendid young man whom you visit so frequently in Cheapside...it would be such a shame if your little secret were to be revealed. What then for your reputation? For your family business? People can be so cruel...So few understand the price that must be paid for love...You will keep your mouth shut.”

He was speechless, stunned. His response was barely above a whisper, “God help Mr Parker....you are a thoroughly wicked woman.”

“...I am a powerful woman.”

“No. You are warped and weakened by jealousy. You wronged him and he has wronged you. A powerful woman would not seek to hold a man who does not love her. A powerful woman would not seek for vengeance but embrace her own destiny. Your “power” is futile. It is based on fear, not respect, on hatred, not love.”

“You Sir, have outstayed your welcome. You may leave now and remember your indiscretion in this matter could prove very costly.”

“Save your threats Mrs. Campion. Unlike Sidney Parker. I cannot be bought.”

“We’ll see.”

Patrick left her residence in a daze. As the front door slammed shut behind him, he stood motionless for several minutes before setting off through the streets, with neither direction nor purpose. His mind was filled with what she’d said. He found himself sitting on a park bench staring into thin air. The world moved around him but he saw nothing. Could this be a nightmare? Might he wake at any moment? Could she have been speaking in jest? A cruel joke designed to embarrass him if he retold her fantastical story. Who would believe him? Who would give credence to such a scheme? No, it must be a nonsense. Surely?....and yet...if she spoke the truth, a man could die, a family would be destroyed. He knew enough of Beecroft to believe him capable of anything. Yet if he spoke he too could be ruined by her, along with everything his family had built. All this for her pathetic revenge against a man she could not win. She had tried to buy a human being. Only to discover that some things were not for sale. Parker must bare some blame for acquiescing to this wretched arrangement but his motives were just, even if his methods were questionable. Patrick could not live with the guilt of standing idly by as this evil unfolded. He might pay a terrible price but it was as nothing to that which Sidney Parker and those who loved him, were destined to pay. He had to warn him. He had to stop her. He had to do what was right. Then he had to find a way to live with the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time...Sidney and Charlotte are reunited....


	11. A Reunion of Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “...And they can’t understand, what hurts more—missing the other person, or pretending not to.” - Khadija Rupa

Sidney had kept pace with Lady Susan’s carriage for most of the journey. Occasionally, he had allowed his stallion, Thor to break into a canter, or slowed him to a trot, to rest him a little. He was travelling light with just his saddle bags for the overnight. Their luggage had been sent ahead and his would be awaiting his arrival at The Crowne Hotel. He’d had a fitful night at The Bell in Bromley. Despite having been attended to diligently by the staff, all eager to please Lady Susan’s Party, he had eaten little of the plentiful repast set before them and had retired early to his room, where he’d slept intermittently throughout the night. Now he found himself approaching the cliff tops on the outskirts of the town. The vista before him becoming ever more familiar. The connotations it evoked, ever more acute in his mind. Sanditon. His brother’s benighted kingdom. This place which held the memory of a past, coloured by moments of exquisite joy and the very depths of his despair. It’s present held the prospect of an encounter which he both longed for and which filled him with such dread that he could barely think on it without shaking to his very core. That beautiful face. The sound of her voice. Those eyes looking into his own once again. Those lips whose touch he now knew and could never forget. The recollection of which tortured him without mercy. That soft, yielding body, which he remembered pressed tightly against his own. That precious heart, given so openly, so freely, so completely, which he had failed miserably to cherish as he should have. He had taken it with relish and then broken it so cruelly...those tear stained cheeks...How could he tolerate this pain? How could he survive this Hell? He would be severely tested. If she felt even the residue of their love, she would be too. With this coming trial he would discover the very limits of his endurance.

Some two miles from Sanditon, Lady Susan’s Barouche approached the turning which led towards Summerleyton. The magnificent Manor House which she had rented for a fortnight’s stay. Georgiana would reside with her. They would be joined tomorrow by Lady May Bainbridge and a small party of guests. Susan struck the carriage roof three times in rapid succession, with the handle of her parasol. The driver immediately brought the fleet of magnificent greys, to a halt. Sidney pulled on the reins and Thor slowed to a standstill, the horse padding the ground before taking the opportunity to graze. He dismounted as Lady Susan lowered the window of the carriage. 

“Sidney, do you wish to follow us to the house? I have requested refreshments and a light luncheon be served. You would be most welcome to join us. Perhaps it would be wise to allow a little time to collect yourself after such a journey.” Sidney smiled. It did not surprise him in the least that Susan and Charlotte were such close friends. Not only did both women possess an innate kindness and gentility, both were inherently perceptive. Susan was all too aware of his trepidation at what lay ahead and was seeking to afford him a last chance to steel himself. However, he knew that delay was merely avoidance and he would not render himself a coward.

“I am grateful Susan. You are consideration and generosity personified. As always. I believe though, that I must proceed to the town. I will settle at The Crowne, then call upon my family...and greet their guests.” He lowered his gaze on those last words. Spoken with a tone laced with such utter sadness and regret.

“Take heart Sidney. I will not pretend that what lies before you is an easy prospect. Nor will it be without sorrow but you must hold fast. Know that this is the beginning not the end. You have many of us surrounding you, who have your interests at heart and who hold you in affection and high regard. You have made a mistaken judgement. Who among us can honestly attest to never having erred!? It is what we do next that marks our character. You have one considerable advantage in this matter. Charlotte. She is as generous and loving a soul as I believe has ever lived and she is steadfast. Her heart once given, is unlikely to be easily changed. I believe you are still her hearts desire but you must be extracted from your predicament. Then, you can seek to redeem yourself and prove that she has not formed a futile and mistaken attachment. What say you, Georgiana?”

“I say you will be a fortunate man if she forgives you. Indeed you will be fortunate if she deigns to acknowledge you!”

Susan was aghast, “Georgiana! Really.”

Georgiana slowly gave a teasing smile, “For what it’s worth...I do hope that she does. I never thought I’d say this but I believe you deserve a second chance to make right Sidney Parker.”

Sidney returned her smile. He felt tears coming to his eyes. He was not usually one for such displays of emotion. Perhaps it was because such sentiment from his Ward, had been hard won. He coughed slightly to cover his embarrassment, 

“Thank you both. I will endeavour to find strength in your words. I will be my best self for her. Even if it proves to be in vain, I could offer her nothing less. She deserves it and so much more.”

“Indeed. You will join us for dinner this evening of course and please extend an invitation to Charlotte, her sister and your family. When you have confirmed the numbers, please have word sent to the housekeeper. If it proves convenient, we shall expect you all at 7.30 for 8pm. Otherwise cook will have sufficient to feed the multitudes and precious few takers!” Susan laughed before her expression broke into that of her customary solicitude, “Have a safe journey into town. Be strong Sidney Parker. Be worthy of your love. That in itself will prove a considerable task, for she is such a treasure. Send my compliments and regards to one and all.”

Sidney bowed decorously and replied, “I will. A pleasant onward journey to you both. Till this evening”. With that Susan instructed the carriage to proceed and Sidney mounted his horse. He watched for a moment as it faded into the distance, then with a click, a flick on the reins and a gentle kick of his heels, he urged Thor to take him on his way. 

It wasn’t long before he reached the fateful spot. It felt, as it always did, like opening a gaping wound. He had often contemplated since then, how he might avoid it but the terrain hereabouts was barely suitable for a single track, let alone an alternative route. A detour, designed for his sole use. One free of heartache. Sidney contemplated for a moment that accessibility was yet another on a long list of matters his brother would have to consider if Sanditon ever stood a chance of achieving the influx of visitors Tom had long sought but never achieved. He dismounted from Thor once again and together they walked towards the edge of the cliff. “Well faithful steed. We find ourselves here once again. As I recall, you could barely look last time. Turning your head away. You’re a wiser soul than I. I wonder if she remembered this miserable location when she arrived with her sister? Of course she did. How she must hate me still. No more than I hate myself. He patted Thor whose dark eyes momentarily appeared to return his gaze. 

“You would have brought me back to her that day, wouldn’t you? You would have brought me to her any day in between. How I have wanted to saddle you for that journey. More often than I can recall.” Sidney looked across towards the town. “Now we are here and she is over there. She is near to me once more. God give me strength.” Suddenly, as he looked down at the beach, he noticed the new bathing machines. Hargreaves’ faux grandiose monstrosities. He couldn’t help laughing at their incongruous sight.

“Dear God! These have got to be the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen! They cannot have been designed by Mr Stringer! He has more sense, let alone taste. I’ll wager that Charlotte loathes them!” He laughed again at the thought of hearing her opinion on the matter. His laugh turned to a smile. His smile to a sad realisation that although the physical distance between them was small, the journey to her heart, felt like a million miles. Still, such a journey must begin with one step. With that he gathered the reins and mounted his horse.

“Come old friend. Now is your time. Take me back to her.” Thor was swift and sure in his purpose.

Charlotte had been on edge all morning. She had gone sea bathing before breakfast. Then when she had grown uncharacteristically tetchy both with Mr Stringer who had tried to initiate a conversation as she walked through the town and with Alison, she had gone for a solitary walk by the river, in yet another effort to clear her head. It was of no use. Esther had recognised the signs of her emotional distress and the cause, when she called at Trafalgar House for elevenses. If Babington had not already informed her of his imminent arrival, Charlotte’s anxious demeanour and tired eyes and Mary’s agitation, would have told her all she needed to know. Alison was fussing over her sister. Undoubtedly in an effort to distract. It was serving instead to increase her anxiety and irritation. Esther saw the problem and offered to take Alison for a turn about the town. Despite her insistence that she should stay with her sister, Esther persisted. Eventually, with the fear of disappointing a member of the nobility and with the promise that Mary would ensure all was well, at Charlotte’s further urging, she and Lady Babington departed. Charlotte, Mary and the children then headed to the beach. The former for yet more fresh air, exercise and distraction, the latter for a spot of kite flying. While Mary arranged a blanket on the sand and the children ran around excitedly, Charlotte set off on her walk. As she passed the building works at Hargreaves Hotel, she contemplated that she must apologise to Mr Stringer later for her earlier off hand manner. 

When she finally reached a stretch of the beach which offered peace and some blessed distance, she paused, looking out to sea. Freeing her mind of it’s weighty burdens. It was a calm day, in stark contrast to the surging storm of emotions within her. She took several deep, cleansing breaths. The owner of her poor, broken heart would soon be before her once more. She would smile, though she felt no joy. She would be solicitous, polite, courteous. She would enquire after his heath and that of his betrothed, his wedding preparations, his time in London, perhaps a little about the weather. Nothing of consequence. She would be every inch the gentleman’s daughter that she was. She would find a way to pretend that they were nothing more than acquaintances. When that could never be so. For they were once so much more. So much more than they would ever be again. For such a brief moment no two hearts were more perfectly aligned. No two souls more desirest of their mate. She would be aching inside but he would never know. He could never know. Composing herself, she made her way back to Mary and the children. Alicia, Jenny and Henry were flying their brightly coloured kite, each of the little ones frantically seeking control. Mary was bouncing little James on her lap, watching over them all, adoringly from the picnic rug. They made such a beautiful sight. A vision of happiness and joy which she yearned for. For a moment, she allowed herself to picture it. By now, they might have been husband and wife. He forever hers and she his. She would be their Aunt. They would play with their nieces and nephews, together. They would contemplate their own family life. This perfect scene might one day have been theirs.

She was shaken from her reverie by the call of her name. It was Alicia, “Charlotte! Come and join us! Henry won’t give it back!” Soon she was surrounded by three little sets of hands, each trying to pull her in a different direction, while the colourful kite fluttered in the air above them. Charlotte took control of the strings and ran as hard and as fast as she could, laughing heartily for what felt like the first time in months. The children trailed in her wake, their giggling and cries of “Charlotte!” ringing in her ears. The sound of the sea, the wind rushing and laughter. Perfection. She felt like a child again. Free of cares. She was running backwards, looking up to the sky, when suddenly, she made contact with a solid, immovable obstacle. She was brought to an immediate stop. Winded, she turned to offer her apologies to the unfortunate soul with whom she had collided. As she regained her breath, she was faced with a long black coat, a black leather waistcoat, a white shirt and cravat. As her eyes slowly scanned upwards, she realised that the terrain was all too familiar. A broad chest, she could sketch from the memory of an afternoon at the coves that was burned into her brain. His scent was unmistakable. Albany Cologne mixed with leather and the faintest hint of tobacco smoke. She watched as his chest rose and fell as rapidly as her own. She knew. She would have known him blindfolded...and then she saw his face. Their eyes locked. In that moment no force known to man could have separated their gaze. Every emotion came flooding back. There was no sound, save for that of her beating heart raging thunderously in her ears. He looked as stunned as she was. Neither of them spoke. His eyes seemed even darker and more expressive than before. She would happily drown in them. His lips drew her in with the promise of bliss. He was there before her. A dream made flesh. Ever more her beloved. So handsome to her eyes that it was painful to behold him. Sidney. 

His own emotions were no less in turmoil. There had been no one at Trafalgar House when he arrived. He thought a walk on the beach might distract him for a while. Then he saw her. Her long, lustrous hair fluttering about her face in the breeze. Her raspberry pink pelisse enhancing the blush of her cheeks. Her glorious smile. The sound of her laughter. A colourful kite above her head. The children running behind her. She was life and love and happiness and energy and perfection and everything to him. He could not love her more if he tried and there was no need for effort. How could he have denied himself this? As their bodies had crashed together, time stood still. He couldn’t think. He could barely breathe. He had left this world for another. One in which it was just the two of them. Where nothing else mattered but this moment. She was before him. His heart, his soul, his love. Charlotte. 

His hands flexed with the sheer urge to embrace her. To hold her tightly and never part from her again. The very air between them was alive with the tension of the moment. How her presence ignited the spark within him. How rapidly it grew from a spark to a flame and from a flame to a raging inferno. The heat from which, entirely overwhelmed him. Her name came unconsciously from his lips like a whisper. A caress. It washed over her like a wave upon the shore. Momentarily she closed her eyes. When she opened them he was still there. For so long he had been a memory, a feeling, an illusion which vanished with the dawn. Now he was here. Darkness and light. Pleasure and pain. Joy and sorrow. Her prior plans of fortitude and forbearance, had entirely escaped her. How could such strength of feeling, such powerful emotions, leave her so weak? She was utterly lost to him again. Finally, she found her voice. Halting though it was. On trembling legs, she gathered herself, offered a shallow curtsy and softly replied, “Good day Mr. Parker...Sir.”


	12. The Wounds We Conceal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It is absolutely terrifying the kind of deep suffering the happiest looking people are able to hide within themselves”. - Nikita Gill

It was only seconds, he supposed, but it felt like a lifetime. They stood staring at each other. Their eyes desperately cataloguing every feature. Seeking the new and the achingly familiar. She thought him as dazzlingly handsome as she remembered. Somehow even more perfect than in her dreams. How was that possible? Though she noted a tiredness to his eyes. Shadows. She pondered what he might be hiding in them. He tried hard to focus on his breathing. The sight of her had quite stolen the breath from his lungs. Had she always been this beautiful? Her cheeks pink from the cool air and the bracing exercise. He dared to hope, perhaps from the quickening of her heartbeat too. The memories of the past lingered between them like a ghost. Her hair caught in the breeze. It caressed her face, as he longed to. Her lips were still a siren’s call. There would never be another who inspired such passion in him. One who held him, body and soul. Fate had descended upon them like a thief in the night. It had burned their dreams to the ground along with those buildings. It had robbed them of the happiness that would have been theirs. He knew in that moment, with absolute certainty that their wounds still bled profusely and the pain was endless. 

Finally, he found his voice. It was hoarse and quite unlike his usual depth of tone. Broken, like his spirit and his heart, “Miss Heywood. My sincere apologies. I hope I have not injured you?” He regretted his choice of words the moment they were uttered. While there was no physical scar, he knew the extent of the wound he had inflicted upon her. He looked down towards the sand at his feet. Charlotte’s reply was barely above a whisper, “I should have been more cautious, Sir.” She said no more. The forced formality between two souls once so briefly entwined, was in itself heartbreaking. Within seconds they were overwhelmed by a chorus of children’s voices crying “Uncle Sidney!” as they danced around him and demanded to be held aloft. The kite, long since forgotten as it fluttered on the breeze. Mary had leapt from the picnic rug and cradled baby James on her hip as she anxiously approached, her eyes flitting between them, desperate and panicked. 

“Sidney! We did not expect you so soon!”

“Forgive me Mary. I had a last minute change of plan. I felt it appropriate to accompany Georgiana and Lady Susan on their journey. When I left them, they were safely at the turn towards Summerleyton.”

“No forgiveness necessary of course, my dear brother. You are always welcome. The children are delighted, as you can see. We all are!...Henry! let go of your Uncle’s coat...girls, please behave! I trust Georgiana and Lady Susan are in good health and that your journey was satisfactory. I know the roads hereabouts are something shocking. Indeed I fear they are getting worse. All the construction has taken its toll, I believe. I have often remarked to Tom that he must address them. He shall never attract the Beau Monde if they are to be jostled half to death before they reach the town. As you see, our dear Charlotte is come and her charming sister Alison. She is off on amusement bound at present, with Lady Babington. I dare say they shall buy up half the town...So Lady Susan, has rented Summerleyton for her stay? She could not have made a finer choice. Such a beautiful estate. Truly, the house alone is as fine as any you’ll see in the county and the gardens! They are enchanting. I was so sorry you could not see them on your last visit Charlotte. Sir Richard Brooking was in residence then. We never moved in his circles. Alas he passed away not long after you left. He had no immediate family, so the estate has fallen to a distant cousin. I think he takes little interest...Still, you shall see it on this occasion...no doubt. Anyway...I am sure your sister is having a very merry time in town...What say you Charlotte!?”

Sidney tried for a tight smile. Mary was babbling. She was want to do so in uncomfortable situations and there could surely be few more awkward than that in which they now found themselves. The pregnant pause before Charlotte’s tentative reply seemed like an endless chasm. When she spoke it was to patiently address Mary’s various topics and pronouncements, “I must confess I did not notice much change to the roads on my arrival Mary. I think one must endure uncertain terrain when one travels out of town. Besides, I am quite used to traversing such paths, being from the country...though I know it is not to everyone’s taste. I very much look forward to the opportunity of seeing Summerleyton and as to my sister, I am sure Lady Babington will provide her with an enjoyable afternoon’s distraction. I doubt however that she could afford much in the way of indulgence. Like me, she is a farmers daughter, of little prospects or pocket allowance. Unlike me, she will soon be a wife. She has her wedding expenses to consider.” 

Her words were a knife to his chest. He could not doubt her implications. She made no effort to conceal them, nor her profound sadness. He had never seen her like this. Her eyes would not meet his. Her expression was serious and fixed. Gone was the spark in her eyes, her lively countenance. The wit and vivacity that had captured him so completely. He had killed it. He was sure of it. The very thought destroyed him. He now knew that there was something worse than her anger and it was this. Her overwhelming sadness and her efforts to conceal and endure it. Her joy and enthusiasm in all things, had suddenly been replaced with stoicism and forbearance and he was the wretched cause. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, yet she looked everywhere but at him. Mary was still chirping in the background. He caught something vague about ribbons and lace. The children were still pulling at his coat, grasping at his hands and all the while his heart was racing, his mind was spinning, his soul was crying out for her and here, on this stretch of sand, he was descending slowly into Hell. Suddenly her voice cut through the tumult, sharp and clear. Enough to halt Mary’s desperate efforts at polite conversation, “Forgive me Mary. I had quite forgotten the time. I am reminded that I have a letter which I must post today. I promised my parents regular correspondence and I fear I have been quite neglectful. If I may, I would like to return to Trafalgar House to fetch it.. I fear I shall miss the last post.”

At her obvious effort at escape, Sidney closed his eyes, turned his head and then opened them, to look out towards the sea. She wanted to be gone from him, from his presence, from his sight. This is what had become of them. This was what was left of their love. Mary stumbled in her reply, “Wh, well, yes. Yes of course my dear. If you wish to return. Of course you may. You need not seek my permission. No indeed. You are free to do as you wish. We will return with you if you like...” 

Mary looked around frantically to gather the children but Charlotte was swift in her reply, “No! No, please Mary. Do not trouble yourself. There is no need. The children are having such a lovely time and there is a good hour of sunlight left to enjoy. No you must not let me impede their enjoyment. I am happy to walk back alone. I shall see you later no doubt. Good day Mr Parker.” She was already moving away as he called to her, “Miss Heywood!” She stopped. Her back remained to him but she turned her head slightly, “Lady Susan and Georgiana send their compliments and are most anxious to see you...and of course, to meet your sister. Her Ladyship has asked me to request the pleasure of your company for dinner this evening. Indeed, we are all invited. You and Tom as well Mary. I believe she has also extended an invitation to Lord and Lady Babington”. Charlotte kept her back to him and lowered her head. Dear God. How could she endure this suffering. It was endless. Her affection for Susan and Georgiana was such that she could not refuse and yet she would sell her very soul in that moment, for a suitable excuse to demure. Every possible route to a refusal eluded her. 

“I am very grateful to her Ladyship...we will of course accept her kind invitation. Please offer her my warmest regards,” with that, she walked on. Sidney called to her once more, “So I may inform her that she can expect to see you at 7.30 for 8pm?”

“Yes....Sir.” With that she was gone. Sidney watched her go until she was a mere speck in the distance. She never once raised her head, nor looked back. Just as he watched Charlotte, Mary watched him. His expression one of heartache and longing. He felt her hand, as she placed it on his arm.

“Oh Sidney. I am so very sorry. If only I had known you would arrive so soon. I am so sorry that I wittered away.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for Mary. You are not the guilty party here.”

“Neither are you. When I think of what we’ve taken from you...”

“You have not taken anything I did not give away.”

“How will you bear it?”

Sidney exhaled a long breath, “I have no idea but I must. It is right that I should witness what I wrought upon her innocent heart. That I should suffer her scorn. I deserve nothing less. Lady Susan seems to have hope that somehow...but that was before I saw her. How she must despise me Mary. She cannot bring herself to look upon me. She is lost to me. How can it be possible to miss someone even more, when they are in your presence!?...and I do so miss her Mary. With every fibre of my being.”

“Have courage Sidney. I cannot believe she is lost to you nor you to her. I confess that I have little understanding of Lady Susan’s methods and machinations but I am certain that her purpose is righteous. We must trust her and hope that all will somehow be well.”

“But what if Charlotte is resigned? What if she no longer loves me Mary?”

Mary sighed and her face softened, “Sidney, it is because she loves you that she acts so. She has been on tender hooks for days now. I don’t doubt that you have been too. She is suffering. You both are. She is also as kind, generous and honourable a soul as I have ever met. Where others would curse you, she sees your actions as that of a dutiful brother. Where others may condemn you, she exults you as the finest of men. She is wounded yes. But she is not without love.”

“Please God you are right Mary. My own heart is unchanged. If anything, I believe it even more her own with every passing day. I love her and I always will.” 

The demands of the children could no longer be denied and Sidney smiled as he spoke to them, “Gracious you little rascals! You are without question the loudest children in England! Such noise! I believe the Prince Regent can hear you in Brighton! He will send the militia if you’re not careful! Would you torment your poor Uncle so? Indeed, I fear you would...well then. Let me have my share of this kite of yours.” With that, he swiped it from Henry who’d managed to retrieve it after it finally descended into the dunes. With a laugh, Sidney took off running along the beach while Mary watched him with an indulgent smile. Like Charlotte before him, for a blissful moment, his cares seemed lifted. Oh how she hoped they would soon be at an end. For both of them.


	13. The Potential For Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest”.
> 
> Maya Angelou

The further she walked away from him, the emptier she felt. She was alive when he was near to her. More than she had ever been. Every moment so intense, every emotion powerfully acute. To be apart from him felt unnatural, so profoundly wrong that she could barely remember how she functioned before she knew him. Before he filled her thoughts and dreams, asleep and awake. Before he had taken up residence in her heart. The townsfolk bustled around her as she walked but it was as though no one else existed. All she could see before her was him. His fine stature, his broad shoulders, every perfect feature of his glorious face. So distracted was she that the cry of “Miss Heywood!” failed to register until it was accompanied by a tall presence at her side. She was momentarily startled as she turned to see the smiling face of James Stringer. Her heart sank at the sight of him and yet she felt awash with shame for such a sentiment. He had never been anything but kind to her and yet she now considered her sister’s note of caution. Alison had forced her to see that Mr Stringer’s pleasant, friendly, solicitous manner, was not without purpose but was born of hopes which she could never fulfil and a deeper regard which she could not return. It tainted her recollection of their every interaction. It made her fearful of inflicting unintended cruelty on one who did not deserve it. 

“Forgive me Miss. I did not wish to startle you. I hope you are well? If I might be so bold, you do look a little pale.” 

“I am quite well Mr Stringer. I think perhaps I have over-exerted myself today. The children are very energetic and I am quite exhausted from chasing their kite on the beach!” She momentarily reflected upon how well versed she’d become recently, in the “art” of dispensing casual deceptions and half-truths. She tried for a smile. It was enthusiastically received, as ever.

“I’m sure they enjoyed your company Miss. You are always so good with them. So kind. I can see the affection they hold you in. Indeed, who could not relish your company? I believe you brighten every setting. Truly, I do. Sanditon has been much the poorer for your absence. I must confess, I have missed your presence greatly and of course, your lively conversation.”

Suddenly, Stringer reached for her hand. Charlotte felt panicked as he continued, “Miss Heywood, Charlotte, I cannot begin to tell you how you inspire me. Even when you were gone, I could think of nothing but you. For you, I think and work and plan. You are in every way...”

“Mr Stringer...Please, I....” Before she could complete her sentence and extract her right hand from his impassioned grip, to her considerable relief, Esther’s voice could be heard from a distance. Stringer regained his composure and released Charlotte’s gloved hand at once. Esther approached with stately command and in full sail. The elegant feathers atop her elaborate hat, caught by the breeze. The immaculate silk of her emerald green dress, shimmering in the late afternoon sun. 

“Charlotte! There you are. I have just deposited your sister at Trafalgar House. Wikins informed me you’d gone to the beach with Mrs Parker and les enfants. I thought I might retrieve you. Mr Stringer, isn’t it? How do you do.”

Stringer replied awkwardly, “I am well your Ladyship.”

Esther cast an appraising eye, “Hmm, well I’m pleased to hear it. You appear to be making good progress with Mr Hargreaves monstrous eye sore, I see.”

Stringer could not resist an awkward laugh, “Yes Ma’am. We will soon move to the interior fittings.”

“I’ve no doubt they’ll be every bit as garish as the exterior. A fool and his money...Well, you certainly have enough work to be getting on with. I’m sure Miss Heywood and I would not wish to delay your progress.”

Stringer knew when he was being dismissed. “Yes indeed. Please excuse me. Your Ladyship, Miss Heywood,” with a bow to both women, Stringer departed. Esther watched him go with creeping suspicion, “What on earth was he up to? Did I see him take your hand!? The impertinence. Are you quite alright?” 

“Yes, indeed Esther. Mr Stringer meant no harm. He is a friend. Or at least I thought he was. It would appear that in matters of the heart, I am blind as well as foolish.”

“I do not understand. Surely the foreman of works does not presume!..How dare he! Taking your hand in public! Giving the impression of an intimacy between you. He could compromise your reputation Charlotte. A gentleman would never do such a thing. Then again, he’s hardly that. I should speak to Tom Parker. He should be dismissed forthwith!”

“No! Esther, Please. He does not deserve such censure. James Stringer is a good man. A fine man. He has never been presumptuous. Perhaps a little over enthusiastic but he is no libertine. He is entirely honourable. I have failed to be as guarded as I should have been. I think in my naivety, I did not recognise his regard for me, as anything other than friendship. I know you suspect, and indeed it is so that in the past, my affections were otherwise engaged.”

Esther was somewhat calmed. She took Charlotte’s arm as they proceeded slowly back towards Trafalgar House, “If Mr Stringer had conducted himself with a modicum of decorum and restraint, you would not require to be “guarded”. He is no knave I am sure. I’ll say this for him, he is not without personal ambition. Thwarted though it may be. Stringer should confine himself to the professional. He may find that path more rewarding. As to the other “gentleman”...I did suspect. I do suspect. Both on your part and that of the person concerned. Forgive my impertinence but I presume that young Stringer has not been successful in diverting your affections.”

“No! No indeed. I have only ever felt the warmth of brotherly affection for Mr Stringer. He reminded me of the simple pleasures of home. He was an anchor in a storm. That was all. I valued it. It was important to me. It meant a very great deal to have such friendship at a time of confusion and uncertainty. It still does but I know now that such innocent regard, is not what he seeks. As hopeless as my situation is, I cannot change the course of my affections. I cannot alter the demands of my heart. It has never, nor will it ever, belong to him.”

Suddenly Esther stopped and took Charlotte’s hand. Looking at her earnestly as she spoke softly, “He is here you know. He has arrived in town. I overheard the stable boy at the livery remark upon it.”

“I know he is. We have met. On the beach not long ago.”

Esther looked at her solicitously as they resumed their gentile progress, “I cannot imagine the encounter was easy, for either of you.”

“I do not know for sure what it was for him. I confess, it was agony for me...to be so close, yet so distant. To know that we will never again be as we were. That such feelings were in vein and ever more will be.”

“Charlotte, you cannot doubt his love for you remains, surely.”

“He is betrothed Esther! He will marry Mrs Campion. That is all there is to it. He loved her once. He will love her again. I have no doubt it is already done.”

“You cannot believe that!”

“I must! What good does it do to believe otherwise?! I cannot torture myself! Should I live my life in the futile hope of what I can never achieve?! It is enough that I must live with the weight of my own sorrow. I cannot bear to think him unhappy in his choice. Better he consign me to the past.”

“His “choice”!? Charlotte we both know he had none to make. You know my thoughts on Tom Parker. This fate was always his destiny but to drag his family with him, to destroy the hopes and dreams of his brother and the woman he loves. It is shameful. My Aunt will be recompensed with the profits of this pathetic transaction. Sanditon will be rebuilt. But there have been much greater casualties of this affair. Even now I see the feckless fool parading around town. Exuding false Bon Amie. He should hang his head. His freedom has been bought at a price he can never repay. Mary Parker knows it. I see it in her face. The disgust. The humiliation. The shame. She is a good woman. She deserved better than a weak, misguided, pathetic dilettante.” If she wished to attempt a defence of Tom Parker, Charlotte found that she could offer none. As severe as Esther’s appraisal was, it was hard to contradict its truthfulness.

She listened quietly as her companion continued, “As to your desire for Sidney Parker’s happiness, my dear friend, I must confess such selfless inclination is not an emotion with which I am familiar. I am almost as humbled as I am astonished by it. I do not believe it to be in my nature. I am certain however, that while he remains with the shrew Campion, there will be no happiness for him. That outcome lies with you. Love is such a strange thing is it not? With its joys and cruelties. I cannot fathom it. It can inspire such good and yet perpetrate such pain and suffering. It’s rather a shame it should be so distastefully contrary.” 

Charlotte laughed, “Lady Susan once described it as an affliction, like the Measles.”

“Ha! Indeed. Wise woman. I understand that she too has arrived in our little neighbourhood. Summerleyton? A pretty property. My Aunt frequently set her sights on it like a cat with a mouse. She can’t abide a fortune lying idle. I think she rather aspired to make the late Sir Richard, husband number three. She was quite taken with the notion of being the second Lady Brooking, but to no avail. I look forward to visiting Susan. I suspect my Aunt will enjoy an opportunity to lament her “loss” and reflect on what might have been.” Esther cast Charlotte a cynical, knowing glance which made her laugh. 

“Well, that may be sooner than you think. Mr Sidney Parker extended an invitation on behalf of her Ladyship, to dine with her this evening. He informed me that an invitation has been extended to you and Lord Babington.”

“Did he now? What a diligent messenger he is. Well. Despite my naturally taciturn and unsociable nature, I can assure you, that is one invitation we will most definitely be accepting. It already sounds like a lively evening’s entertainment...”

“Oh Esther, stop.”

“What!?”

“You know you’re teasing me.”

“In your case I tease with affection. Charlotte there are few people whose company I can tolerate with equanimity. You, my dear friend are one.” 

Charlotte smiled, “I am so grateful for your friendship Esther. I confess I find being stoic so very exhausting.”

“Yes indeed. I find screaming and flinging the nearest object, infinity more agreeable.”

Both women laughed. “How will I bear it Esther?”

“With your customary cheerfulness and dignity. I have no doubt. You will be among friends. You will be among those who love you dearly and regard you highly.”

Charlotte reflected with sadness, “I will be more than equal to any woman there.....”

Esther knew nothing of the significance of those words. They had just reached the steps to Trafalgar House as she responded, “Exactly. You are indeed. More than equal. You are the very best of us Charlotte. I am not generally an advocate of eternal optimism but even I see infinite possibilities for you Miss Heywood. Now, go and see your sister and prepare for this evening. I confess I have purchased a few little items for Alison’s trousseau....do not look at me like that! I was bored and she is quite charming. A Heywood trait, it would seem. Let her enjoy her moment and let me enjoy Babington’s money. There is a little item for you as well.”

“Esther!”

“It is by way of a thank you to my Maid of Honour, that is all.”

“You are too generous. Thank you.”

Charlotte embraced her and while at first the overt display of affection took Esther aback, she quickly accepted it, found it oddly comforting and discovered that she was smiling.

“I fear that the institution of marriage is making me sentimental....how deeply unpleasant.” She walked towards the Babington carriage and was assisted to enter by a liveried postillion. Charlotte smiled as the window of the carriage was lowered, “Until this evening Charlotte. Take heart. We women have much to endure but we are blessed with the strength and fortitude to do it. You will have your reward. I am sure of it.” With that, she adjusted the fur travel rug across her lap and tapped the roof of the carriage with her parasol. Slowly, she departed. 

Charlotte watched as the carriage rounded the corner and moved out of sight. She wished she shared her friend’s faith in her abilities. Perhaps though, it was time she did. She would find her inner strength somehow. She would do credit to her family name and she would honour her friends. She knew not what was before her but she would face it down with courage. She would live her life and let fate take her where it may. That evening it would take her to Summerleyton and Sidney Parker.


	14. A Gathering of Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “One friend in a storm, is worth more than a thousand friends in sunshine” - Matshona Dhliwayo

It was a little before 7pm. Sidney found himself staring at his reflection in the large, carved giltwood pier looking glass, resting against the wall in his splendidly appointed bed chamber. When he had arrived at the Crowne Hotel, a note was awaiting him from Lady Susan, suggesting that he might find it convenient to overnight at Summerleyton. Contemplating the prospect of a carriage journey from Sanditon with Arthur and Diana, a litany of imagined ailments, followed by a night on a mattress of questionable quality, he’d readily agreed and had arrived shortly after 6pm. After some tea, a little Seed Cake and encouraging and reassuring words from the Lady of the house, he had adjourned to bathe, change his attire and contemplate the evening ahead. All around him were the trappings of understated elegance, with suitably masculine overtones of mahogany wood and dark green velvet. A large four poster bed dominating the room. A gentleman’s domain without question.

He was overwhelmed by a mixture of trepidation and intense excitement at the prospect of what lay ahead. In times of anxiety, he had often found that preparation and a useful occupation, helped to calm his mind. Neglected, it was apt to take him to dark places. He fought hard against the impulse but more often than not, it was a battle he lost. Thus in these nervous hours, he focused on his appearance. Sidney had never thought himself a vain man. He knew that he could be pleasing to the female eye and in that regard, his looks had served him well. Should he require proof of his “powers”, he only had to spend mere seconds in the company of either or both of the Beaufort Sisters, to reduce them to flushed cheeks and awkward giggling. There was a time when the ability to evoke such coquetry amused him. A time when it bored him. A time when it infuriated him. Then a time when it left him bitter and disconcerted. Now, it seemed like some cruel trick of fate. The one woman whose gaze he sought, could barely meet his eye. The one whose approval and admiration he desired above all others must forever deny him her regard. What good were his efforts to please and be pleasing? The care in shaving, in applying the finest cologne, the choice of the green silk waistcoat, the new cream brocade with the Mother of Pearl buttons or the pale blue? What did it matter if he was invisible to her? Yet she was all he could think of. That she would consider him, in all things, the finest of men, was his greatest wish. He settled on the brocade.

As he finally left his room and progressed slowly along the gallery towards the staircase, he could hear the arrival of the Babington’s below. Lady Susan’s warm greeting echoed through the magnificent marbled hallway. For a moment he watched them unobserved. Babington had taken care to compliment his wife’s rich, deep burgundy velvet gown. The collar of his top coat, a perfect match. As he assisted her to remove her cape, he looked every inch the proud and adoring husband. Once again, like a breaking wave, the pain crashed into his chest. By now, that might have been him, aiding his beloved Charlotte. They would be exchanging knowing smiles and tender looks. She would be on his arm. Her touch gentle and loving, not grasping, possessive and demanding. Like Babington, he would place his hand atop hers and gently stroke her fingers. He would reassure her with that simple gesture that no other could compare to her perfection. She was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He realised that he was smiling at the thought. If only he could live in his dreams. It was as he was contemplating this thought, that he realised he was no longer alone. At his side and also gazing down on the new arrivals, was Georgiana. She was radiant, striking and resplendent in peach silk. She spoke first, “They look content, do they not?” 

“Yes. Yes they do. I am happy for my friend. He has achieved his dearest wish. What more could a man seek in this life?”

“Do you think she will make him happy? I’ve always thought her something of a contrarian.”

Sidney laughed, “I think it possible that her nature is part of the attraction! Babington admires spirit and tenacity. In that we are very similar. He values wit. The sharper the better. He will seldom be in calm waters I suspect but equally, he will never be bored.”

“Is that what you love about Charlotte?”

He contemplated his response, “There is so much that I love about her. Her beauty, her warmth, her kindness. Her generosity of spirit, her humour, her wisdom, her intelligence...”

“...her forgiveness?” She cast him a sideways glance

“That too. Though few are truly deserving of it. She has an understanding heart.”

“We must hope so Sidney...come, be strong, let us join the rest of the party.” Taking his arm the two proceeded down the stairs. 

Lady Susan was still holding court beneath the magnificent chandelier, resplendent in a stunning midnight blue gown accented with an exquisite suite of sapphire jewels. She enquired of Esther, “Your Aunt is unable to join us this evening?” 

“Alas, she is indisposed.” Lady Babington replied, sardonically.

“Oh, I am sorry to hear it. I trust there is no cause for alarm!?” 

Babington wearily remarked, “Her Ladyship is once again insistent upon the benefits of drinking half a tumbler of seawater each day. We had rather hoped that her recent skirmish with the grave might have caused her to reconsider its dubious merits but it seems she cannot be persuaded. Neither does she associate her bouts of intestinal disturbance, with ingesting half the Channel before breakfast!” 

Lady Susan smiled, “Well, a great Lady must have her eccentricities I believe. If she is willing, I shall call upon her tomorrow and if she is inclined to be amiable, we may take tea.”

Esther nodded, “I believe she would be agreeable. Indeed I think she would welcome the attention. More often than not, I find that a willing ear and some indulgence is all that is required to set her aright.”

“Then indulgence she shall have. I will endeavour to listen with patience and tolerance and will arrive bearing gifts. I have acquired some rather delicious marzipan courtesy of Lady Bainbridge’s favoured confectioner. I shall take a box with me. I am assured that no mortal can resist Molland’s Marzipan”. 

“While I would seldom question Lady Denham’s capacity to transcend the powers of mere mortals! With such a treat and an ear for instruction in all matters, you will receive a warm welcome I have no doubt,” laughed Babington, before quickly sobering. “If I may your Ladyship, if we are not interrupting proceedings, perhaps we might have a moment of your time before dinner. We have some sensitive matters which we wish to discuss?” Babington looked at her meaningfully.

“As I have told you my dear man, it is Susan and if the matters pertain to what I suspect, then of course. I am most anxious for news.”

Lady Susan cast her eye towards the staircase, “Ah, perfect timing. Here come my houseguests. The dashing Sidney and the delightful Georgiana! How wonderful you both look! We are joined by George and Esther, as you see. I believe they are the finest young couple to grace society, in quite some time. Do you not agree?”

Sidney smiled at Babington who greeted them both with warm salutations and whom, if he was not very much mistaken, was actually blushing. Sidney delighted in his friends joy, “Good evening old friend! Lady Babington. You do indeed make for an excellent endorsement of the state of matrimony.”

Esther looked at Sidney and with her customary caustic tone replied, “With the right choice of partner Mr Parker, all things are possible. Speaking of which, I should have enquired, has my dear friend Charlotte arrived Susan?”

Susan smiled, “Not as yet. We expect the Parkers and the Miss Heywood’s momentarily. I have also invited Dr Fuchs. He seems to be an interesting sort of gentleman and we find ourselves somewhat uneven at table. Before they descend, we have an ideal opportunity to adjourn to the drawing room to discuss matters of import.”

Sidney was instantly anxious, “You have news to impart Babbers!?”

“Not here. Susan, perhaps....”

“Yes of course. Please follow me.”

Sidney paused momentarily, “Perhaps Georgiana and Lady Babington might prefer the opportunity to catch up on news from the ton?”

Georgiana and Esther shot him ferocious looks before Susan replied, “Sidney, the women before you are not such trivial creatures. We are all party to this matter. You will require our collective energies if you are to resolve it. We have seen the consequences of leaving this to the minds of men!”

Sufficiently chastised, Sidney replied, “Of course. Please forgive me...I should never wish to disparage you. Your friendship and your wisdom is indeed greatly valued.”

Susan responded, “I should think so! Perhaps consider your words a little more judiciously Sidney. You should be cautious with the frequency of your requests for forgiveness. I fear that one day, you will have quite exhausted your supply of goodwill.” With that reprimand ringing in his ears and a sideways look of caution from Babington, the guests made their way to the drawing room. Taking some refreshment, Babington opened the conversation. 

“I have received some excellent news from London. I am delighted to say that we have made considerable progress in securing the necessary funds. A consortium of friends visited Sanditon recently and have decided to purchase some of the terrace properties. Hargreaves Hotel has highlighted the possibilities of the area it would seem. Your own interest Susan, has added greatly to its allure among the Beau Monde. Between the four gentlemen, I have secured a twenty thousand pound investment. I will put in for fifteen. Sanditon is now a familial interest and imperative. I have the very best of reasons to wish it’s success. Crowe wishes to support you too Sidney and has vouched for five thousand. That takes us to half of the required funds. Your brother Arthur has also pledged five thousand from his inheritance.”

Sidney, who had yet to look up from the floor added, “I shall borrow against my property and business interests and with Tom’s approval, we shall take a lean against Bedford Place and Trafalgar House. That should add another fifteen thousand. We are still twenty thousand short.”

Babington sighed, while Esther took a seat and Georgiana paced. Babington spoke first, “I can return to London immediately after the celebrations. Twenty thousand is a great deal but it is not eighty and it is not impossible.”

Susan finally spoke, “Not twenty. Ten. I will invest.”

Sidney looked up, “Susan, I am very grateful but that is too generous...”

“Oh, tosh. My investment is not in my own name, neither is it in yours Sidney. It will be in Charlotte’s name. If all goes as we hope, then the two of you will have a substantial share in the terrace development and in the future of Sanditon. I can think of no better way to invest my money than in furthering the prospects of the most deserving young woman of my acquaintance. It is also my firm belief that in her capable hands and yours, Sanditon has a very bright future ahead.”

Esther quietly and dispassionately observed, “We still required ten thousand.”

“Then I shall provide it!” Georgiana proudly interjected.

“You shall do not such thing! We have had this discussion already Georgiana. I will not take your inheritance and that is my final word on the matter.” Sidney adamantly replied.

Stamping her foot furiously Georgiana cried out, “You are quite simply INFURIATING! You are a stubborn fool Sidney Parker!”

“Please. Georgiana! My dear girl, calm yourself. Listen to your guardian. He is quite right to refuse your generosity. We ladies must be cautious in these matters. Your wealth is your freedom. Freedom to determine your own path in life. It must also be said that for a guardian to take your money, when you are not yet of age, would be most inappropriate. His duty is to protect your interests, not to abuse his position for his personal gain. Even if it were merely to give the appearance of such impropriety, it could ruin him. When you are one and twenty, you can act as you will but we all hope that you will do so judiciously and not in haste. I know that you want to be helpful but my dear, the gift of your friendship to Charlotte and your patience with Sidney, is all that is required of you, we will find a way. I promise you.”

Sidney emitted a deep sigh and walked towards the window. Susan and her guests watched him in silence. Each of them contemplating his pain. Susan, with kindness and sympathy, Babington with friendship and a desire to be helpful, Esther with an understanding of loss, tinged with latent anger at his decision and the hurt he had caused to Charlotte, and Georgiana, filled with a fierce sense of the injustice of her own circumstances and that of the friend she loved as a sister. There was also the emergence of empathy for her guardian. He now knew what it was to be trapped by his circumstances. A feeling with which she was all too familiar.

At that moment a knock on the door was followed by the entrance of Lady Susan’s Butler, Gynch. “Excuse me Your Ladyship, Mr Thomas Parker, Mrs Mary Parker, Mr Arthur Parker, Miss Diana Parker and the Miss Heywood’s have arrived. I believe Dr Fuch’s carriage is approaching.”

Susan smiled, “Thank you Gynch. I shall be along presently. Come everyone, let us greet the remainder of our party.” As they began to move towards the hallway, Susan stopped Sidney, who looked downcast. She placed her hand on his arm, “You MUST be strong Sidney. We are nearly there. Your beloved Charlotte will be before you once more.”

“I no longer know how to act in her presence. How can I pretend to be a mere acquaintance with the woman who holds my heart!?”

“Know that you too hold hers. You do not suffer alone Sidney and here, you are among friends. We are doing all we can to ensure that your suffering is not in vain and will be of short duration.”

Sidney smiled, “...and I am more grateful than you will ever know Susan.”

“You will both repay me with your happiness Sidney, I know it. Now. Remember, she too will be nervous. Be the man I know you can be. The very best of lovers are also the dearest of friends. Take joy in each other’s company. Let it give you strength for the journey ahead. Let this evening replenish your spirits.”

They could hear the noise of welcoming chatter in the hallway. The salutations of the gentlemen, the appreciative gasps of Mary and Diana as they took in their surroundings and the delighted squeals of Georgiana as she was reunited with her friend and introduced to Alison. With a final exchange of smiles, Susan took Sidney’s arm. Together, they made their way towards the waiting throng. Thus began an evening, which none of them would ever forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming Up Next...
> 
> Sparks fly, a journey is recalled and a shocking turn of events changes everything.....


	15. A Night To Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveller is unaware.” - Martin Buber.

Charlotte mused as she gazed through the window at the passing scenery, that Tom had not stopped talking, from the moment they had entered the carriage. Trafalgar House was now far behind them, yet he had scarce drawn breath since and they were now approaching the imposing gates leading to the Summerleyton Estate. Seated directly opposite, Mary offered her a familiar smile. It was one which, on reflection, was partially a grimace. That single expression conveyed so many complex and competing emotions. It was laced with sympathy, sadness, apology and a level of patience and forbearance which was almost unfathomable. Charlotte felt as though she wanted to escape from her own flesh. Her mother had always taught her to sit still. She could hear her reprimand, “Charlotte. A lady does not squirm in her seat.” It was taking every ounce of energy she possessed to contain the impulse. Instead, she found herself unconsciously twisting and untwisting the fabric of her pale lilac gown. Her hands were almost balled into fists in her lap. Somehow, she had failed to realise that they were also trembling. Alison had noticed and with sisterly tenderness and affection, had placed her gloved hand gently upon Charlotte’s. In truth, it was an effort at disguise, as much as comfort. Never had she wished a night to begin and yet to be over, simultaneously.

Tom had moved on from his unending exposition on the unquestionable benefit to Sanditon of Lady Susan’s patronage. He then took a brief verbal excursion, during which he managed to reduce the celebration of Alison’s imminent wedding to an opportunity to market the new townhouses on the promenade. Finally, with his customary lack of sensitivity and judgement, he had turned his attention to his future sister in law and was now lamenting Eliza Campion’s absence from this evening’s gathering. 

“It is most regrettable that Sidney’s lovely Eliza could not join us this evening. Is it not Mary? Such fashion, such style and effortless elegance, it is seldom to be seen in a seaside resort such as ours. Truly, I believe that she would grace the very finest tables in the land!”

Alison whispered in her sister’s ear, “He makes her sound like a haunch of pork!”

Charlotte tried desperately to suppress a giggle. Mary decided that this was one observation too far, “Please, Tom. Enough.”

“Mary, I am merely lamenting the absence of our future sister. What a fine connection she will be for us all! Indeed Sidney could do no better in his choice of bride. Beauty AND wealth. The richest widow in the country! Her connections alone are beyond price. To be reunited after ten long years. My dear brother has salvaged our fortunes and secured his fondest wish. Who would have thought things could end in this happy way?”

Charlotte could barely breathe for the pain of his words. Each one striking her like a blow to her chest. Alison squeezed her sister’s hand, partly in an effort to avoid the “unladylike” impulse to put her fist very firmly in Tom Parker’s smug face. Mary watched Charlotte’s silent agony and Alison’s increasing discomfort, rapidly turning to anger. She could bear it no more. In that moment she snapped and cried out, “Stop! For my sake as much as your own. This is not to be borne! You speak of your brother’s choice! Of his happiness!? Happy for whom Tom?!”

Her husband was stunned, “Why for Sidney, of course! For both of them Mary!”

“You are a blind, obsessive, ignorant fool Tom Parker! You have brought me to shame! You have no concern for Sidney! You take no interest in his circumstances! If you did, you would weep for what you have done! You would weep as I have. Like everything else, this is about you! You and this miserable, wretched town. A monument to your vanity, which is nothing more than a millstone around all our necks!”

Tom was aghast and exclaimed, “Mary!”

Her response was swift, “Say nothing more! Not another word. If you do, I shall insist that this carriage turn around immediately and return to Trafalgar House.” After a moment’s consideration, Tom determined that acquiescence and retreat were by far, his best options. He nodded slowly, finally stunned into silence, his eyes wide, his expression one of utter incomprehension.

Charlotte and Alison looked on in embarrassment and shock both wishing to be anywhere but in the midst of this turmoil. It was the worst possible start to what promised to be an almost unendurable evening of tension. Mary whispered, “Forgive me.” It was now Charlotte’s turn to offer what comfort she could. Reaching across the carriage, she placed her hand on Mary’s and gave her a solicitous and reassuring smile, “There is nothing to forgive. We will soon reach our destination. I am sure that Lady Susan will be delighted to see us all. She is so kind and solicitous. I am very much looking forward to glimpsing the grounds Mary. We have not yet lost the light this fine evening. You must tell me if they are as magnificent as you remember.” Not for the first time, Mary considered the inherent kindness, generosity and warmth of the young woman before her. This beautiful, intelligent, sweet natured soul, that Sidney so adored. She already loved her as a sister. Her heart ached for them both once more and for the cruel injustice which had robbed them of the joy that should have been theirs. That the architect of their tragedy was seated beside her and triumphing, yet again, in the miserable circumstances he and his negligence had produced, was beyond even her capacity to endure. 

In that moment, the carriage passed through the wrought iron gates and began its journey along the drive towards the house. Torches had been lit at intervals along the way. As they passed beneath an archway of Beech trees, the effect was magical. The arrival of Spring had made all around them verdant. Daffodils and Crocuses were blooming, producing a path of gold, laid out before them. She could see a large fountain in the centre of a lake, surrounded by a perfectly manicured lawn. Mary pointed out the Boxwood maze in the distance. Beyond that a small, walled garden could be glimpsed. Perhaps there were roses blooming there, Charlotte thought. What a perfect place to read on a sunny afternoon. The notion delighted her. As she gazed out of the window, Charlotte was transported by her surroundings, to a place of peace and serenity. How she yearned to explore. To walk silently and alone through this paradise. Alison was equally enchanted, “Oh Charlotte! Have you ever seen anything so pretty?” Just at that moment, the house itself came in to view for the first time. It drew gasps from both sisters. Summerleyton was a perfectly proportioned Palladian mansion. It’s stone work gleaming in the late evening sun. The effect was that of highly polished marble. Despite its grandeur, it was neither ostentatious nor forbidding. To Charlotte, it seemed strangely, comforting, familiar and welcoming. She looked up at the balcony and imagined the view that could be seen from there. The magnificent estate and gardens, leading the eye to the clifftops and the sea beyond. She had never seen a place so happily situated. 

The carriage drew to a halt at the bottom of the steps. More torches led up to the front door, which was wide open and inviting. Warm light emitted from the hallway. Charlotte could already glimpse the magnificent chandelier and the commanding staircase beyond. She took a deep breath to steady herself. Unbidden his words suddenly entered her thoughts, “You are more than equal to any woman here”. She found herself smiling and suddenly calmed. Once more, Alison took her hand but noted that the trembling had somehow ceased. She looked questioningly at her sister, “All is well Charlotte?” Her reply was firm, “All will be well...I promise.” With that, a liveried footman opened the carriage door and offered his hand. As Mary stepped out, Charlotte followed, then Alison and finally Tom. He moved immediately to Mary’s side and offered her his arm, “My dear, please forgive me. I had no wish to offend you.” “Not now Tom. We will discuss it later.” “...but Mary...” “Not now Tom!” Her final reply was definitive. She lowered her head, took his arm and together, the pair ascended the steps. Charlotte and Alison watched them, Mary’s elegant, cream coloured gown shimmering against the flames from the torches as they passed by. Tom was anxiously glancing at her, endeavouring to catch her eye, without success. 

Alison remarked, “They are truly a most incongruous pair. She is such a delightful person and he is quite the most infuriating man....”

“I think he is inclined to be careless, thoughtless of others. I do not believe him intentionally cruel. He does not mean to be hurtful and yet I must concede that his words and actions cause terrible injury. He is an enthusiast. That can be wonderful and exciting but all too often it comes at the expense of rationality. We must allow that he does not always comprehend the consequences of his words. Certainly not as he should....but for all his faults, they do love each other Alison.”

“I know that you respect the Parker’s Charlotte and I should never wish to question your generous nature. I must confess though, that I cannot help but observe a remarkable selfishness among them. Their instinct is survival. At all costs it seems. The rest of us are mere pawns. Expendable. I think Tom Parker lacks judgement and good sense. His eternal optimism, his desire to move ever onward, is a convenient method to avoid considering the pain and destruction he leaves in his wake. While Mary may love him, I believe she is also exhausted by him.”

Charlotte considered her words. They were difficult to contradict. Not for the first time she reflected that her younger sister possessed a skill of observation and a wisdom beyond her years. At that moment Arthur and Diana’s carriage drew up behind them. Within moments Diana’s voice pierced the silence, “Such a journey! I believe we must have struck every boulder in the county! I was convinced we would lose a wheel and come to grief! Indeed I would not be at all surprised if I am bruised like a peach by morning! Thank goodness Dr Fuchs will join us! I cannot believe that being shaken so violently, can possibly be good for ones constitution! Indeed, I feel quite peculiar.”

Grateful for the distraction, Charlotte smiled and called out to them, “Good evening Diana! Good evening Arthur!” 

Arthur’s face lit up with his customary ebullience, “Ah! The Miss Heywoods! How delightful! We shall be such a merry bunch! I do hope Lady Worcester is fond of a good feast. I must say, I find myself quite famished. I had only a modest repast of cold meats and a pheasant pie at lunch...some cake and later, a little hot buttered toast and port wine to ease my hunger...no more than eight slices...ten at the very most!” Diana had attached herself to her brother’s arm and with a pained expression advised the sisters to make haste, lest they contract a cold, “There is a definite chill in the air.” Rolling their eyes, Charlotte and Alison followed the chattering siblings inside. 

As Charlotte entered the hallway, Mary and Diana were already admiring their surroundings. She barely had a moment to gather herself when Georgiana’s high pitched squeal of joy heralded her arrival. The moments that followed were a dizzying whirlwind of greetings, introductions embraces, kisses to the cheek and to the hand. Charlotte felt herself being drawn from left to right as Esther, Lord Babington and Georgiana each sought her attention and offered their salutations. She heard compliments on her appearance and received a barrage of invitations to dine, to visit the Babington Estate, to come to London in the autumn, to take tea with Lady Denham and to visit Esther’s new modiste. It was as though a whole evening’s conversation was being condensed into minutes. Charlotte thanked Esther for her generous gift of a beautiful Amethyst and Citrine floral pendant necklace. She wore it with delight and pride. It perfectly accented the honeyed tones of her skin and the fabric of her gown. Georgiana had instantly commandeered Alison’s attention and the two were now engaged in a lively conversation with Arthur. Mary drew Charlotte’s attention to a beautiful marble bust of a veiled lady, atop a mahogany plinth. With so much activity, it was impossible to focus, even for a moment. Her head was spinning. She felt as though she was drowning in this sea of excited, smiling faces. All the while, her mind was racing and her inner voice was screaming, “Where is he?! Where is he?!”

Suddenly her question was answered. She felt his presence before she saw him. The very air was charged like the moments before a storm. She could feel a sensation running along her spine. It was as though a soft breeze lifted the hairs on the back of her neck. Then, from behind, the deep timbre of his voice enveloped her like a warm embrace. “Good evening Miss Heywood.” For a moment she froze. All other sounds disappeared. She closed her eyes for a second, then turned around...and there he was. He was magnificent as always. Flawless, physical perfection. His dark eyes looked intensely into hers, before slowly sweeping downwards, along every inch of her body, caressing her, igniting feelings she could barely understand, yet could neither deny nor resist. She found herself staring at his chest. Unbidden, the images she had glimpsed long ago, at the coves, rushed forward. She knew what was beneath the rich fabrics that he wore. A form of perfection that no tailor could ever achieve, nor any sculptor, could ever replicate. The feelings that only he could elicit in her, came flooding back. The heat, the excitement, the urgency, the nearness of him. It stole her very breath. His eyes returned to hers and slowly, almost knowingly, he began to smile. Her face was flushed as she smiled in return. In that brief moment, they were as two lovers, sharing a secret. Finally, she found her voice, “Good evening Mr Parker. I trust you are well.”

“Tolerably so Miss Heywood. Might I say, you look....very well this evening.” Only Sidney Parker could make the words “very well”, seem hypnotically seductive. Unbeknownst to her, he had wanted to say so much more. To tell her that he had never beheld a more beautiful sight. That his heart was filled with love for her. That she bewitched him body and soul. The lilac shade of her gown accentuated her dark, enchanting eyes. He longed to touch the soft curls which fell against her cheeks. So reminiscent of that first Ball in the Sanditon Assembly Rooms. He wanted to trace the line of her neck. To kiss the lips which haunted his dreams. Her pretty necklace was drawing him to the bountiful swell of her breasts. He yearned to take her in his arms once more. To feel her body pressed against his own. Her soft form, moulding against him. He had never felt such intensity of desire. He knew that he never would again, for any other. He feared that such unbridled passion would terrify her. It almost frightened him with its power and urgency...and yet for all her innocence, he knew that there was a fire within her. He had seen it, felt it. He craved it. Yet he knew that he must draw back, at least for now, lest they both be incinerated in the flames.

Her reply to his measured compliment was barely above a whisper, “Thank you, Sir.” They continued to gaze into each other’s eyes, desperately trying to convey all the heady, conflicting emotions and torment that they could not articulate with words. Suddenly, they were drawn back into the room and the spell they wove between them, was broken by the sound of Lady Susan’s voice. 

She reached for Charlotte’s hands as she greeted her warmly, “Charlotte! My dear girl! Welcome to Summerleyton. How wonderful you look. Is she not a vision Sidney?”

His reply was swift and the warmth of his expression reflected the sincerity of his words, “Indeed she is. I believe I have seen none so fair.”

Charlotte continued to blush, “You are both very kind. If I may say Susan, I have seldom seen such a beautiful house and grounds.”

“It is rather splendid. I shall give you a tour later. I must confess, I am very pleasantly surprised. When I decided to rent the place my expectations were rather less favourable. The late Sir Richard had long been a widower and in my experience a fine estate is often left wanting without a woman’s hand. However it would seem that the poor gentleman was quite bereft by his loss and so insisted upon keeping the place as a monument to his late beloved. How remarkable and very touching, don’t you think?”

A somber Sidney replied, “It is often assumed that a man repairs his heart more swiftly than a woman. But it has been my experience that no man who truly loved, could ever mend so easily.”

Charlotte replied, “Perhaps not easily but I do think them capable of mending more fully, with time. Your love has been restored Mr Parker. We are not all so fortunate.”

Sidney looked at her with a mixture of confusion and disappointment, “I have previously cautioned you on the perils of making assumptions Miss Heywood. One can be grievously mistaken in love. It is possible to believe that you have found it. As a man thirsting for water in a desert might mistake a mirage for an oasis. However once you have found that which you yearn for, nothing can ever equal it, nor can it be denied....or forgot.”

The intensity of the moment was overwhelming. Even Lady Susan felt the atmosphere ignite with portent. Seeking relief from the tension, she diverted the conversation to calmer waters, with a skill that only a seasoned hostess possessed, “Well, we must be generous and allow our gentlemen redress for past mistakes and recognition of their constancy in matters of the heart. Where there is true feeling...and genuine regret, there should be opportunity for atonement...and forgiveness. Speaking of romantic attachment, Charlotte, I have just had the pleasure of being introduced to your lovely sister, the focus of our celebrations. Such a bride she will be! There could be no doubting the familial connection from such fine features. Your gowns are truly divine this evening. Pale pink and lilac. Two beautiful roses in bloom. Alison’s betrothed is indeed, a most fortunate young man. We must introduce you Sidney...” 

Susan turned to Alison, who had been keeping a watchful eye on her sister from the moment the handsome figure approached her. So this was Sidney Parker. He was indeed that perfect combination of light and darkness that her sister had described. He was also quite possibly the handsomest man she had ever seen. Where her own beloved Freddie was fair and with boyish good looks, there was nothing of the “boy” about this man. His presence commanded the room and demanded attention without the need to request it. Alison was all too aware that hers were not the only eyes following her sister and Sidney. She had never seen Charlotte look at anyone as she did at this man. Nor had she witnessed such all consuming attention in return. Even if their history were not known, such beauty as they shared, was as an elixir to the eyes. Individually, they were striking. Together they were dazzling. A more stunning couple it would be impossible to find. Upon hearing her name, Alison had approached. If anything, she observed that he grew more handsome upon closer inspection. He smiled and offered her a polite bow. She looked at Charlotte and without words, acknowledged that in appearance at least, she understood her sister’s regard. Charlotte took on the task of introductions, “Mr Parker, may I present my younger sister Miss Alison Heywood. She will shortly be married to an officer in the regulars. Lieutenant Frederick Carter.”

“Good evening Miss Heywood. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I understand that your intended is a Cavalryman?”

His voice was like rich velvet. It was not difficult to apprehend the allure and danger of this man, “Eh, yes indeed Sir. Freddie was always a fine horseman. It seemed a natural choice.”

“As a second son, I had considered the military myself at one time. Alas, I allowed myself to be distracted...by other matters. It is a noble profession. I hope that now we are at peace, there will be less to concern a loving wife. Although, if you possess your sister’s qualities and strength of personality, then I believe that you will have courage and fortitude in abundance to face any trial.”

Charlotte gazed at him as he spoke. There could be no doubt that her heart still lay with Sidney Parker. His words were kind and delivered with sincerity and yet Alison could not forget the pain he had caused her sister. The “trial” he had forced her to endure. Her reply was intended to remind him of the injury and to inflict a wound in return, “Indeed my sister has always been possessed of courage and a strong, loving heart Mr Parker. It is loyal. Perhaps to a fault. I have often said to Freddie that her future may lie with a military man. I know that there are several of his fellow officers who admire her greatly and they do say that one wedding makes another. Perhaps we shall soon find Charlotte, her equal in faithfulness and valour.”

Alison’s efforts had not been in vain. Sidney was indeed cut deep by her words. He tried for a smile but managed a wince as he lowered his head and looked at the floor. Charlotte’s eyes flashed anger and hurt at her sister but they were greeted only with pride and defiance. The Parker’s were not the only family which protected their own. Lady Susan excused herself as Dr Fuchs arrived, leaving Sidney trapped between the woman he loved and her sister, whom he was now certain, detested him. Babbers was trying to extract himself from his wife, in an effort to assist his friend but Esther was holding his attention, with or without his consent. Sidney suspected that a plan may be afoot. After a moment, Alison continued, “I understand you are a man of affairs Mr Parker.”

“I have a number of business interests, here and abroad.”

“Is Sanditon one of them?”

Charlotte intervened, “There is no need to interrogate Mr Parker, Alison. Please forgive my sister’s enquires Sir.”

“There is no need to seek forgiveness. I have no objection to discussing such matters among friends. I do indeed have some investment in Sanditon, Miss Heywood. One which I hope will, one day, yield a return.”

“...and does your betrothed, a Mrs Campion, yes?...does she share your interest in the town? I am led to believe by your brother, who is most fulsome in his lengthy, nay exhaustive praise, that she is a lady of very considerable financial worth.” 

Charlotte was shocked by her sister’s continued boldness, “Alison!”

Sidney smirked. The qualifier was interesting he thought. Eliza’s “worth” in other respects, was certainly questionable to say the least. The barbed reference to his brother’s verbosity was also as caustic as it was sharp witted and amusing. These Heywood women were certainly intriguing, opinionated and fearless creatures. He found himself wondering if Freddie Carter knew what he was letting himself in for. 

“Mrs Campion has many interests. Not all of them are mutual.”

“You differ in your tastes then?”

“I find that I enjoy the company of those capable of good conversation and intelligent thought. As I once told your sister, I am by inclination, something of an outlier. Mrs Campion prefers the diversions and fashionable opinions of society.”

“What an interesting couple you must make. Our own dear father always told us to follow our characters, not the vagaries of the crowd. I believe a person will be much more content if they do. As for a partner in life, I certainly hope that my sister will seek only her equal in all things. That she will look for a man whose heart is hers and hers alone. A man who cannot be bought. For one who can, is surely of little value.”

Sidney understood her meaning clearly. He felt shattered. At that moment, Susan invited her guests to partake in some light refreshments in the drawing room. Dinner would be served shortly. Sidney took his opportunity to escape, defeated. He bowed to Charlotte and Alison, “I fear that I have commandeered too much of your time. If you’ll both excuse me.” With that, he walked away and Charlotte’s heart sank. She turned to her sister with fury in her eyes, “How could you?! What must he think?! That I have disparaged him and his betrothed to you! That I have betrayed his nearest concerns! You have humiliated him and ME!”

“Nonsense! I have ensured that he is in no doubt that you are not without your defenders.”

“I can defend myself thank you very much!”

“Oh, I could see that! I’m sure he felt suitably humbled by your blushes, apologies and whispered gratitude.”

“And what would you have me do?! Scream? Shout? Humiliate myself? Does it ever occur to you that I am exhausted! I carry so much pain in my chest every day that I am weary of it. I cannot change my circumstances, nor his. Yes, he has hurt me. He has also hurt himself. He will suffer for it. He suffers now. Where is my gain in adding to his burdens? Does it ease my own!? I love him Alison. It is not beneficial to my wellbeing nor is it remotely convenient but I do! That will not change. You cannot make me think ill of him. All you have done is deny me the joy I feel in his presence. My last chance to have his eyes look into mine, before he is denied to me forever. What little chance I have left, to build a memory that I can hold close to my heart in the years to come.”

There were tears in her sisters eyes and Alison felt humbled by it. They were now the last two guests in the hallway, the others, including Sidney it seemed, having followed Susan. “I am sorry Charlotte. I am fierce in my protection but I should have been more cautious in my manner. I hate that he hurt you so.”

“I hate the circumstances that left him with an impossible choice.”

Alison smiled, “In you, he has his staunchest defender. His bravest warrior. I will concede, that he is indeed as splendid a specimen as I have ever beheld.” 

Charlotte laughed, “He is a good man too Alison. Truly.”

“You say he is...and that must be good enough for me. I shall endeavour to be more receptive to his undoubted charms...”

“Alison!”

“I am teasing. For what it’s worth, I do believe he loves you Charlotte. No one who observed you together could doubt it. That means he has some good judgement in my eyes.”

“A fine concession...”

“It will have to be enough for now. Come. Let us join the others.”

“You go. I will join you in a minute.”

“Where are you going?”

“I just need a moment to myself. I will join you directly.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Alison smiled coyly, “Am I forgiven?”

“YES! Now, GO!”

Charlotte smiled as her sister left, looking back until finally, she turned into the drawing room and out of view. She was finally alone. Sighing, she took a moment to absorb her grand surroundings. It truly was the most exquisite house. She took in the high ceiling, the black and white, marble floor, the portraits on the walls, the highly polished furniture. Her curiosity led her down a hallway by the side of the staircase. Portraits hung on both sides of the walls as she followed along towards a set of large double doors embossed with a family crest in gilt. Tentatively she opened them. They creaked slightly as they slowly revealed what lay beyond. Once she stepped inside, her eyes grew wide in awe. Stretched out before her, was the most magnificent library she had ever seen. Candles were lit, to illuminate the treasures, as though just for her. Books as far as the eye could see. Tall wooden bookcases, that glorious smell of aged leather. She moved towards the volumes, tracing her fingers along the spines. Poetry, philosophy, treatise and prose, first editions, languages she recognised and others that bewildered and fascinated her. Stairs led to an upper level and yet more discoveries to amuse and delight. She was in heaven. As she returned downstairs, she noticed a large atlas open on a table. She could not resist exploring its contents. As she leaned forward with curiosity, she suddenly jumped as a figure emerged from the shadows, “I thought I might find you here...or rather, I hoped I might.”

She pressed her hand to her chest in shock, “Mr Parker. I thought you had gone through to the Drawing Room, with the others.”

“Forgive me. I startled you. I wanted a few moments to myself, so I stepped outside. I confess I somewhat lost my bearings on my return but when I found this place, I thought of you.”

“I will leave you in peace...”

“No! No, please stay. If my presence makes you uncomfortable, it is I who should leave.”

Charlotte could not resist a smile, “Truly Sir, I believe we are the only two people in the world who could argue over who should remain in a room!”

Sidney laughed. She delighted in the sound. “Indeed we are.. it is quite ridiculous. Let us agree to remain for our own reasons shall we?”

“That sounds sensible.”

“May I ask, what has your attention?”

“One of Sir Richard’s Atlases”.

“I see. Plotting your escape perhaps?”

“Well, as you rightly observed, nothing ever happens in Willingden and as I will soon leave Sanditon, I must seek my adventures abroad! I shall set a course for distant shores! Perhaps you could show me your journey...to Antigua”.

He smiled and moved closer, “Well. Let me see...Admiral Heywood”, they exchanged a tender meaningful look. He began turning the parchment until he found it, “Ah ha! Here it is, this where I began my travels. Portsmouth. I was fortunate to secure passage on a fine, sturdy vessel. The Laconia. One of the few times that Tom made a decent choice. She had a good, sober Captain and a decent enough crew. I have no tales to tell of pirates, mutiny or shipwreck and they got me there in one piece. What more could a fellow ask for? In truth though, it took me until the port of Cadiz to find my sea legs.”

“Sea legs?”

“Yes. It’s a term which refers to the motion of the ship. It makes you unsteady on your feet, quite literally. I was staggering around like Crowe at a rout and eh..shall we say, my digestion was...somewhat unsettled...like Crowe the morning after a rout.”

Charlotte stifled a giggle, “Oh good grief! That sounds deeply unpleasant.”

“It was in truth. I wish I could say that I was stoic but I spent most of those days praying for deliverance, with my head over the side.” They both laughed warmly. Soon he was carefully detailing his travels and drawing her attention to notable ports and features along the way. Each of them accompanied by a tale that amused, delighted and occasionally shocked her.

Unknown to them both, as they stood closely together in the candle light, so clearly enjoying each other’s company, Lord Babington was observing them, having gone in search of his friend. Esther had been similarly inclined to find Charlotte and had instead, located her husband. “What are you looking at?”

“Shhhh! Keep your voice down. Look. It’s Sidney and Charlotte.”

“Well I never. Fancy them finding each other, in such a convenient way.”

“Are you up to something wife?”

Esther feigned innocence, “Me! Never!...I will concede, they do make a pretty pair though.”

“I know you will call me an old romantic fool but I believe they are made for each other Esther. We must find the remainder of the money, if it’s the last thing we do. We simply must...”

Esther looked at her husband with a tender smile and placed a kiss on his cheek. “What was that for pray?”

“You are indeed an old romantic fool! But you are my old romantic fool and I do love you Lord Babington.”

Babington’s smile radiated his delight. Esther took his arm, “Let us leave them to enjoy each other, shall we?”

“I married a very wise and beautiful woman.”

Esther smirked in response, “Yes indeed. You did prodigiously well for yourself.” They both laughed as they walked away, before realising their error, covering their mouths and tip toeing quietly back to the drawing room. 

They had nothing to fear, as Sidney and Charlotte were completely engrossed, in the atlas and in each other. As Charlotte tried to find a location on the map with her finger tip, Sidney took her hand and guided her to the spot, “There...” They glanced at each other and slowly, unconsciously, their fingers began to entwine. Suddenly, they both realised the intimacy of the moment. The tension rose between them yet again. Charlotte, realising the danger, gently withdrew her hand. 

“You seem to have had a most extraordinary experience Sir. You were very fortunate I think. To see the world and make your fortune.”

Sidney watched her awkward attempt to mask their present situation. In the face of her evident discomfort, he grew serious, “Must you call me Sir? I do so loathe it when you do.”

“I think perhaps it is best.”

“Best for whom? Not for me. Does it comfort you to pretend we are strangers to one another?”

“It is not about comfort but propriety...”

“Damn propriety!”

“Mr Parker!”

“See. At least we have improved upon “Sir”” He made a comical, exaggerated face to indicate his disgust. She laughed. He closed his eyes and let it wash over him, “I like that sound very much Miss Heywood.”

“What sound?”

“Your laughter. I did not have the pleasure of hearing it often.”

“We did not have enough time.”

“No. No we didn’t...and I wasted too much of what we had. I do not believe there could ever be enough time with you. If I were gifted an eternity, it would never be enough. I am left reckless and greedy. I once told you that I am far from perfect. I have shown you that, in the most painful of ways. I have hurt you when all I ever wanted to do was care for you...love you.”

“Let us not relive the past. It does no good.”

“It is not the past, Charlotte.”

The sound of her name on his lips once again, both tortured and thrilled her.

“It must be.”

Sidney stepped towards her, “It will never be for me! I want to be an honourable man. Believe me, I do. I want to be my best self, my truest self. But without you, I am incapable of it. I am nothing! I am emptiness and pretence. I am a liar to everyone and a traitor to myself. I cannot forge happiness where there is not love. I cannot build a future on torment and misery. You can hate me. Your family can despise me, God knows I deserve nothing less but I cannot give to another what I do not possess. You have my heart Charlotte. I LOVE you! I did then and I do now...and I always will. She may believe she has bought me but she will never own me. For what I am worth, I am yours.”

Tears were falling unbidden down her cheeks. In a whisper she replied, “I do not hate you. I could never hate you. Though I know it might be easier if I did. God forgive me for my weakness but I love you too, Sidney Parker...”

Before she could raise her eyes to meet his, she was in his arms and being kissed with a passion she could never describe. At first she tried desperately not to respond but slowly, such limited resistance as she could muster, was totally overwhelmed by the strength of his passion. She threw her arms around him, running her hands along the broad, muscular plains of his back and shoulders. Threading her fingers through his hair. Holding him to her, luxuriating in this stolen, elicit moment. For now, she was his and he was hers. Her heart pounding in her ears. He moved her closer to the table. She could feel it’s solid edge against her back. The atlas shifted behind her. She felt his hands moving boldly, navigating a journey of their own. Exploring ever higher from her waist, until they rested just below her breasts. He slowed his kisses until his lips simply touched hers. Teasing, circling, tempting. Then suddenly his tongue reached out to trace her bottom lip. Luxuriant and tender. It was fire and heat and danger and bliss. On instinct she opened her mouth wider and he seized his moment. All of her senses were alive, as she lost herself to the feelings he ignited within her. On instinct, her tongue danced intimately with his. She found herself pushing her chest forward until his hands finally reached their destination and he held her breasts through the fabric of her gown and bodice. She gasped as her own hands explored every muscle within her reach. He began kissing and licking his way down her neck, moaning softly as he did so. Her head was thrown back, her eyes closed, she felt herself surrendering entirely to him, to this moment, to them, to their love. 

Suddenly, their bliss was interrupted. She could hear a loud noise. It sounded as though someone was pounding on the front door. The rapidity suggested an urgency. She opened her eyes and Sidney raised his head in alarm. First looking at her and then outwards toward the door and the hallway beyond. They could hear voices. In a panicked tone she whispered, “Sidney!” The sound of his name on her lips delighted him, even as the moment disturbed him. He took her hand. Squeezing it tightly, he kissed her once more, “Stay here...my love.” He gave her a reassuring smile but she was reluctant to release his hand. When she did so, she moved to the doorway as she watched him gather himself while moving with haste. 

By the time Sidney reached the outer hallway, Gynch, Lord Babington, Tom, Dr Fuchs and Lady Susan were gathered around a figure at the door. “I MUST see him! I beg you. It is imperative! A matter of the utmost seriousness!”

Susan replied, “I must say this is highly unusual Sir!”

“I understand Your Ladyship and I beg your forgiveness for such an intrusion but I must speak with Mr Sidney Parker immediately!”

Sidney’s voice resounded, “Then speak with me.”

The circle parted and there, at its centre was Lord Patrick Emerson. Sidney was stunned, “Lord Emerson?! What on Earth?...” before he could complete the sentence, Patrick moved towards him with the look of an anxious man, “Mr Parker. We must speak as a matter of urgency. It cannot be delayed!” 

“But of course....” As Sidney looked to Susan and sought somewhere to take the poor, distressed fellow, Arthur suddenly entered the hall and recognising this most unexpected visitor, cried out, “Patrick!” 

Lord Emerson spun like a startled hare. He looked like a man who had just seen a ghost, “Dear God...Arthur!”


End file.
